Eminem will gospel-shame you into driving a Chrysler.

Well, I guess now I have to buy a Chrysler. I mean, I wasn't really in the market for new car, or an American car, or even a big, conservative, manly-looking car, but now that Eminem (er, I'm sorry - Chrysler?) has invoked history and "boot-strappiness" and images of angels and finally sucker-punched us with the ever-effective advertising power of a Detroit gospel choir and some theatrical finger-pointing....I guess I have to buy a new car.

Because after an estimated $12 million commercial spot and some extra millions in production expenses and a million or two for Eminem to appear and wag his finger at us with the power of angels and choirs to back him up the LEAST they stand to gain is my measly 20K or whatever they're charging for the big, black ManMobile, right? And to recoup that I guess they'd only need another 749 of us to apply that same logic. Ooh - I just looked up the price tag - my guess was pretty spot-on - they're starting at about $19,300. Hey, I'm good. I like my cars. I can guess what they charge for a reboot of the Sebring.

So - the commercial. My first thought was that they'd really created a pretty effective commercial. It was grandiose - it was emotionally stirring. It was at the same time both gritty and poetic. It made good use of the familiar "Lose Yourself" riff with which we all associate Sir Em. It finished with a very in-your-face plea - very "dude. I'm a rapper. I drive this car. You should drive this car. And you can forgive me for shilling for Brisk tea at the same because it means I'm making money through endorsements rather than big headlining tours, and that's all meant to protect my sobriety. Dude. So drive the damn Chrysler and be tough and recovered like me."

Honestly, 10 years ago if you'd told us Eminem would be bustin out the gospel choir guns to convince us a revamped, re-named Sebring is what sexy luxury is all about, we'd pretty much have laughed in your face.

But this is Eminem rebooted, too. Detroit's been to hell and back. Eminem's been to hell and back - why not spend a WHOLE LOT of money on the longest commercial in Super Bowl history to suggest that both Detroit and Eminem, after something of a hiatus, are both back and fabulous. The idea is sound.

But the imagery....the imagery was flat depressing.

Shots of a run down, frozen, industrial-looking Motor city spliced alongside clips of churches, steeples, statues suggested a definite undercurrent: God is on dirty Detroit's side. And since Eminem is their new badass mouthpiece, the logic would follow that God is on Eminem's side, too. Which is, again, an interesting comparison to draw, particularly when we think about how audacious that would have seemed just a few short years ago. So maybe, what we're left with after that commercial, is less any sense of urgency to Buy American and more a sense of "wow, Eminem sure has come a long way - and he's looking so skinny...."

I suspect, "Wow, that one car commercial where Eminem looked skinny was cool" is probably not the flavor Chrysler wanted to leave in our mouths.

There's a line about halfway through the commercial where the narrator says, of luxury, "it's as much about where it's from as who it's for."

PROBABLY also should have re-thought that line. Because to ponder that one makes us realize how true that statement really is - when a beauty product is from France we give it more credibility, assume it's better, more luxurious. When a handbag or a pair of boots comes from Italy, we assume it's of higher quality or -- yes -- more luxurious. Stereotype association. Which works when the stereotypes are glamorous.

Stereotype association with Detroit goes something like this: Unemployment, unemployment, cold, unemployment, cars, unemployment, 8 Mile, unemployment....something along those lines.

And suggesting that the "hottest fires make the strongest steel" really only serves to make Motor City, USA sound like a surly, calloused, unyielding, big, chilly chunk of metal that's been seriously burned. And surly chunks of metal don't really evoke luxury. Likewise, STEEL itself doesn't make me think "change," or adaptability or fluidity or resiliency. Or make me want to drive the car. In fact, the entire thing leaves me feeling chilly. Like I want hot chocolate. And maybe I'd like to drink that hot chocolate while letting Eminem drive me around for the afternoon. But then you'd be glad to get home, and let Em go on his way - because, sort of like that Chrysler, you might think about taking something notoriously, historically volatile out for a test spin and a cup of cocoa, but you don't take it home, long-term.

But, I think, few people will probably dissect the commercial to this extent. Instead, they'll spend the rest of the afternoon whistling that little bit about "mom's spaghetti" on his sweater and not quite remembering how the rest of the first verse of "Lose Yourself" went after all of these years.

Meaning mission to gospel-shame us into buying the re-named Sebring was NOT, QUITE EFFECTIVE. But it looked nice.