Or, maybe not a NEW talent at all - maybe I was sliced outta the womb with this ridiculously under-appreciated, really, uselessly excellent skill.
Someone should pretty much create a game show to showcase my wizardry - that's about the only way I figure I could ever get rich off of this. It would be a Spike or a USA or a JOE TV sort of game show - not that my skill is ENTIRELY "NSFW" but it's one of those tacky things that would be appreciated by bored single guys at a slightly higher rate than, say, the demographic that settles in for an evening of HGTV or Lifetime....Bravo maybe. Maybe I should pitch this to Bravo.
Anyway - about my Mad Skillz:
I know celebrity backsides.
Asses.
Show me a picture of a celebrity bum, I'll tell you to whom the bum belongs.
I'm right, like, 90% of the time. It's insane.
The gossip blog Agent Bedhead includes a mystery celebrity ass almost every day, so I can keep my talent polished. Sometimes they're so PhotoShopped it's hard to tell, BUT, in the cases where it's a candid photo of a real person not edited to high heck for use in a magazine - I can usually guess correctly.
How do I do it?
Well first off: I'm exceptionally gifted. Own that first and the rest shall follow. So, aside from straight-up God-given talent, I have a handful of criteria that work pretty well to help me narrow it down. First - I spend LOTS of time on celebrity gossip cites honing my familiarity with the various bumps, bulges and curves of plenty of chicks presently in the limelight (I haven't tried out this trick with any dude-celebrities....but I think I could tell my Matt Damon from my Jon Hamm if pressed).
ALSO - context plays a huge role in figuring out who's curves belong to whom. For instance - if it's a teeny tiny skimpy bikini on a girl with no hips, I narrow my knowledge of girls with no hips who like to show themselves off (perhaps due to a recent weight loss) and come up with a handful of possibles. Then I take skin tone into account. Is it a fair-skinned, no-hipped attention whore or a golden-skinned, tiny-hipped bikini babe? That narrows the field considerably. Finally, we've got a skinny person in tiny clothes - are they toned, or are they just a no-eater? This helps, too. There are plenty of skinny celebs who just have very little fat because they're afraid of so much as a latte. But then there are the running-on-the-beach-o-philes; they'll have perkier backsides and less cellulite.
How about WHAT they're wearing? If it's not a bikini - is it a mini-dress that screams "Me! Look at me!" or something a little more "hiding out, avoiding cameras" or "dashing into Whole Foods" appropriate? Or, have I seen something that looks like that backside before - but from the front?
Combine all of these and my odds are pretty good.
Here's a sample of recently "yep! I was right!" predictions:
/\ Halle Berry /\
Process of elimination went something like this: she's fit, she's curvy, she's got a waist and golden skin and isn't rocking some sort of 20 year-old starlet lace tights and boots with her cutoffs. So she has taste. And she knows she looks good enough in just a tee-shirt and cutoffs that she doesn't need to dress it up. Who's a golden-skinned grown-up who would look good in a paper bag and has enviable curves? Halle Berry! CORRECT.
/\ Jessica Biel /\
This one was surprisingly easy. Who has one of the notoriously nicest backsides in Hollywood? Who's in great shape with terrific legs and not much for waist and hips? Who's fair skinned, so NOT seen out on the beach often? Who has bad taste in clothes and therefore probably bad taste in swimsuits? Aha. And I was right.
/\ Katy Perry /\
Sorry - another easy one. Who likes to wear tight plastic outfits and would be lame enough to wear a glorified Wonder Bread bag on stage? 
/\ Leighton Meester /\
Here I had to default to "where have I seen something hideous and lacy and sheer recently and WHO was wearing it?" Who's desperate for attention, young enough not to know better, misguided enough to think this is high-fashion and ill-advised enough to wear it out of the house? Why Leighton, of course. It's hard work trying to upstage Blake Lively!
/\ LeeAnn Rimes /\
This was my example from earlier. No-hipped, fair-skinned, bony blonde with linebacker shoulders who obviously likes to exercise and wants to show it all off. Our favorite Twitter hog, Mrs Eddie Cibrian. 
/\ Lindsay Lohan /\
The leggings gave her away. All I needed were the leggings and boots and knew who we were dealing with. Extra tip-offs: long fried hair and ugly jacket - she's rarely seen without a cropped jacket and giant purse these days...
/\ Megan Fox /\
She has lumps! I wasn't expecting lumps! But this one was pretty easy, also. Megan is constantly bragging about her tiny waist, she's got the long, thick, dark hair, and I could see a piece of tattoo on her arm. The lumpiness had me doubting myself, but my first guess was correct - it's the (not so) Fox.
/\ Miranda Kerr /\
This looked like a snippet from a Victoria's secret catalog - add dark hair and we're probably dealing with either Miranda Kerr or Alessandra Ambrosio. I'm HIGHLY envious of (and therefore startlingly familiar with) Alessandra's lower half, and this ain't it That leaves Miranda as the likely culprit. CORRECT!
/\ Olivia Wilde /\
I thought I remembered seeing Olivia Wilde wearing a drab olive bikini awhile back. And I know she's not particularly tanned, and not particularly hourglass-esque, so this seemed likely. Bingo!Oh - and that one at the top? Vanessa Hudgens.
See - I'm good! And you're jealous! Or you're embarrassed that you were just caught looking at these at work! Or you wonder if you have what it takes to beat me at my own game show!
You don't.
In case you were wondering.
This is my claim to fame. For now.
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