Mmmm, carginogens.

While licking the delicious, pink, primarily-trans-fatty-frosting off the top of a delicious, pink, primarily-trans-fatty-cookie yesterday it occured to me: carcinogens are wonderful.

Deadly, fine, sure.

But yummy.

While I worked my way through the frosting on three cookies in a row -- I throw out the cookie after I lose interest...but mark my words, I never lose interest in frosting...it's why I buy an entire 12-pack of cookies with no intention of eating more than one: there's frosting on the other 11 with my name on it...and it's pink...and there are sprinkles -- I started making a mental list of the other clearly cancer-causing agents of death that I love.

• Artificial sweeteners. I even like Sweet n Low.
• Nitrite-rich processed meat products; this means hot dogs, bologna, and other tasty treats involving mechanically-separated turkey solids
• UV-rays, particularly when they come from the real, live sun, but I'll take 'em however I can get 'em, especially during the cold, dark winter months.
• New Car smell
• Whole milk...I think the RECOMBINANT BOVINE GROWTH HORMONE makes it taste better, frankly
• Tartar control toothpaste - apparently it's the combination of FD&C Blue #5, Saccharine and Flouride that will get me in the end.
• Permanent hair color. Actually, every few months when I color the grey, I do my little "QUATERNlUM, DIETHANOLAMINE, PHENYLENE-DIAMINES, PROPYLENE GLYCOL" dance. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, here I come.
• AJAX. Because who doesn't love AJAX? And Comet, for that matter. It gets the dirt out. And lets the Crystalline Silica in, I guess. Good thing I don't clean nearly often enough. If I were as compulsive about my grout-scrubbing as I am about my eyelash-curling, I'd have The Black Lung by now, for sure.
• Weed killer. Ehh....no. No weeds to kill, no opinion on weed killer, no inclination to buy weed killer if I had an opinion on weeds when I've heard boiling water and a little something acidic have the same effect. But then, who am I to talk plant care: I kill cacti. I do. There was a delightful little planter of assorted cactus I bought during a trip to Sedona. Brought it home, took it to work, set it on the window sill....watched it die. And you thought you couldn't kill a cactus. I like to think it was a strange cactus fungus that only existed inside the 4 life-sucking walls of that office. Who knows. Cacti turn brown and get shriveled like raisins when they die.

I'm sure there are others (considering the very act of waking up in the morning and drawing a breath -- much like getting behind the wheel of a new Toyota.... -- seems to mean taking our lives in our hands these days), but these were the immediate favorites. I also occassionally enjoy a whif of second-hand smoke. It reminds me of the days before smoking in public places was banned, and a trip to Disneyland with the family meant a great cacophony of cigarette brands all blending together in a smell I will forever associate with the Happiest Place on Earth. Beat that for weird smell memories. Blend a Kool with an American Spirit with a Marlboro and, oh, essense of Cheeseburger or Churros you get the Scent of Disneyland.