Oh, it rings.
This month is my busiest of the year (which means, in call center terms, that my standard "15 incoming answered per day" jumps up to 35, 40. The fact that I spend my days in an environment where statistics like that even mean anything is a testament to the fact that I'm in the wrong line of work. But that's another complaint for another day).
Customers are trying to close out their fiscal year, trying to issue W2s, trying to crank out 1099s, trying to make up for a year of NOT reconciling their general ledgers by calling their friendly software support line and acting as though their bookkeeping shortcomings are actually a programming bug. Not. Kidding. If I had a dime for every time I muttered "we are not Bookkeepers R Us" under my breath, I'd have a buck. Or two.
As a tribute to my righteous job-loathing, here are some of this week's favorite conversation excerpts (read: conversations rich with the sort of brainlessness that makes me wonder how the industry I support remains afloat at all if these are the types of geniuses at the accounting helm...) - I've changed a little of the software-specific jargon to pack a more universally-understood punch:
Conversation A:
Cigarette-voiced AP clerk: Something's wrong with my 1099s. The names of the vendors are all....weird.
Incoming 213: Hmmm. Have you run the 1099 update for this year? Is it possible you're seeing last year's data?
C-VAPC: No, that's not possible. I updated.
I213: Would you mind if we tried the update again? Just to say we double-checked.
C-VAPC: Well fine, but that's not the problem.
I213: Humor me.
C-VAPC: Ok. So I type in my dates...oh-one-oh-one-oh-nine through one-two-three-one-oh-nine, right?
I213: You got it.
C-VAPC: And then I click OK and I'm done, right?
I213: Did you click "UPDATE?"
C-VAPC: Oh. No. I'm supposed to do that?
I213: If we want the 1099s to have this year's info. Yes.
C-VAPC: Oh! Ok. I just clicked UPDATE...and...Hot Dog! My vendors aren't weird anymore!
I213: Magical. Funny how that works.
Conversation B
Skeptical CFO: When I run my CSR report, there's no period end date at the top. The date field is just blank.
I213: Let's try just typing the date in ourselves.
SCFO: I can do that?
I213: Give it a shot.
SCFO: Oh. That worked.
I213: Happy to help.
Conversation C
Easily-distracted IT guy: Hi, we have a problem with our ****Software.
I213: (to self: really? that's why you called the *****Software support line?) That's what we're here for - what's goin on?
E-DITG: So, my payroll person says there's something wrong with the way Workers Comp is handled when we pay employees bonuses.
I213: Yeah, that's a known-issue, actually. We'll have that fixed in the next service pack. In the meantime, you can blah blah blah blah blah blah blah....as a workaround.
E-DITG: Well that won't work for us.
I213: ........
And then E-DITG hangs up.
Conversation D:
Cocky Project Manager: Hey, so, question for ya.
I213: Sure, go for it.
CPM: Can we link a site to a job?
I213: Not in version 12. In version 13 you can link a job to a site
CPM: But not a site to a job?
I213: Not a site to a job.
CPM: But in Version 13 we can link jobs to sites?
I213: One site. One site per job.
CPM: What about jobs to sites?
I213: In Version 12 or Version 13?
CPM: Version 13.
I213: Then yes, you can link one site to one job.
CPM: But not jobs to sites?
I213: Are we even talking about different things? This feels very who's on first.
CPM: (chuckle) I think I got ya.
I213: Great.....(not sure that we just accomplished anything at all....). Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with.
I could probably drone on about how quickly my blood pressure sky-rockets when I'm on the other end of a conversation with a computer fear-monger ("Is it OK to click this button? Can I click it now? Should I press OK? Is that OK?") or with a Gum Chewer or with the old guy fighting a chest cold that coughs and wheezes breathes generally too heavily for comfort directly into his phone. That always makes for a very long 4 minutes and 36 seconds.
There are the "I called support before I used my brain" types and then there are the "Oh, shoot, where did I put that piece of paper with my question" types.
There are the "I know more than you do" types and the "This is probably a stupid question, but..." types.
There are the heavily-accented types ("What company are you calling from? I'm sorry, come again? Zenisdlikjwbanen Construction? No? Oh - could you give me the first few letters of that company name?") and there are the "five things going on in their office including several other phone calls and a barking dog" types.
There are the "Let me get my boss before I answer that question" types and the "I think I screwed something up, so help me fix this and we'll just keep it between us" types.
There are the Alabama slow-talkers and the Buffalo quick-talkers. There are the ones that shout into the phone and the ones on speaker that are probably halfway across a very large conference room speaking in a whisper.
You get the picture. Either way, I'm on the other end of the line, waiting to roll my eyes, kick my desk, throw my headset or make a generally startling "AAAARRRRRG!" noise the second they hang up.
Suddenly that "everybody's working for the weekend" song takes on a whole new meaning. As does my general level of understanding when I have to call any sort of customer service line. It's like a fraternity of under-appreciated, under-thanked, over-stressed people. I always want to say, "I have this sort of job, too...I sympathize, I really do."
Because, really: is there ANY kid out there that says "When I grow up: I want to be a customer support rep in a call center!"
Show me that kid, and I'll show you the black eye I'll give 'em while knocking them senseless.
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