First up - Jason Sudeikis. The new David Spade. As in "he must smell really great, or give really great....um....COMPLIMENTS....or have something fantastic going on south-of-belt" because I can come up with no other reason why this man gets up-close-and-personal with as many A-listers as he does.
I know, I'm blinded by the fact that he has fluffy hair, so I can see no further, I'll admit that much. I kept trying to put my finger over his hair in that picture to decide if he would look any better bald (trick question: of course he would), but then I get this sort of "goofy Bryan Cranston a'la Breaking Bad" vibe which doesn't really help much, either......though I do love Bryan Cranston.....
Back to the Dork at Hand: first off, he's a funny enough guy. I enjoy him on SNL, though there's nothing particularly memorable or spectacular or all that original about his schtick. But he's good. HOWEVER - in the past year he's had his name (and other things) associated with Jennifer Aniston, January Jones and NOW: Scarlett Johansson. And he accomplished all of that BEFORE that "Hall Pass" movie even opened. You know - THIS movie:
Okay, I actually chuckled a few times during that preview. The chloroform bit - decently amusing.
Now, the ScarJo camp has issued bland but reasonably believable denials. "They're just friends," and "They became buddies during Scarlett's SNL hosting gigs," or "They have mutual friends," but my guess is that she actually might be slummin it with The Sudeikis when she thinks no one's looking. Because he's probably one of those "cute once you get to know him" types that surprises you with some impressive.....um....SINCERITY.....er....behind closed doors.
Anyway - he just finished up a 6-month run with January Jones and apparently "tried" dating Aniston - so he's got a "Bland and Blonde" type that he likes. He was married to 30 Rock writer Kat Cannon before the Series of Aniston Denials, but I have to wonder if this isn't the beginning of a long line of head-scratchingly high-profile girlfriends for this guy....
I just don't get it.
So I won't try.
Moving right along.
Also under the SLUMMING heading we have the next installment in my "Heather Dreams Celebrities are Embarrassed to be Seen With Her BUT They Can't Stay Away" series.
This time: Jason Statham. He probably popped up because the Daily Mail had some non-story about the fact that he and his Victoria's Secret model/girlfriend have finally returned home from their Extended Caribbean Holiday and can get back to that business of playing house in their big, new, fancy American Mansion.
New twist: my mother was nowhere in sight to berate my lame flirting skills in this dream. Which wouldn't really have mattered because last night, Senor Statham was quite drunk. And we were in some sort of post-apocalyptic London which was mostly flooded. There was trash floating all over the place.
But on one little floating concrete island we had the home of his current model/girlfriend Rosie Huntington-Whitely and on another little floating concrete island we had Casa de Heather. And as much as he loathed himself for it (therein: the slumming), he just couldn't stay away from MY little floating concrete island in the wasteland of neo-London. He couldn't help himself, he wanted a soggy piece of me. This made Victoria's Secret Rosie very mad.
Now, I never want to be the reason a supermodel is pissed off and resorts to tossing supermodel glares across the swampy city -- BUT -- I can't deny the smug gratification I had when I became "The little ordinary girl [that] could." Anyway - dream commenced. The Statham kept getting tossed out of bars. He was trying to drink himself back into the Supermodel arms, I can only suppose. And every time they tossed him out of a bar, he ended up on my flooded doorstep. Ehhhhh, maybe it's because she looks like THIS without makeup on......(sorry - cheap shot, couldn't help it)
So yeah...my dreams are good to me. And in dreamland, Mr Conflicted didn't even have booze-breath. Just a lot of aggression. Because - uh, he's Jason Statham. I refuse to believe Jason the Man actually goes shoe-shopping with his model-girlfriend. Who are we kidding - Jason the Action Hero totally hangs out in dark basements doing pull-ups with his pinkies and getting pumped to kick someone's teeth in.
And I'm not a girl that likes a tough guy. So the whole "I'm ANGRY - I'm DRUNK - I don't know if I wanna nail you or send my FIST through that WALL!" routine is no good, even in dreams...now shoe shopping....shoe shopping is good.
In other news - Oscar nominations are out! This is my NFL post-season equivalent. I'll issue my "wishes and predictions" in a few weeks - for now, it looks like I've got some movie-watching ahead of me.....
No comments:
Post a Comment