Her weight drops when a new CD drops, she works the publicity circuits, looks amazing, then goes back to a more sustainable "normal" between gigs. She shapes up for a tour, comes home and hits the dinners out like a real girl. One of those "In defense of Xtina: she's just like you and me" bits.
THEN I decided there are few things I enjoy more than cruising the webernets for pictures of ladies I adore (and scrutinizing whether she looked thinner last week, or thinner in 2004), so why not toss together a retrospective of this chick I can't help loving. Sure. Why not.
So here it is: a Decade of Christina....the ups and downs of hair, fashion and dress size.
Beware: almost none of it's good. That's probably part of why I'm so hooked on this chick. She can sing like no one's business, but ask her to toss together an outfit with any reasonable degree of class....and....um....she fails. Miserably. 90% of the time. Makes for great photo cruising. And in case you're not entirely up-to-date on your entire Xtina music library....each year gets its own song title. Bwuahahahahaha. ha. ha.
2000 - "Back in the Day"
During her first world tour, word on the street (and by street, I mean an "E! True Hollywood Story" that I must have watched on 3 different occasions back in 2001 or so) suggested she was dancing her already itsy-bitsy backside off every night and simply couldn't keep the pounds on to save her, uh, rack. Her nutritionist was pumping her full of protein shakes and high calorie food between shows, but they still had to take her costumes in every night. Hence:
2001: "Impossible"
The world tour continued. Fame grew. Competition with Britney Spears raged on, ill-advised fashion choices persisted. For the better part of a year she rocked waist-length, braided extensions that managed to upstage most of her fashion choices. For the better part of 2001 you didn't spot Xtina sans spooky Medusa-locks:
Even worse...eventually they had to come out. And -- naturally -- she showed up on the red carpet in that uncomfortable window between removing braids and, um, washing hair (which, on the one hand, might not have seemed like such a bad idea if it helped distract from the makeup she put herself through here):
2002: "Dirrty."
Yep, so toward the end of 2002 the album Stripped hit the shelves, and the first single, "Dirrty," apparently became more like a way of life for the girl who made "Assless Chaps" a pop culture phrase that needed no explanation. Along with the ubiquitous "leather pants and bikini top" ensemble that we couldn't escape, she rocked her signature two-tone hair and all of the spray-tanned abs we could handle. And actually, they were great abs (and great cheeks creeping out of those chaps), so we could handle quite a lot.
With the exception of the VH1 Big in 2002 event, I don't think her belly button saw darkness for an entire year. This was also the year she got to hold her own rack in Maxim. And here's the deal: I'm not particularly convinced the girl did get implants. Over the years, the girls seemed to grow when she put on some pounds, they really refused to be ignored when she got pregnant, and they just ride a little low on the chest to convince me they're not home grown.....I may be her only defender there. But there's no defending the fashion choices of 2002 (but the body, however, was looking fit and healthy, and if I looked like that, I probably would have gone through an "Assless Chap" phase, too):
2003: "Save me from myself"
Between the releases of Stripped in 2002 and Back to Basics in 2006, she tried living on the dark side. The only time in her career she's ever been a brunette was also the only time in her career she looked distinctly like....well....what most normal girls would look like poured into leather costumes after the freshman 15. Trouble is, most normal girls who suddenly sprout hips and a muffin top don't pour themselves into leather, fishnets and daisy dukes and take to the stage with Justin Timberlake. Or get to kiss Madonna on stage at the VMAs, for that matter, so I guess the comparison is weak.
Anyway - she went on record with some magazine and mentioned that the extra fluff on her figure was due to being on the Pill, and a generation of us girls nodded, knowingly. Hey, it happened to me, too, around about that same time. However, also around that time she committed some of her worst fashion sins to date. She was struggling, trying to find her style in a post-dirrrrrrty body and a pre-Gaga pop landscape.
The bummer in this case: it was a hot year for rival Britney - she released "In the Zone," snagged a Rolling Stone cover, looked generally Hot-Hot-Hot to Xtina's Not-so-much-Not-so-much-Not-so-much:
2004:"Make Over"
It wasn't but weeks into 2004 that our girl went back to a take-no-prisoners, Marilyn shade of platinum. And we could all breathe a little more easily. She fell into step with an Old Hollywood Gone Millenial Pop Star look that seemed to suit her - she embraced the curves, but kept them out of our face just a little. She showed up on TRL looking particularly normal, she found a shade of red lipstick that made her feel powerful and stuck with it (er, for the next half a decade, but that's neither here nor there....), she managed to pull herself together and scrub herself off a little bit - she looked less Mystic (and, okay, a little more plastic, but tidier, nonetheless.....), less likely to scare grade school children, less like she's clinging to the Era of the Chaps. She's also dating future-husband Jordan Bratman at this point so I'm going to generalize and call him the single most positive influence on her style this decade.....
2005: "Stronger Than Ever"
This was a good year for our girl. She got hitched. Spent time in the studio working on Back to Basics and -- apparently -- went to lots of fashion shows. It helped. While the whole Marilyn-esque pinup look she's clearly channeling is cliche and done-to-death (and her version still errs more on the side of halloween costume versus "chic and wearable," even occasionally bumping up against a "Golden Girls Prom" vibe) it's a continued improvement - an attempt to look like an adult. It works. We'll call it the "Look! I have a waist! And human skin under all of that makeup!" year:
2006: "I Got Trouble"
Err - you'd think the advent of her first album in 4 years would also mark the advent of a concerted effort to look absolutely fantastic. No such luck. She looks tired and disinterested in most photos this year, and while she's back in pretty great shape, she falls into a sort of cartoonish drag queen vibe that un-does all of the good she spent 2005 doing. She's growing the hair out (no complaints there), she's promoting her album, launching her tour and looking, generally, like she belongs in a Vegas show, circa 1947. See for yourself:
2007: "I'm OK"
I like to think that Jordan intervened here. Or that there was something about nesting and preparing to be a mother that jived pretty well with her sense of style. She rebounded just a little in 2007, rocking a fuller, baby-on-the-way figure that agrees with her. She gets to glow a bit in 2007. She also gets to wear dark tights with almost everything, a choice with which I shall permanently, ardently, patently disagree, particularly when paired with lighter colored shoes. And I can't make peace with a white turtleneck sweater-dress, period. But whatever - the hair is less crispy than it's looked in a few years, she even manages a few very flattering gowns for a handful of premiers.
2008 - "Slow Down Baby"
Baby.....bangs? Yep. Kid is born, bangs are hatched. Tiny, short, ill-advised little baby bangs that were probably seen on the likes of Katie Holmes circa 2002. Bangs that should not be worn by a grown woman with a baby on her hip. Ugh. Either way, she takes her post-baby rack out to a nightclub opening. I'm inspired, at this point, to come up with some occasion to strap myself into something Herve Leger as soon as I'm nursing some day and boost those girls up to ridiculous proportions. Practical: no, better not be. Exceptionally noticeable: oh yes. And Xtina has her finest Pam Anderson moment to date. Before the bangs.
What's good about this year, aside from the cleavage? I don't think she's spied wearing black tights once. Movin on up.
2009: "Underappreciated"
I feel like Xtina didn't learn the single most important lesson in dressing yourself until last year: black is your best friend. A girl can't fail in black. When the hair looks bad, the baby bangs are growing out, the rack has dwindled slightly from its post-baby glory and you're trying to figure out how to seem fresh and relevant on the cusp of another major album release, black is pretty safe. It's not always interesting (and truly, 2009 was a little bit of a dull year for X), but it's not going to make people scratch their heads and wonder what on earth you were thinking. Jordan probably taught her that, too. Props this year, however, for fabulous shoe choices - check out the lacy Louboutins in the last shot - would probably maim and kill for those. Er, yes. I probably would:
2010 - "Suck it, Gaga: I can wear horrible clothes, too." Oh? That's not a song title? Then how 'bout "Woohoo."
So, suddenly this month our girl is catching heat for gaining weight "rapidly," which, according to the paps, is confusing those around her who know she's working hard on choreography for "Burlesque" (due out in November) and can't figure out how she could have gained a few in spite of that. My take: a bad dress and horrible hair can do terrible, unbelievable things in photographs. In the photo in question, she's decked out like a cake topper with the worst prom hair I've seen in years. All combine to make her face look rounder and her hips wider than I think they actually are.
Anyway - Bionic released this June amid much "She's copying Gaga!" hype, so she did her best to strut around looking edgy and looking as comfortable wearing only fishnets for pants as Gaga looks out in publish wearing only fishnets for pants. I say, take a cue from your 2005 style book - this girl can do bombshell like no body's business. Speaking of body - I've always loved that this girl embraces the hourglass God gave her - she flaunts the itty bitty waist, she works a corset top - she's a girl's girl who loves those heels and isn't afraid of her hips. So lay off of her already - she's probably through nursing, through filming, and is back home for some time with the family and the Pizza Hut - give a girl a break. Or declare her pregnant and get excited about it. Whatever - 2010:
And there ya have it. A decade of my favorite girl looking mostly awful. And you're still standing.
