I spend an inordinate amount of time trolling gossip websites keeping up with the stupid antics of overpaid, famous people. It's fun. It makes me feel balanced and wise and cultured and practical by comparison. I also get an inordinate amount of glee from seeing overpaid, famous people and their fantastically fit bodies fumble horribly on the red carpet. With all of that money and all of those fabulously thin arms, how can you go wrong?????
Holy goodness, there are some epic fails. Epic.
HOWEVER, since there are too many pictures of Rihanna cavorting in items not intended for use as clothing, and too many pictures of Juliette Lewis wearing things made of PVC and too many pictures of the Kardashians sporting shrink wrap masquerading as Herve Leger, I thought I'd tackle my ten least favorite red carpet looks from Stars Who Should Know Better. Meaning, "you don't usually look that awful - what happened to your better judgment?" Also meaning, "Heavens. If I were built like you, I wouldn't inflict THAT dress upon my glorious figure."
Here we go (also in no particular order. Except for maybe #1).
#10 - Jennifer Connelly
This whole "napkin as coat" routine is my first beef. And since it neither keeps her warm nor adds anything to the outfit, I have to wonder if it wasn't a last-minute, out-the-door attempt to cover up the Flinstones on Acid print of what's cowering underneath. And I'm never a fan of severe, slicked-back-ponytails, but find them particularly loathsome when there's nothing else PRETTY about the outfit. It's the Hilary Swank syndrome - the "let's take my hair out of the equation and let the bald-faced hideousness of my outfit do the talking." This is particularly tragic because I think there are few women more beautiful than Ms Connelly and to see a perfect face and dazzling legs eaten alive by Mortal Kombat Meets Tablecloth getup pains me. What would I change? Everything but the shoes.
I'll recognize the irony in the fact that what drives me the most nuts about this brocade suit monstrosity is the SHOES. I mean, we're covered in head-to-toe with budget "formal living room" upholstery that evokes King Tut and what bothers me more than anything is the dated heaviness of pointy-toed pumps? I look at this (with its tasseled blouse and over-sized shoulder pads) and think, "ooh, wish she'd done strappy sandal?!" Odd reaction, I'll admit. But Halle - you're hiding everything that's wonderful about yourself underneath metallic gold "that's not meant to be folded or bent" vulcanized rubber clothes. Here's what I'd change: I'd nix the matching jacket (I don't like matching....even bikini tops and bottoms - mix it up). I'd swap the cleavage-tastic blouse "thing" for a black, ballet-neck sweater and I'd add barely-there strappy heels. Done. Less smothering. Maybe a single-strand, belly-button skimming necklace or some dainty chandelier earrings.
There was a disturbingly Early Days of Star Trek trend this summer that involved exaggerated shoulders and cinched, cropped waistlines. Malin is a lovely girl with INSANE legs and, unfortunately, a propensity to completely obliterate everything lovely about her svelte physique underneath ill-advised stretch pants and ugly tops. This is no exception. She should know better. Less is more. Body-skimming = good. Ouch-how-did-she-squeeze-into-those-and-what-happens-if-she-needs-to-pee = less good. Slim-leg pants and dainty heels = good. Shoes that evoke cloven hooves = bad. Neutral tops in interesting textures = good. Bi-layer mullet blouses with Romulan sleeves = not good. And the eye makeup....just....NO. I'd change everything about the top - slice off those awkward sleeves, extend the hem to mid-thigh and toss a smart, well-tailored blazer over the top. THAT would work. In that case, I'd even let the cloven hooves remain.
This notorious "two-faced" dress was one of the most-maligned red carpet looks of the year. Making matters worse: frumpy shoes and HORRIBLY fried-looking hair. She's a gorgeous woman with skin like a goddess. She's gracefully glamourous. Stunning. But please, Ms Moore - not even a pedicure before the red carpet? THAT's what I'd change. If you're gonna go with smashed bed hair and a horrible Create-Your-Own-Adventure dress, at least PAINT YER TOES.
I'm on the fence about last summer's menswear trend. Rachel Bilson attempted a tuxedo-inspired, harem-pant jumpsuit that she actually pulled off with reasonable aplomb. Yes, aplomb. Tina Fey attempted something similar and looked like she'd been kidnapped by fashion. The clothes wore her. And here's Mrs Keith Urban wearing something that vaguely evokes Gweneth Paltrow and manages to make this tall, pin-thin, modelesque mama look, um, eaten alive. Like, she's trapped inside a piano. And the piano has succeeded in gobbling up most of her hands and is moving on to her neck. And the shoes are going to join in the feast if they have anything to say about it. The only things not being eaten are those miles of legs, and, in this case, I sort of wish they were. Being eaten, that is. By more fabric. Because miles of very fair-skinned legs reminds me of awkwardly coltish thirteen year-olds trying to be sexy in the dead of winter. Basically. I'd add four inches to the hem, roll up the sleeves, tidy up her hair and put her in basic almond-toe pumps. With perhaps a kicky penny-loafer-ish tassel detail as a menswear wink/nod that looks less oppressive.
Oh my. The top half suggests an In n Out Burger uniform. The bottom screams "Kindergarten teacher circa 1991." The fact that the pattern (embroidery?) seems to be a combination of Mud Flap Naked Lady on top and Bouquet of Christmas Tree down below has me confused. The "Are we flip-flops or are we platform pumps" shoe is confusing. The greasy hair does her no favors. The Sleeves. Oh dear Lord, The Sleeves. And all of this with a rather staid (though I imagine Chanel) bag dangling in a rather depressed, lackluster, after-thought-like way makes me feel sad. And anemic. I'm just confused. What part of the "I have an awards show to attend, what would look smashing?" question is answered with "Truck Stop Diner Twinset?" What part? I'd change everything. Shoes first. Everything else should have been burned.
We all know Jessica Biel can't dress herself. And whomever she consults for professional opinions on this sort of thing is desperately ill-qualified. And I don't demand red carpet perfection, just red carpet PRACTICALITY. This has neither. It does, however, have both that "napkin as outerwear" sort of vibe and "I couldn't decide which to wear so I wore both" vibe that irked me in both Jennifer Connelly and Julianne Moore's respective mishaps. It also has the "what's going on with those sleeves?" problem that both Malin and Keira tried to pull off. But it's not brocade and it's not a tuxedo and it looks sort of ....comfortable, so I guess that's okay. And her shoes are great, so she gets points there. But -- bottom line -- this is just UGLY. And a girl with an amazing body shouldn't be tented in a winter white bedsheet with limp hair and a single Alexander the Great sleeve looking like it could fill with enough air to lift her right off the ground.
I feel a sort of kinship toward this girl. Mostly having to do with the fact that we're both fair-skinned girls who don't quite look our age, have sweet little adolescent faces and are well-suited to twee little pixie cuts. And she looks like my sister. HOWEVER - neither Michelle nor my sister nor myself are twelve years old (regardless of what the random lady in that Target store may have insinuated about me last Christmas season while hoping to gain gift tips for her thirteen year-old granddaughter). Therefore, glitter and ruffles and bows don't suit us. Neither does this particular shade of hair. BUT, if you're finally at your much-anticipated movie's American premier, and said film is in the middle of a heated appeal before the MPAA ratings board AND you're set to appear along inexplicable heartthrob Ryan Gosling (*cough - Breaker High - cough*), don't you want to look every inch the tantalizing, pocket-sized vixen you know you've got it in your arsenal to be????????? Don't you???????? Apparently not. Okay, then - we could make this more manageable by removing the giant BOW at our waist. Please. At least that.
This is actually NOT Michelle Williams from above, as much as the hair and age-inappropriate dress might suggest. This is actually normally a very pretty, very stylish girl with a free-spirited sense of fashion (though an unfortunate propensity for awkward mid-calf length skirts) and a very promising career. What with that sexy low voice and cute accent and what not. She's adorable. And she's doing her best to convince us otherwise in this My Little Pony-colored dress with those horrific black tights and shoes. All other things considered, the most grievous offense here is the color. So, if this were red, or cream, or navy or even bright, lime, neon green, I wouldn't be so off-put. This is a cheap color. An ugly color. A color that's waging a fierce competition against her brown eyes and fawn-colored eye makeup. Change: the color. It's hideous, either way, but the color.....makes my teeth hurt.
And again with the menswear. And the Dynasty Shoulders. And the "is-that-or-isn't-that-a-slice-of-nipple?" neckline. And the slicked back hair. And the harem pants. I saw a diagram once that was a "definitive guide to harem pants." Sort of a flow chart. Question number one: Are you, right at this moment, in a harem?" If you answered no, you immediately proceeded to the "then you should NOT be wearing harem pants." Clever, cute little diagram. I suspect Blake "The Legs" Lively is not in a harem. I suspect she's surrounded by a bunch of comic book geeks who are definitely hoping that IS a slice of nipple. Sigh. If I was in possession of the magnificent rack, magnificent pair of legs and magnificent head of hair that Blake here possesses, I cannot foresee wanting to do everything within my power to obscure all of the above. Because even the rack looks squashed and bad here. What would I change? Oh dear. Um.....let's say I was tossed into a closet with Blake right before she was set to wander out onto the ComicCon floor and told "Fix it! In five minutes or less!" In that case, I think I would yank out the ponytail, ditch the belt, desperately hope there was some shirt to UN-tuck hidden under the waist of those harem pants, pray that the belt isn't the only thing holding them up, and then tear off the football jersey sleeves attached to her shoulders. In that case, you've got boob-tastic white halter (which is unabashedly tacky, but hey, we've only got 5 minutes here), some shiny pants, and a lot of tousled blonde hair. Come on, Blake - as the new face of Chanel (and love child of Lagerfeld and Anna Wintour), YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. This is not high fashion. This just gives me the giggles.
Ta-da!
Next countdown will be a surprise............for now, enjoy.
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