Cute idea, weak analysis.

Got excited by the title of this article: 10 Ways to Flirt with a Nerd.

I'm a terrible flirt.* And I like nerds. So initially this seemed like a sort of biblically enlightening premise.

It fell flat.

Granted, this was written by a woman who blogs for Marie Claire (and "yes, that magazine does still exist") about her "Year of living flirtatiously," so I suppose as part of the larger project I'm not surprised she doesn't delve too deeply into any one topic, since, from what I can tell, she yaps pretty exclusively about the different NYC bars she frequents each weekend, whom she spotted across the crowded floor, and which places were too filled with aspiring yuppies. Less pop-psych, more Yelp-lite.

Essentially I think the trouble is this: she interviewed a guy that organizes speed dating for geeks and when she asked him for his definition of precisely what makes a nerd a nerd, he says:

"As the Boss of Nerd Nite, I've always maintained a very broad — and thus, very inclusive — definition of nerd. The word applies to anyone who is both passionate and knowledgeable about one particular thing. The title isn't exclusively reserved for scientists and Trekkies. For instance, take the world's sexiest rock-star drummer, like a Tommy Lee. If he's able to spend 45 minutes explaining the different ways to tune a snare drum, then he's a nerd, too, on top of being a rock star."

Ahem.

I'm calling him on that one.

Because even the un-nerdiest stud could probably wax mind-numbing about his preference for one brand of top-shelf tequila over another (passionate and knowledgeable, sure. Nerd: eh, I'm thinking no).

And because even the least-geeky among us could spout ad nauseum about why the Dior mascara that clocks in at $24 is nowhere as good as the $6.99 tube of L'oreal from the drug store - and if someone argued with us, sure, we'd be incited to passionate oratorial lengths...but probably wouldn't end up classified "nerdy" for flirting purposes.

And because invoking Tommy Lee and nerd in the same sentence skews the context of the entire argument. All of a sudden no one reading this article is thinking about wooing that World Of Warcraft fanatic or about sealing the deal with the guy that wears his Three Wolves t-shirt earnestly, without irony. They're thinking of Tommy Lee and his tattoos and his sex tape and his Pamela Anderson - and none of those specifically conjure Nerd associations.

I'll take further issue with his notion that nerds are somehow more selective than their less Tommy Lee-esque compatriots (see - I can't reference Tommy without seeming contrary, either - it sinks the nerd ship):

"Nerds are MUCH choosier. If a nerd goes out with a coiffed, perfectly tan Barbie doll, he'll probably become bored (albeit extremely horny) within a few minutes. He might even sabotage the date to find more engrossing company — whereas other guys will patiently listen to her stories of nail polish and shopping in the hopes of getting into her pants."

Let's not be so swift to write Tommy Lee off as MUCH choosier. And let's not assume that those irony-free Three Wolves t-shirt-wearing "nerds" wouldn't endure uninteresting shopping anecdotes if there's a naked light at the end of the boring conversation tunnel. AND, let's not further assume that all perfectly tanned Barbie dolls are dull and incapable of discussing nerdy things. There are plenty of good-looking, well-coiffed girls out there that find a vocabulary infinitely sexy. And I'm sure even the most devoted Farmville fan gets laid every now and then.

Weak logic.

On the topic of "ways to turn a nerd's head" our Nerd Nite boss says this:

"Just tell him you have nerdy tendencies too. It's amazing how many guys will snap to attention if you share your own nerdy obsessions. Few things are more endearing."

Au Contraire.

I suspect geeky one-upmanship never leads to true love.

He-Nerd can say, "Settlers was one of the first German-style board games to achieve popularity outside Europe, and has been called the killer app of the genre. Over 15 million games in the Catan series have been sold, and the game has been translated into thirty languages from the original German. The game has rapidly become popular in part because its mechanics are relatively simple, while its dynamics are quite complex. The game is well suited for family play, since no one gets eliminated, and players who are behind can strive towards goals that are within their reach."

And then She-Nerd can say "I never split infinitives."

And they can both blink at each other and wonder why their next drink isn't here yet. And then He-Nerd will say: "By 1981, closed loop computer controls were in place. EGR flow was now more carefully controlled with dual diaphragm and back-pressure EGR valves. Modulating the vacuum to the EGR valve's pull, open diaphragm controlled the flow of recirculated ex- haust. Called by various names such as amplifiers, transducers and modulators, both remote and integral vacuum modulated devices were used. The flow of vacuum was further controlled by solenoids that blocked the vacuum ports until certain criteria were met such as engine temperature, rpm and manifold absolute pressure (MAP). "

And then She-Nerd will say "When it comes to English Language Usage, I agree with Wallace: 'Whether Methodological or Philosophical or pseudo-progressive, Descrptivists are, all and essentially, demagogues; and dogmatic Prescritivists are actually their most valuable asset, since Americans' visceral distaste for dogmatism and elitist fatuity gives Descriptivism a ready audience for it's Pathetic Appeal'"

And in the end, neither of them go home with Barbie OR Tommy Lee. And neither probably asks the other for a second date. And neither care about the quaintly endearing nature of the other's obsessive quirks.

So really, the entire article probably should have just been called "10 Ways to Flirt." And I wouldn't have been interested because I've already written my flirting skills off as atrophied, comatose, otherwise vegetative and I wouldn't have had the gall to believe that a bullet-pointed article on msnbc would have anywhere near valuable enough information to revive my skills.

But, since it invoked the Nerd title I was a sucker (as I am likewise a sucker for nerds when it comes to matters of the heart). Should have noticed the Marie Claire connection and saved us all some time.

*See: dream where I have an opportunity to ride around in a sleigh (you got it) with a particularly touchy-feely Colin Farrell only to be reprimanded by my mother for not making the most of my opporunity with a famous guy by being a generally terrible flirt. Mother offered to show me how it's done. Cue lifelong fear that if it ever came down to brass tacks and my mother and I had to beguile the same man, I would certainly FAIL. FAIL. FAIL miserably. My mother is very beguiling.