Ooh - idea for testing new limits of genetic mutation!

Before I speculate on what sort of extra terrestrial nightmare we could create by impregnanting either Paula Abdul or LiLo with some of The Hoff's DNA, I have a certain obligation to again subject us all to this particularly beautiful example of why my sister and I penned an entire song about The Hoff when we were but wee small things:

The Hoff - Hooked on a feeling


Martyn MySpace Video

So, now onto my glorious ideas for the ultimate salvation of the human race:

See, Hoff's gonna have some time on his hands, what with being "not fired" from the "You-mean-people-actually-watch-that"-caliber show "America's Got Talent." Actually, if it were up to me the show would be named "America Has Talent" but that's another tangent for another day...(meaning that if I were a studio exec there would be a whole lot more than the apostrophe I'd overhaul about TV in general, so I'll save that tirade for another day because this is not about the pervasiveness of B-quality television actors on shows that no one watches in the first place, it's about substance abusers sharing fluids to create monsters - much better!)

Back to the original idea: gross genetic mutation.

Assuming The Hoff still has any viable swimmers - which is not something I anticipated ever thinking about let alone committing to electronic posterity - and further assuming that the toxic wombs of Paula or Lindsay are even in any way hospitable to "life," I think we could create an entirely new breed of super-humans with tequila for blood, Oxycontin for teeth and cocaine for...all other tissue. No, wait....that completely ignores how powerful a role hair color, artificial fingernails and leggings could play in the development of the new SuperSpecies. Rather than a traditional digestive tract, SS's gut would consist primarily of lycra. And in place of an epidermis: this lil critter would fall out of the womb completely covered in an impenetrable, self-renewing layer of Mystic Tan (maybe laced with crack?). And like Wolverine, those silk wrap nails (that ultimately came so close to killing Paula, a mishap that this genetically mutated new race won't have to trifle with, since bacteria can't possibly live in a body preserved by Grey Goose and Don Julio and Wild Turkey) will provide their best defense against the vicious, incipient attack of mere mortals' 12-step programs and the kryptonite-love of concerned family members.

I think these genetically engineered freaks have the potential to take over the world. And with Hoff as Father and either of those hot mess options as Mother, they're guaranteed both lifelong fame in Europe and a supreme reign atop most gossip websites for ever and ever, Amen.

In other celebrity news: I don't care what happens to Casey Johnson and Tila Tequila's dogs (apparently Tila's happy to vacate the love nest and find a "new mansion" but she won't let the Hiltons apprehend the puppies) but I do love this particular picture involving the cop:

Over n' out.