More steak and karaoke. Yep.

I like my sister's take: "resolutions schmesolutions: i'm perfect."

I'd like to say that's my reason for patently refusing to resolve each year. Actually, I'm just not particularly organized in the Personal Adminstrative Detail arena, so keeping the rent paid and car filled with gas is about all the ambition I can usually tolerate after the holidays.

HOWEVER - who decided resolutions have to be meaningful? What about making some meaningless promises to myself - ones that pack very little Life-Long-Impact punch but seem like fun? I think I could manage that (not to mention how loftily I could toss around statements like "I made 243 resolutions this year and kept every one of them. How 'bout you? No, nothing? Ha.")

This year I will try to:

- Eat more steak

- Do a cartwheel or two

- Spend less money at Target. Really - those lunchtime errands for "essentials" that ALWAYS end up with shopping bags full of scarves, hair care, shoes and lovely-smelling candles aren't helping the credit card balances. You know those "cheap" jeans won't fit properly anyway, so just walk away. And those earrings look suspiciously like 23 other pairs you've got taking up space in the jewelry box.

- Diversify the music library - how 'bout one new artist per week.

- More karaoke. This should probably be a national resolution. As Americans, we don't do nearly enough karaoke. Aim small - how about Quarterly Karaoke?

- Shave the legs more often. Not just that quick "eek, my ankles are showing when I cross my legs, better de-fuzz 'em" trick. The real deal. Maybe even some nice yummy-smelling lotion afterward (wow, livin on the edge...heh. this is probably the one on the list I WON'T keep...).

- Find an IPA that I can get excited about.

- Start Pudding Mondays. After discovering how delightfully simple pudding is to make, I think I should make and eat pudding weekly. Weekly pudding from here on out.

- Purge the undies drawer of the old ugly stuff. The panties (lame word, "panties") from college (the cutesy little printed cotton numbers) that haven't been touched in 8 years - just throw 'em away. No use being sentimental about old underwear. Along those lines: GENIUS of Victoria's Secret to go with "One Size Fits All" with those "Lacie" numbers. They really do fit all. Must buy more of those.

- Learn the words to that Blues Traveler song "Hook." That one that references Rin Tin Tin and Anne Boleyn. The words in that part of the tune cruise past faster than my brain can really register. See - lofty, life-changing goals.

- Run off to Hollywood; marry Benjamin McKenzie. Wait - oh. Hmm.

- Throw more things away. Not in that "Heather, you mean RECYCLE" sort of sense. I mean more trips out to the ol' dumpster. I let it accumulate. Why bother - take it out BEFORE the trash is full and heavy.

- Reduce the amount of crap I haul around in my purse. Downsize the purse. Fewer tubes of "just in case" mascara. Because - Heather, Heather, Heather - when was the last time a mascara emergency REALLY presented itself? Er, but I know the moment I no longer carry a spare with me I'll have one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments where a truck drives by while I'm rolling up my window leaving a fast food drive through and sloshes through an enourmous puddle and splashes a faceful of water into my open window, ruining my hair and causing my mascara to run in rivers down the cheeks. And I'll think "If only I had a spare mascara with me."

- I'm ripping off AJ on this one, but it WOULD be really, really cool to have one of those "Ocean's 13" style conversations where you fill in the blanks in each other's sentences. "Relationships can be..." "Sure." "But they're also..." "That's right." And that odd Facebook exchange from New Year's eve doesn't count. That was last year.

- Eat more. Yes, that's right. Eat more. I'm an emotional non-eater. When "life" picks up and things get emotional (good OR bad) my appetite tanks. I live on handfuls of sour patch kids and the occassional cup of coffee. Horrible way to take care of myself. I'm smarter than that.

- Trim the split ends.

-Take a yoga class. See - that's simple, easy - one yoga class and I'll have fulfilled the resolution. This feels like Resolving for Cheaters, 101. Yes, but I'll be more successful than those people that resolve to lose 25 pounds or learn a foreign language. I'll see your GOOD resolution and raise you 23 stupid, easy ones. I'll feel better about myself for accomplishing more of them.

- Read a biography. Don't think I've read one since that Mary Lou Retton bit back in grade school (and then only because we had the same hair cut). Would do me good to learn more about the life of, oh, Wayne Gretzky. For instance.

- Have a Really. Good. Kiss. There's no way to describe this without succumbing to horrible cliches, but would love to have that sort of kiss that absolutely gives you butterflies in your stomach and shivers on your skin and leaves you grinning for the rest of the day and fundamentally restores your faith in the power of mouth-to-mouth. My Kissing Faith has been somewhat shaken of late. I firmly believe The Kiss is one of those biological imperatives that all of us should fall out of the womb understanding how to do. Sadly: not the case...and this simply should NOT be such a difficult thing for so many people to master. Gold star if said Really. Good. Kiss. also happens to incorporate the subtle use of some teeth (and if I said that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade actually had some impact on Young Heather's idea about what fun teeth could be when kissing, you wouldn't believe me (particularly because it was sort of ruthlessly administered in the movie)....but it's true. Thanks, Elsa Schneider).

- Laugh more.

- Close my parenthesis more often.

- Use fewer parentheses (er, although if that makes the alternative footnotes or asterisks, I absolve myself of all responsibility for that resolution). See how I didn't get even remotely parenthetical there...?

- Censor myself less. This seems big and bold and life-changing (and contrary to the asinine spirit of my resolutions) HOWEVER, this is simple as saying "You look gorgeous today" rather than just thinking it. Or, "You're cool. Just wanted you to know." or "You definitely lost 5 pounds" or "Has anyone told you today that you're an ABSOLUTE FLIPPING MORON and I'm sorry I answered this particular phone call? No? Ah....first one today, hmm? You're an idiot." That sort of thing.

- Less abuse of Snooze Button. If I'm not going to get up until 6, don't set the alarm for 5 and put yourself through the same 2 bars of Garth Brooks' "You Move Me" every 10 minutes for an hour. Just don't.

- Take more photos.

- Watch "Casablanca."

- Try watching "Intolerable Cruelty" again. Is it still as un-funny as it was the first time?
- Track down my own copy of Power Rangers: The Movie. I remember that being great fun. And that cute Green Ranger would probably look like a silly child if I watched it today, but - for old time's sake - I should probably own that movie.

I could go on. But there are 28 random things of very little eternal impact that I can fling around as evidence that I resolved to do "several dozen" things in the new year and actually followed through.

Observe my smug superiority.