MegaMonthofCountdowns #7 - 10 Greatest celebrity moments of 2010

I'll put it this way:

I don't care about Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson. They're never going to make my list of "great" celebrity moments. We'll call them "expensive celebrity moments" because that whole Thinking With the Wrong Head problem all of them seem to have has cost them, collectively, MILLIONS of dollars in divorce settlements, alimony, child support, attorney's fees, damage control: you name it.

HOWEVER - there were some delightful moments in celebrity gossip this year. Also delightful: none of them involved any of the Kardashians. Incidentally (side trip, side trip) I watched my first episodes of "Keeping up the the Kardashians" this weekend. Bruce Jenner came out looking like a) a melting man and b) the most normal ditz in the household. Thank HEAVENS he pulled his 11 year-old off the stripper pole AND had the good sense to fire the highly unusual "nanny" his pea-brained (but preturnatually preserved) wife hired for them so that he could golf all and she could lay around at the spa. Also odd: why do middle school-aged girls NEED a nanny? Answer: they don't, but it seemed like a great stunt to pull for reality TV production purposes.

BUT ANYWAY - this year's gossip.

How 'bout this - I'll save my FAVORITE (and latest-breaking item!) for the #1 slot. Add a little suspense to the journey.

#10 - Blondes bought boyfriends

Both LeAnn Rimes and Jessica Simpson (and, we could probably argue to a similar extent, Reese Witherspoon) spent most of the year parading their unemployed man pieces around the globe. Italy, Mexico, Hawaii, you name it. Both blondes are doing pretty well for themselves. Neither boyfriend is discernibly employed and both are living VERY comfortably off of their blondes. But there are, apparently, perks to having bought your boyfriend: you get design rights when it comes time to buy yourself that engagement ring and act "shocked!" when he hits you up for a chance to borrow the ring and present it back to you. LeAnn's engagement came after MONTHS of faux-bended-knee Twitter antics and shocked no one. Jessica's engagement came minutes after Nick Lachey popped the question to longtime girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo and also shocked no one.

#9 - Sex went animatronic

Last spring, it was hard to decide which story ate up more gossip blog real estate: the fact that the Sex & The City sequel was supposed to be horrifically bad, the fact that we couldn't escape the Sex ladies for, oh, NINE MONTHS leading up to the premier, OR the fact that every poster for the movie featured practically unrecognizable, not-quite-human, horrifically PhotoShopped versions of the actresses that left their bodies looking eerily waxy and their faces pretty much....rearranged. Sort of like Johnny Depp's animatronic doppelganger in the Pirates of the Caribbean Disneyland ride. With better shoes. But really, this was just one more chink in the armor of advertising authenticity. I mean, none of us really believe that Julia Roberts still looks like this, right?

Or how about this work done to Madonna?

(thanks to Celebitchy for the images)
So, the movie made a few bucks, was epically lampooned in the media and probably managed to finally kill the cash cow Sex franchise. But in this case I prefer to think Sarah Jessica Parker's digitally maneuvered eyeballs did most of the work. Seriously. Check 'em out.

#8 - The breasts that answer to the name Christina Hendricks bounced down a lot of red carpets

Seriously, her breasts had a great year. Because, pardon my pandering to incredibly obvious cliches that have been done to death already, we refer to this gorgeous redhead as Christina Hendricks, but actually, her breasts are named Christina Hendricks and the rest of her is just the body attached to the breasts known as Christina Hendricks.

Anyway - the rack had a great year. So did the rest of the cast of Mad Men. HOWEVER - where January Jones did her fair share of interviews and came out sounding like a half-wit, and where Elizabeth Moss ended up looking good but was ultimately wholly overshadowed by the Scientology divorce she went through from SNL's Fred Armisen, Christina Hendricks managed to endear herself to everyone on the face of the earth, yours truly very much included. In interviews she came off as gracious and warm and normal, she's ridiculously good-looking, she and her husband seem to adore one another - it was a good year to be the breasts that answer to Christina Hendricks. And anywhere she went, people snapped pictures of her as though they'd never seen a woman with giant bosoms wearing an evening gown. She headlined every fashion piece on the gossip sites for the better part of the fall. No complaints here. I was fascinated with her basically lame styling. Pretty girl, lovely dresses, bad hair and makeup. 

#7 - Kanye continued his reign

Fine, I guess I just look for random excuses to reference Kanye. The guy's douche cup runeth over in the most delightful way......lots of Hennessy-fueled all-caps rants against Matt Lauer this year. I have no real opinion on Matt Lauer one way or the other, so we'll err on the side of Kanye - he MUST have disrespected the King.

HOWEVER - my favorite piece of Kanye gossip this year came on the heels of George W's admission that having Kanye call him a racist was one of the darkest times of his presidency. We'd expect more twitter-indignation from Big K. But nope. Here's a snippet from Entertainment Weekly that describes it pretty well:

Kanye West has responded to former president George W. Bush’s recent statement regarding his controversial post-Hurricane Katrina remarks. West’s surprising reply: Now that five years have gone by, he can sympathize more with the man he once said “doesn’t care about black people.”

Bush recently told Matt Lauer that hearing West say those words during a Hurricane Katrina benefit telethon was “a disgusting moment.” He recalled telling his wife at the time that West’s comments were in fact the single worst moment of his presidency. Today, an interviewer from a Houston radio station asked West for his thoughts on the matter.

“I definitely can understand the way he feels, to be accused of being a racist in any way, because the same thing happened to me, where I got accused of being a racist,” West replied, referring to the aftermath of his run-in with Taylor Swift last fall. “For both situations, it was basically a lack of compassion that America felt in that situation. With him, it was a lack of compassion of him not rushing, him not taking the time to rush down to New Orleans. For me, it was a lack of compassion of cutting someone off in their moment. But nonetheless, I think we’re all quick to pull a race card in America. And now I’m more open, and the poetic justice that I feel, to have went through the same thing that he went [through] — and now I really more connect with him on just a humanitarian level.”

I like that. It was the least arrogant Big K's ever sounded. Like a human being with a soul. Most of the time I think he was born without one. Part of why I dig the guy - he's arrogant and soulless and so completely unashamed of himself, he's a strange anthropological anomaly. Let's see - he also threw a hissy fit when his album art was banned from Walmart. And there were rumours floating around that his no-strings-attached dalliances with Kim Kardashian had resulted in what would absolutely be the most mal-adjusted fame-whore love child known to man. Untrue, those rumours, but worth a chuckle. Anyway - after laying low for the first few months of the year, he came back in true Bastard form and kept himself in the headlines for embarrassing antics for the second half of 2010.

#6 - The Best Actress Curse struck again

So, actually, Sandra's big win and big heartbreak was one of the biggest gossip stories of the year. And, of course, it brought up the sad fact that a Best Actress win is, apparently, about as good for a marriage as inviting a tattooed, racist hooker into your bedroom as a birthday present to your husband. Oh, wait - that actually happened?

Anyway - Sandra went gracefully underground, resurfaced to file for the quickest, least-contested divorce in the history of Tattooed Hooker Interloping History, and even managed to find time to adopt a cute, cookie-faced little kid in the process. Because nothing says "I'm fabulous and over you" like...a rebound baby. Hmmm. But that's not the point. The point is that the Best Actress curse resurfaced in the news. And to look back over this, I'd say this year's contenders should probably make their men sign some sort of contract along the lines of "If I win, you'll still love me." Or whatever. The list of other Best Actress winners who have lost the lovers within days, weeks, or months of winning? Long. Sandra Bullock, Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Helen Hunt, Julia Roberts. Gweneth Paltrow.

Yikes.

So, what's the deal - did all of these chicks decide to bring the Gold Man to bed with them afterward? Maybe. Only Gweneth Paltrow (with Ben Affleck at the time) was hooked up with a man who's star power was anywhere near the same level. Chad Lowe, Hank Azaria, Jesse James, Benjamin Bratt, anyone? Didn't think so.


#5 - Canalooney still exists

 Man, this chick really locked it down. I mean, she's spent more than a year as George Clooney's main piece (a record as far as the rest of the world is concerned). She's survived Jennifer-Bashing, survived rumours that she was issuing marriage ultimatums and threatening to get knocked up. She survived stealing the light from Clooney's eyes. I guess girlfriend is here to stay.

To her credit, she does have an INSANE body. Ridiculous legs, abs to die for - a tan that I envy the daylights out of. Seriously. As of today, it's been 11 weeks since I've locked myself down in a "Sun Coffin" and it's about all I can do to keep myself from bolting for the door and making a rush on my favorite Death by UV Palace. The lily white thighs, the pale, pink face. It's killing me. But I digress. I felt pretty damn clever when I coined the Canalooney moniker, half thinking I would end up causing their demise by virtue of my singular cleverness. It sounded like something you could order up at an Olive Garden. But back to Our Lady of the Manly Face. Some gossip sites have suggested that George has a latent Cindy Crawford hangup. Apparently Canalooney vacation with the Crawfords fairly regularly...and, as a few have pointed out, Elisabetta does look strikingly like Cindy herself. Interesting.

Ya know - cruising through pictures of these two reminds me of the fact that I have never really gotten on board with any George Clooney fantasies. Never imagined Sexy Times with George. Never held him up as a paragon of sex appeal. He's charming enough. Handsome enough. Likeable. But I just don't get any...tingly feelings for the guy. But anyway - 2010 came and went and Canalooney persists yet. Color me shocked.

#4 - Heidi Montag stayed upright. Also, she has scars.

This was a big year for Heidi. She was nip-tucked into oblivion and then mocked and ridiculed to a degree I've seen few "celebrities" mocked and ridiculed. She went through a "possibly/maybe/huh?" separation then reconciliation with her crazy-ugly faux husband. Her cosmetic surgeon died. Her show ended. Oh -- and all of those surgeries she underwent at the beginning of the year? They left scars. And caused pain. And took awhile to heal.

I dunno, I can't help it, I don't hate this girl (much the way I don't hate Ke$ha. It's inexplicable). She's what happens when supremely insecure women land themselves enough money and come up enough short on common sense that they think they can actually cure their self-esteem issues with cosmetic procedures, then discover it takes longer to heal than they expect, and before they know it, their reality-show husbands have to help them pull down their daisy dukes to pee. Yep.

She aligned herself with a sociopathic egotist who managed to make her feel worthless enough she actually thought she deserved to stay with him. She went broke. She sold her story to tabloids and staged fake breakups to snag a little cash. It's like everything that could possibly go wrong for an unexpected "reality starlet" went wrong for this girl. And somehow, bless her, she keeps turning up to photo ops in tiny dresses with a smile on her face. Like it hasn't all entirely sunk in yet. Bless little Heidi's heart - she's just too dumb to hate.

#3 - Miley Cyrus is tacky, has nice legs

Because really, what else can we say about this kid? She's a twit with freaky teeth, a great 18 year-old bod, the common sense of a mic stand, the net worth of a minor oil-producing nation and parents who are so afraid of losing their grip on her fortune they'll let her do anything. It's one thing to see photographs of a 17 year-old girl wandering around a parking lot in a see-through white t-shirt and no bra. It's another thing to see her doing the same thing while walking arm in arm with her mom (while her little sister who's all of what - 8? - tags along with her own bra sticking proudly out the top of her tank top. seriously).

This year we were treated to about a dozen different "Miley on stage in underwear equivalent" performances. We were treated to "Miley turns 18!!!" news. Interestingly, it was bigger news when the Olsen twins turned 18 a handful of years ago. Remember their pre-boho days when they were sort of cute, in a sort of elf-like way and a solid number of grown men would admit to harboring Olsen Twin Fantasies? I remember those days. So anyway - Miley turned 18. Dated some minor teen heartthrob (who's last name I constantly misspell so shall omit in this case), gushed about wanting to marry him, broke up with him, watched her parents marriage disintegrate amid rumours her mom was hooking up with Bret Michaels....and provided all sorts of gossip fodder with misadventures like, oh, having her cell phone stolen when said cell phone contained naked pictures of her.

Looks like she's attending the school of Kardashian.

We couldn't get away from Miley and her native American-inspired lanyard necklaces this year. Just like we couldn't get away from her hair extensions, veneers or vapid videos. Gossip-mongers speculated that she was headed for a major breakdown. So far she's only succeeded in being a major annoyance, but there's plenty of room in 2011.


#2 - Jennifer Aniston stayed single, boring

I'm sorry, I just can't come up with a darn thing to say about this woman. It's all been said. She was in every other gossip story and on the cover of every other magazine this year and, if you asked me to align myself with either Team Aniston or Team, uh, Jolie, I'd say, "I'm team Miley, please." Because it's that bad. I just can't. She was boring and vanilla in her heyday, she's boring and vanilla in her now desperate-single-woman-with-womb-on-self-destruct-countdown-mode era. I'm no fan of Brad Pitt -- that goes way back to the Legends of the Fall days when my sister and I would draw mocking little cartoons of his ridiculously asymmetrical nostrils to make ourselves giggle. I can't stand Angelina and her self-righteous smug face and army of children - she needs to eat and stop trying to pass herself off as being in her early 30's. But anyway.

Whether she was promoting a movie that bombed, promoting a perfume, promoting vitamin water, or promoting her ass in a bikini while on vacation, we couldn't escape her this year. Yawn. The tabloids are still running with the "She's in love with Brad" stories THIS many years later. People are still buying them or they wouldn't be cooking up these stupid stories. But love her or hate her, she was one of the least avoidable celebrities in gossip this year. For some reason. Still.

#1 - Natalie Portman's knocked up!

 That's about all there is to this story. She met the baby-daddy fiance while filming Black Swan (he's a hotshot ballet dancer with the New York Ballet), he's rumoured to be a social-climber who's using Natalie for fame, but since I love dear Nat to death and believe she's probably one of the smartest, most savvy celebrities out there, I choose to believe she's finally found a man she loves and is as excited to start a family together as a girl our age should be. I'm amused that the modern celebrity inclination toward shotgun weddings still exists - that they feel the need to announce their engagement and bun-in-the-oven on the same day, but hey - maybe Natalie's a traditional family sort of girl with traditional ideas about how she'll raise her family. Can't fault a girl - I'm that way, too. That is to say, if I found out I was knocked up, a good chunk of me would say, "I'm 30 years old, why not?" and the other part would say, "so, Mr Wonderful, let's get hitched and make this official." Here's to their inevitably good-looking, talented, svelte kid and their happily-ever-afterness.


And with that, I'll leave you looking forward to the last of this year's countdowns: coming up next....


My top 10 wishes for YOU in the new year. 


Stay tuned!