popular science confirms what john mayer already knew: we hourglass types are sexy heroin.

Fine. I guess I have to own up to it: my John-Mayer-Hyper-Loathing-Complex is an uncomfortably blazing example of the fine line between love and hate. I love to hate him. I don't miss many opportunities to call him a pig, but on the other hand - I'm the one writing about him at every opportunity. There must be some latent fascination that I'm ashamed to admit. So, we'll just let that thought simmer there for awhile and own up to the fact that there's a certain morbid willingness to discuss King D-bag and move on with the important stuff. Like the fact that I'm going to take something interesting like the sexiness of an hourglass figure and totally strip all the fun out of it by analyzing it numerically and invoking the name Jessica Simpson. Get ready for it:

Science has confirmed what my mother always told me: curves are good.

Let's get my own dimensions out of the way: thanks to good genes, good luck and absolutely no power of my own, I'm a 34-23-34 girl. Apparently that ain't bad. In fact, let's get mathematical about it (according to Elizabeth Cashdan of the University of Utah): 

"...scientists (and apparently Western society) thought a curvy figure trumped other body shapes. The idea was based on results from medical studies that suggested a curvy waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7 or lower (meaning the waist is significantly narrower than the hips) is associated with higher fertility and lower rates of chronic disease.


In addition, past research has revealed that men prefer a ratio of 0.7 or lower when looking for a mate. The preference makes perfect sense, according to evolutionary psychologists, because the low ratio is a reliable signal of a healthy, fertile woman. Along those lines, Playboy centerfolds tend to have a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.68..."

So, my 0.676 ratio puts me squarely in Bunny territory. Sweeeeeet. Maybe THAT'S what I should be doing for some extra cash. The playboy mansion actually looks like a pretty sweet vacation spot. Great pool. And hey, they photoshop those centerfolds. So the fact that I'm thin but not particularly (*cough - REMOTELY - cough*) fit wouldn't even be an issue. They could give me artificially sexy quads. Excellent. I love technology. You'd never hear me screaming about how the "me" on magazine covers isn't the "real me." I'd be more like, "Check out my fake abs! Smokin."

Anyway - now we've got a new study that suggests that merely "watching a curvaceous woman can feel like a reward in the brain of men, much as drinking alcohol or taking drugs might."

Well hmm.

I suspect I should be able to capitalize on this "reward" reaction somehow (and in a way that involves neither stripper pole nor bedazzled g-strings nor dollar bills tucked anywhere other than my pretty little wallet). If nothing else, I could come up with a great personal tagline: Jameson, Mary Jane, HeatherAdair. Or something along those lines. I could put it on a t-shirt. "Doctor says....my hips make you high." Eh, no. That's lame. But you get the idea. This could make for a slick bumper sticker.

The article also mentioned that "shapely hips in women are linked with fertility and overall health. As such, it makes sense evolutionarily speaking that studies across cultures have shown men typically find hourglass figures sexy." What also makes sense in that case: John Mayer's uber-classy commendation of Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm." You know the one: "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me... Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm..." Which, initially, I thought sounded pretty uncomfortable (er, along with everything else that comes out of his mouth, but there I go with my "love to hate" thing again....). Napalm: not generally something you want to mess with. Or allow to trifle with your important bits and pieces. HOWEVER - Jess is voluptious in that very traditionally hourglass-ish way. And apparently her evolutionary advantage was difficult for the Mayer to deny.

Also interesting: '"It turns out women find similar optimally attractive female bodies as attention-grabbing, albeit for different reasons," Platek said. "Women size up other women in an effort to determine their own relative attractiveness and to maintain mate guarding — or, in other words, keep their mate away from optimally designed females."'

THERE'S my new tagline: Warning: Optimally designed female.

And this is hardly new news that women check out other women. Constantly. Incessantly. Now it's just scientifically documented. And yes, it is a comparison of how well we measure up against other girls. So when we get the once-over in line at Forever 21, yes, it is that nearly biological urge that compells us to determine if we're looking better or worse than her. Or, if we could pull of that particular jeans/boots combo as well as she does. Or, apparently, if our "mate" would abandon us for her, um, more optimal female design. Exhausting, really. But more or less inevitable.

So - today I shall take some pride in my waist/hip ratio. Much like my love-hate relationship with John Mayer, it's a love-hate relationship with that ratio. On the "skinny days" I can appreciate the proportion. On the "Jennifer Coolidge" days....less appreciation. More righteous loathing that both top AND pants can feel too snug all at once. But hey, if I were lounging around Heff's cabana, I guess that would be a non-issue. Teeny tiny bikinis are a whole lot more adjustable on those days where I feel "less optimally designed."

So thanks, science, for giving some merit to one of John Mayers more perplexing tirades. And for giving me biological cause to appreciate those 0.676 proportions.

And now...guess what Shakira song is stuck in my head............