I understand why the Kardashians are such media gold.
I know, I know - I wasn't going to so much as reference them, let alone dedicate entire paragraphs to my "aha!" moment, but then I figured - "screw it - how many times have I asked myself WHY these women are still snagging magazine covers? I owe my skepticism a little relief......"
We whine about the fact that they're "famous for nothing," but I think that's precisely WHY we can't look away. It's sort of like what would happen if one member of that gigantic family of girls we knew back in high school - those annoying, ditzy ones with big boobs and big hair and plenty of boyfriends and an easy spot on the cheer squad - ended up with a sex tape that led to a reality show that led to tons of magazine covers and red carpet appearances and spin-off shows and more magazine covers and product endorsements.....
It's sort of like they seem ALMOST normal enough we could picture OURSELVES or people we know in the exact same sort of magnifying glass - and because they broadcast every detail of their lives (every lactating, ovulating, weight-gaining, hair-coloring detail....), we feel like we KNOW them - and there's this sort of double whammy effect - they're somehow accessibly familiar in the first place, then we "really get to know them" via stupid articles where they interview REAL celebrities, and more radio morning show sound bytes, and all of sudden we realize precisely how they gained so much power.
It's because of people like me. People who LOATHE their ubiquity, but read the articles in spite of myself.
There was a moment today when I realized that Kim is now recognized by her first name alone. Huffington post had a story called "Kim Explains Weight Gain" and I knew immediately who they were referencing. What other Kim would be yapping about gaining 10 pounds while in New York? What other Kim would headline the entertainment section of a news site? What other Kim would be so arrogant as think we care about those 10 pounds?
Kardashian, of course.
Oh boy!
I mean, shoot - I'll admit - I've been suckered into visiting her "Shoe Dazzle" website where (as the sidebar ads suggest - ugh) you can "Dress like Kim!" ACTUALLY, it's not so much "dress like Kim" as it is a subscription service that sends you shoes and purses every month for a flat fee of 40 bucks and free shipping. So, basically, it's like the old record club, but with platform pumps and peep-toe booties. Their Jimmy Choo knockoff-esque purses aren't half bad, I'll admit....begrudgingly. Because it's the truth: these hags are consumer gold and for as much as I roll my eyes I'll still read the articles. Most of us do. Even if it's just to point an irate finger at the magazine and the computer screen while we shriek "DIE! JUST DIE ALREADY!" we're still participating in their Empire.
And when Mama Kris hits menopause and makes the rounds on The View and the Joy Behar show and appears on the Oprah Network to talk about "What to expect when you're going through The Change" she'll still probably net ratings and still snag a magazine cover and she'll continue to rake in money for The Empire.
Anyway - today's thesis, in a nutshell: We watch them BECAUSE they're famous for nothing. And somewhere, in the deepest reaches of our collectively fed up psyches, we're morbidly curious about "normal" people who become famous overnight - about the sisters who still fight and hit each other and compliment each others boobs when they're looking particularly good and still borrow each others clothes without asking and still can't really find a boyfriend who will stick around. They struggle with weight gain and fertility issues and fix it all with retail therapy - so really, they're pretty much just like us.
(that sound you just heard was me tossing myself off of a cliff......)
I put myself through this Harper's Bazaar interview where the writer finds new and amazing ways to brown nose....which says to me that the industry knows she's worth enough money that they handle her with kid gloves and cower at the foot the the Throne Kardashian. Because putting her on the cover sells the magazine.
Here are some snippets....(I'd say "kill me now," but with that cliff maneuver, I'm already one dead puppy):
On consumerism: Kim is an avatar of American consumerism. "Once I tweeted, 'Oh my God, I just tried a Golden Oreo. I've never in my life had something so amazing,'" she remembers. "Then Oreo sent me crates of them. To my door." She amuses herself: "Hmm, I like Bentleys, flat-screen TVs, diamonds...."
On being easy to relate to: But for all of this, Kim is not a brat—and, in her own way, is weirdly relatable. She tends to speak of herself and her sisters as one being. "We have the glitz and the glam, and people want to live vicariously through it. Personally, though, I'm the first to say I have to work out extra hard, and it's such a struggle for me to eat healthy. I have sister issues and parent issues and all sorts of things."
On her mask of makeup: Today, Kim is in all black—sunglasses, saucy boots, her famous curves on display. But refreshingly, her face—so often covered with a counter's worth of product—is nearly makeup free. "I didn't have time to go home before this interview, and I was like, I have to go do my hair and makeup." She smiles with a level of bravado. "But I'm getting more comfortable not having a face full of makeup."
This is, quite literally, disarming. Under all of that product, Kim is a beautiful girl, her dark Armenian features a lesson in comely symmetry. So why so much spackle? "I do rely on having a full face on," she admits. "But I get that this"—she gestures to her face—"is more fashion. It's hard to let go. But then I think the glam can be my fashion. It's my own accessory." Like Lady Gaga and crazy shoes? "Yes! It's my crazy shoe."
On Botox and cosmetic surgery: Kim tried Botox last year on the show. "All my friends had done it, and I was curious. But I saw such a change in what my face looked like. It didn't work for me. Someone told me yesterday that I needed it. That is so ridiculous."
She fields plastic-surgery questions all the time. "Some people say, 'You've definitely had your nose done.' If I had, I would say, 'Here's the doctor, he's amazing, and I'll make the appointment for you.' Sometimes I'll see pictures that say I've had my nose done, and the before pic is after the after." She attributes the nose debate to her favorite makeup trick, contouring. "Someone saw me last night and my nose was so contoured. And they were like, 'You've had your nose done?' And I was like, 'No, wait until I wash my face.'"
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