I made it 28.66 years without realizing I can actually crank out an absolutely astonishing, blood-curdling, primal scream.
Who knew?
I certainly didn't.
Let's put it this way: when exhaustively lame, mascara-smearing, self-pitying tears just didn't quite cut it for releasing some of the ever-building internal pressure I've been cultivating pretty expertly lately, I decided to give something more....viscerally expressive a try.
Figured being inside the car at freeway speeds on a rainy day provided a pretty great opportunity to try The Scream.
Interestingly: it required a little wind-up. 28.66 scream-free years meant I wasn't even exactly certain how much lung power this little non-cognitive exercise required. The first attempt ended up sounding more exasperated than restorative. Too much from the throat, not enough gut force. That felt silly.
Attempt 2: cast me in a slasher flick, because I have one serious set of lungs on me.
Amazing. A little wind up, a big deep breath, and I managed a sound I've never heard my own body make. Strange, really - to have lived inside this skin for so long and never hear that noise come out of my own mouth. Sure, there have been roller coaster squeals, Tower of Terror shrieks, cliff-jumping cries, but nothing quite like this.
I think it has everything to do with intent.
When we're responding to physical stimulus (upside down on an amusement park ride, for instance) there's a certain amount of breathlessness that comes with being surprised, thrown, alarmed, thrilled, twisted, spun, dropped, shocked, you name it. When you're responding to, oh, the Cry of Your Soul - it's an entirely different ballgame. To hear that sound bounce off of the Toyota windshield and realize I'd just created that sound all on my own: liberating. To have used up all of the air in my lungs in one long, loud exhale of everything that had been nibbling away at my sense of peace: very neat. To know there was no one around to be bothered, worried or otherwise even AWARE of my accomplishment: worth repeating.
HOWEVER: speaking of repeating...as delightful as the screaming felt (and as impressively, therapeutically loud and silver-screen worthy as it sounded) I wondered precisely how soundproof my little car really is. Sure, sometimes I play my Butch Walker too loud at stop lights and figure the family in the car next to me gets to rock out vicariously whether they like it or not...but what about the sound-carrying properties of Primal Screaming?
If it works in reverse, I would be safest administering the scream therapy in a Lexus. Since (and I'll hearken back to the auto show again for a moment) Lexus automobiles block external noises better than anything else on the road (yes, that's right Buick LaCrosse, one more way you don't quite measure up), stands to reason they conceal INTERNAL noises just as well, right? That if I really want to sit in a parking lot and let off a little steam, I'm less likely to draw attention to myself in a Lexus than a Corolla? And when I next decide to go car shopping would it be apropos to ask the car salesman to stand next to the car while I holler a little, to find out how soundproof the car really is?
Either way: I've leaped another life hurdle...the Screaming to Let Off Steam hurdle. Didn't expect to startle myself with what an accomplished technique I've managed straight out of the gate.
Do I anticipate making a regular habit out of the Scream Therapy? Nope - hope to have no further need for that, thanks. However: given that life seems to have recently dished out a little more than my plate comfortably accomodates, I have a few options. Option A: Freeway screaming.
Option B: a luxurious vacation to some sort of all-inclusive resort where I focus on nothing but myself for a week or so. Take care of myself. Pamper myself. Nurture myself. Take a honeymoon with myself.
Find a place with the best pool imaginable, spend 5 days straight at that pool...order lots of room service and spa treatments and get some serious progress made on that novel I'm writing. Tend to the soul.
Tend to the soul that needed to let off some steam this afternoon.
The soul that's had the same horrifically sappy song on repeat for the last 11 hours straight.
The soul that had something like a power surge this morning while crossing a parking lot and suddenly required some spiritual TLC.
The soul that wants nothing more than to be absolutely at peace, but is struggling a little bit in the practical application department.
The soul that's trapped somewhere between young woman and old lady, determined to come out ahead with wisdom to show for the journey, not bitterness, not fear, not anxiety.
The soul learning daily to live with grace, walk with hope, stand with courage, trust in faith and rest peacefully within the promise that I'll never be asked to stand up under more than I can bear.
The soul that's absolutely determined to live joyfully in the eye of this recent hurricane of struggle.
The soul that thinks bacon is perhaps the best way to start the day.
It it well with my soul.
I just scream from time to time to keep things that way.
This one is worth the hassle of registering! Wonderful, Heather! May you have many more experiences in which you amaze yourself at the things you can do but didn't know you could because you never had to before.
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