for all I know these quotes were created by the esquire guys....but they're pretty good anyway

Ugh, room temperature coffee.

Happens every morning.

Get to work, hit the coffee pot for some seriously weak, horrible office brew (the sort that comes in pre-packaged packets, hotel-room style), load it up with equally horrible things like sugar-free hot cocoa mix and non-dairy creamer, haul it back to my desk, get distracted by important things like an esquire.com list of "75 things you don't know about women" and before I know it: coffee's tepid, room-temperature and sort of thick & gloppy with congealed fake-hot-cocoa and hydrogenated corn solids. Mmm. This is usually when I think, "I should go drop a couple of ice cubes in this mess" to thin it out a little, but that requires getting up from the desk, and....

....I'm back. From the freezer. Added ice cubes to the gelatinous coffee...they look like little albino turtles floating in a gloppy brown sea. Little techno-beetles swimming in a cast-off Egencia mug. Like a creepy coffee stew that I probably shouldn't be drinking:

But onward.

To the rather awesome collection of female wisdom as presented by 35 random celebrity women. Everything from pilates to threesomes to men's fingernails to our self-conscious alter-egos and theories on ordering dessert. Here are a few favorites and the suppposed women credited with the quotes:

"When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always." Poppy Montgomery

Heather says: this is absolutely, completely true. The old man behind me in the checkout line who said, "My, that's one pretty lady in front of me in line," made my day (for instance). And having the balls to speak up is always attractive. Confidence - without arrogance - is at the very top of our sexy list. Knowing what you want, what you like, how you feel, and articulating it well....exceptionally tough to resist. Also...being told we're hot: always scores brownie points.

"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." Alyssa Milano

Heather says: Show us a woman who doesn't look in the mirror and find thirty seven things she'd like to change and we'll show you...um....Paris Hilton. She seems to be one of about 6 women in the world that absolutely loves herself from the time she bounds outta bed in the morning. Those women are rare. No matter how beautiful we are, we all have those Brian Dennehy days. Most of us: more often than not. My bad day alter ego: Jennifer Coolidge.

"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it." Courtney Cox

Heather says: YES. Yes, yes, yes. Hands are at the top of the list. Large, strong, manly hands (with nicely tended fingernails) are simply fantastically attractive. It's the beauty of opposites, I suppose. If I have small, petite, girl-hands, I love the contrast of masculine ones. If I'm short and curvy, give me tall-ish and broad-shouldered. Same goes for body hair. For as much time as I spend getting rid of mine: I expect men to have lots of it. If I wanted to rub up against smooth, soft, hairless skin, I'd date a girl. Things that should always be kept smooth and soft, however: lips. Please, carry a tube of chapstick with you. And use it.

"How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux." Kerry Washington

Heather says: a tux is fine, but actually, I prefer the 'unbathed at the the campsite" look. Sleepy in sweats with messy hair and a day-old beard beats James Bond any day. Not that a guy that wears a suit well isn't sexy-- nothing's more masculine than a smart suit and the man that knows how to carry it off -- but pajama pants and a baseball cap do just as well.

"Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness, and I find that insulting!" Parker Posey

Heather says: this isn't just a "men" thing - lots of people consfuse pensiveness or introspection or introversion or even well-concealed social anxiety with bitchiness. I am, by nature (particularly when meeting new people) quite introverted. This doesn't mean shy, necessarily (though the two may certainly go hand in hand). It means I'm easily overstimulated and my energy depleted by new social situations. This doesn't mean my failure to strike up a conversation or my general aversion to "getting-to-know-you" small talk should be interpreted as mean-spirited disinterest. Aloof, perhaps. Ice queen: by no means. However: I'm not insulted when I'm mistaken for bitchy....actually, I'm difficult to insult or offend, period. I know myself well enough at this point to understand that I can come off as other than I intend....and it's my job to correct that perception a little. Reach out a bit. Stop expecting the other person to do all of the conversational leg work. But I can relate to being mistaken for a bitch. Has happened most of my life.

"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." Mariska Hargitay

Heather says: those eight inches or so between ear and collarbone are, practically, the only eight inches or so that matter ("..."). Ex-gentleman and I used to go back and forth about this....he never got it. Want to turn me to jello - instantly? Neck. What's that - you find that boring? You asked. Want to give me goosebumps straight down to my toes? Simple -- neck.

"Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' — or that's exactly what we'll become." Emily Deschanel

Heather says: This is cute because it's a matter of semantics that hadn't necessarily occured to me before. She might be right. I'm okay being your "friend Heather" or your "girl Heather" (it's ambiguously affectionate, with certain implications but without irrefutable commitment), or your "lady," or even just "Heather." There's something corny about "lady friend" that seems self-conscious and outdated. Obviously I'm a lady. Obviously I'm your friend. That lends no new information to the introduction. Get a little more creative.

"If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble." Jenna Fischer

Heather says: Disagree. I don't have an ex-girlfriend hangup. Don't feel threatened by them or otherwise territorial in their presence. If you're still friends with her, great - means you probably ended on good terms and we can anticipate remaining friends if we fizzle. If you hate each other, hmmm - someone probably cheated. If you're still pining for her, it won't matter if I've met her or not, we probably won't work out in the long haul until you're good n over-it, so arm around me or no arm around me, I'm just fine with the ex-girlfriend. And if you forget to introduce me....well I'm bad about introductions myself, so don't worry. It's better than being introduced as your "lady friend."

"Pick the weirdest part of our body and compliment it. The left elbow, the forehead, shins. Just be creative." Saira Mohan

Heather says: We're impressed by this because it means you're paying attention. Observing. Noticing the little things. You're attentive, appreciate the details. Doesn't have to be physical, should never be sexual - something like "I like the way you pronounced that word" would be perfect. It's off-beat. Let's us know you appreciate the things about us that make us specifically unique. Goes much further than "you're smokin hot." Which is nice, too. Just follow it up with, "And your earlobes are the perfect shape." For instance.

"Women don't take forever to pee. It's other chicks who make us wait. We have absolutely no idea what we're doing in there, and we look at one another in the bathroom line like, What the hell? Then, to keep ourselves occupied, we play with one another's boobs." Faith Salie

Heather says: Pretty much. And also: it's the fixing of the hair and makeup after the peeing. That takes awhile depending on how much we like you and how separated we want our eyelashes to be.

"We drink till you're cute, too." Judy Greer

Heather says: And that never ends well.

"The smell of sweat is sexy within reason. Nuzzling your neck when you come home from the gym: sexy. Getting trapped in your armpit after you've played eighteen holes in 90-degree heat: not sexy." Kyra Sedgewick

Heather says: A girlfriend and I have talked about this a lot: when you're chemically compatible with someone (uh, in that sort of "would make viable babies together" caveman sense) there's nothing better than the smell of his skin, especially the smell of his skin a day or so after his last shower. When he smells like HIM. Not overpoweringly dirty, not grimy or sticky or stale, but...natural. It's a pheromone thing, I guess. Nature's way of reminding us that we're biologically good together.

The rest of the list was pretty entertaining, too. With maybe the exception of the Wanda Sykes quotes. You know what else is pretty entertaining? Trying to pick the chocolate off the outside of a Snickers because I'm not in the mood to have peanut chunks in my teeth. Requires surprising dexterity. And the nougat stuff keeps trying to crumble off with the chocolate (which is perfectly tasty, but also gets under my fingernails and makes for a messy desk...). Less entertaining: the Wendy's spicy chicken nuggets. I had high hopes for that $.99. Turns out there's a reason they're givin 'em away for a buck: they're just. not. that. tasty.