Second: Everyone broke up this year. 2010 was the Year of the Split. Er, everyone except Brangelina and Cannalooney, but I don't give a flying pop tart about either of those couples, so we'll continue with the idea of "everyone" broke up and play a little matchmaker. Hey, it's better than playing a round of "who would you rather?" with just about, oh ANY of the gentlemen on this list.
At last count (and I ignored anyone related to The Bachelor in any way, because those were never REAL relationships as far as I'm concerned. You know - REAL relationships like Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson. Bwuahahahah), we had at least 33 couples call it quits this year, with varying degrees of overexposure and mud-slinging.
I thought it might be fun to troll this list and find a few broken-hearted souls who might do each other good. Here are my picks for "Best Should-Be Couples Who Should Rise From The 2011 Break-Up Wreckage."
10 - Ryan Reynolds + Christina Aguilera
Yep. Here's my rationale: I love Christina, so of course I'd try to pair her up with someone I also love (but this list is sorely lacking in that regard). Therefore, I'll give a nod to the fact that I don't think she's worked her "I'm single and feel like parading a new man piece through town" phase out of her system. So, as long as she wants arm candy, may as well take Ryan here along for the ride - he's done blondes before and he's done singers - so she should be right up his alley. Plus, I think Ryan prefers the girls wear the pants in the relationships anyway.
9 - Sandra Bullock + Naveen Andrews
I think this is a power-match. Yep. Sandra's beloved, Naveen broke up with Barbara Hershey after a handful of years of togetherness (and apparently ran off and knocked up some bit on the side immediately following, so, fine, the cad vibe in this one is strong, but, hey, it gives him a little edge....maybe? we'll ignore cad vibe for now), he's probably looking for someone likewise classy, established, maybe just a little younger. Who's had a little less work done to her face. Who can bring him up a notch or two in Pop Culture value and maybe land him the part on SVU that Christopher Meloni is vacating. That's what I'm angling for, anyway. Because he actually had pretty good chemistry with Mariska Hargitay. But that's neither here nor there. Anyway - he's definitely no neo-nazi, bimbo-banging pathological cheater (that we're aware of yet).
8 - Eva Longoria + Scarlett Johansson
They'd look so pretty posing together on red carpets. They could go shopping together, appear on Maxim covers together, go to the gym together.....after watching them together, everyone will wish THEY'D thought of the idea themselves, too. It's believable. Eva's distrustful of men after hers ran around on her. Scarlett is young and bored and hot. They could make it work.
7 - Michael C Hall + Charlize Theron
I was bummed to hear Hall had split with Jennifer Carpenter. Something about ditching the woman who stayed by your side while you battled cancer amid rumours that you'd hooked up with Julia Stiles on the side seems chilly at best. HOWEVER - it's also possible that battling cancer gives you a certain amount of clarity about who you really want to grow old alongside. So Mikey, pick someone a little more classy than Julia Stiles. I mean, she's fine.....there's just no PIZAZZ there, is all. I find this guy ookey to look at, but Charlize has shown a propensity toward ookey-looking guys (she just split with Stuart Townsend this year), so maybe ookey-looking but gainfully employed would wow her. I think gossip-mongers would drool all over that hookup.
6 - Emmy Rossum + Shia LeBeouf
This is basically just a high-five to a couple of pretty people. I love Emmy, she's stylish and stunning and has great hair. And I'll always be a little bit of a sucker for the LeBeouf. So, since I'm bummed he's done with The Mulligan, I can probably be placated by matching him up with someone cute and inoffensive who has pretty skin and pretty hair and looks great underwater while swimming aboard sinking ocean liners. She does.
5 - Rachel Weisz + Sam Mendes
As I write this it occurs to me that these two actually may have already been MARRIED to one another at some point, years ago. In fact, I vaguely remember he left her to be with Kate Winslet (who he split with this year). Meh - that might be why I think these guys would work. She logged a handful of years with Darren Aronofsky, so presumably she likes the interesting, creative types with some buried secrets. Mendes seems like a little more of an open book, but hey, maybe they could collaborate on some sort of project that would net the both of them some more academy award nominations, since it looks like her break-up jump-off Daniel Craig hasn't officially panned out.
4 - Carey Mulligan + Ben Harper
So, Ben Harper filed for divorce from Laura Dern this year. But then he may or may not have retracted that and they may or may not be reconciling - so, this is an "in case they're not back together" match-up. Carey strikes me as a funky sort of Brit. And Ben Harper, he's pretty funky, too. And even though I'm a fan of Shia, Carey needs a "real man." Shia's a man-child. I don't know specifically where Ben Harper falls on the "real man" spectrum, but hey, he's a good-lookin, artistic dude. Carey needs good-lookin, artistic dudes. And if Laura Dern is any indication, seems Ben likes down-to-earth, sweet little blondes.
3 - Rachel Bilson + Mark-Paul Gosselaar
Heh, heh, heh. They can swap old war stories about what it's like to try to forge a respectable career out of the ashes of long since-cancelled cult classic teen television shows. Mark Paul (hmmm - do you suppose he lets a girl just call him Mark once you get to know him a bit? Or is it a case of "hey, Mark Paul, please pass the gravy." Or "Oooh, Mark Paul, that feels good...." or "You're sleepin on the couch t'nite, MARK PAUL!") split with his cougar-esque wife of 14 years earlier this year. Rachel Bilson didn't quite close the deal with that What's-His-Name-Life-As-A-House-Skywalker-Kid. These two probably have plenty in common. They want to be taken seriously as something other than Zach and Summer. Oooh, even their characters' names sound like they belong together.
2 - Ryan Phillipe + Blake Lively
2 - Ryan Phillipe + Blake Lively
This one was a gimme. I can't stand either of these idiots. But he likes up-and-coming blonde starlets. She likes anyone who will get her more attention and one step closer to either Brad Pitt or George Clooney and therefore total world domination. But they deserve each other, they're both so whiney-faced. Yes, whiney-faced.
1 - Zac Efron + Miley Cyrus
1 - Zac Efron + Miley Cyrus
I was sort of bummed when Vanessa Hudgens and The Efron split up. I sort of thought they would make it work for at least the next 30 years until they pulled a Robbins/Sarandon and shocked the socks off of America. Not that they're anywhere up there in the talent sense (wait, whatever, Vanessa is totally the next Susan). But back to Miley and Zac. She's been smart enough to steer clear of anyone who appeared in The Hills (or any of its precursors) and she seems to like bland, vanilla-faced girlie-men with precisely styled hair. Enter The Efron. He's pretty at heart, but he's trying to look like he doesn't care and is slummin it. Ditto Miley - she's trying to look all Beverly Hills Boho with nasty ripped up denim shorts and furry boots. But both of them are divas trying to pull a quick one on us. There's nothing low maintenance about these fools. Therefore, they can hook up and have pretty parties. Sit around styling each other's hair and plucking each other's eyebrows and comparing skin care routines. Perfect.
Oh - and in case you were wondering, here's my rundown of this year's splits:
THE BREAKUPS
Eva Longoria/Tony Parker
Scarlett Johannson/Ryan Reynolds
Michael C Hall/Jennifer Carpenter
Courteney Cox/David Arquette
Kelsey/Camille Grammer
Billy Ray/Tish Cyrus
Emmy Rossum/Adam Duritz
Rachel Weisz/Darren Aronofsky
Randy/Elizabeth Travis
Carey Mulligan/Shia Lebeouf
Ben Harper/Laura Dern
Nancy Wilson/Cameron Crowe
Elizabeth Moss/Fred Armisen
Rachel Bilson/Hayden Christenson
Al/Tipper Gore
George/Ann Lopez
Tiger/Elin Woods
Barbara Hershey/Naveen Andrews
Jim Carrey/Jenny McCarthy
James Van Der Beek/Heather Ann McComb
Mark-Paul Gosselaar/Lisa Ann Russel
Ryan Phillipe/Abbie Cornish
Blake Lively/Penn Badgley
Zac Efron/Vanessa Hudgens
Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth
Melissa Etheridge/Tammy Lynn Michaels
Kate Winslet/Sam Mendes
Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend
Christina Aguilera/Jordan Bratman
AnnaLynne McChord/Kellan Lutz
Evan Rachel Wood/Marilyn Manson
Jennifer Love Hewitt/Everybody
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