For once: Megan Fox loses

Let's be honest - there are a handful of people, places and things that I will always flat love and for which I will eternally, shamelessly shill, no matter how out-dated, tacky, predictable or overexposed those people, places and things become. On that list: Chicago songs from the early 80's. Pink champagne. These. Sour candy. Weekdays beginning with "S." Celebrity gossip. This place. Cheap Machine brand jeans. Garlic fries. The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack. Songs sung by this guy. The Gloria Ferrer patio. Banana flavored chapstick. Megan Fox.

Soooooooo...as readable as I'm sure conversations about Saturdays or chapstick or patios would absolutely be, I'd rather take the easy road today. The Megan Fox road. Which is not to necessarily say that Megan Fox is easy, since I have no real idea. But easier to yak meaninglessly about (and gee, probably marginally more interesting to others) than my tube of Green by Nature, 100% paraben-free, Banana Shea lip butter...incidentally, however (or, tangentially, take your pick) I'm the only person I know that actually enjoys that artificial "essence of banana." Hate real bananas, love fake banana scent. And banana bread. And banana popsicles. Those things are damn fantastic. And you can ask me about that time as a 3 year-old that I smeared an entire tube of mostly melted banana lip gunk all over my face to be able to lick it back off and I'll say, "yep, I did that. one of my earliest memories."

So, Megan Fox.

On the 1 to 10 scale of "people I really, really, really, really wish I'd been born looking like," Megan's a 12.6. Maybe a 13. Her hair and eyebrows alone would register a solid 8 even if the rest of her parts tended more toward Jessica Simpson. But, as those other parts (like perfect lips, dramatic chin, teeny tiny waist and excellently proportioned rack) are actually totally enviable as well, she's left the "wish I looked like that" competition in the dust. Other contenders for top spot on The List: Kate Beckinsale, Delta Goodrem, Emmy Rossum, Jennifer Connelly.

That said: Audrina Patridge knocked the panties off of Megan's sort of boring Armani campaign with these Maxim shots. Did Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott forget that Megan's got the greatest hair in Hollywood? And, fine, so Armani has its steadfast, sort of dependably stalwart fashion reputation to defend, but frankly, David Beckham's spread-eagle man-brief debut smoldered (yeah, I know that's a painfully geeky romance novel word, "smolder") considerably more than Megan "sitting in a white dress shirt." No new ground covered with the photos. It was sort of "here's Megan Fox. You know her, right? The Transformers girl? Yeah, here are Some Pictures Of Her. One even features a raised arm." I think I was expecting "THAT'S Megan Fox? Really? WOW. And I thought she was hot before." Hate to say it, but Victoria Beckham preceeded her with a much more distinct WOW factor. Actually, correction, I don't hate to say it, because I have a soft spot for Posh, as well. Watch her in an interview (where she speaks instead of glowers) and her infectious little giggle will win you over - promise.

On the other hand - good old famous-for-nothing "The Hills" alum Audrina Patridge sits on top of a washing machine in a boring pair of bikinis (the type I purged from the lingerie drawer just this month...hmmmmm....), shoves cake in her face and looks nine times as sexy. I'd much rather do laundry and eat cake with the girl in the boring bikinis than lounge around in a charcoal-colored purgatory with Smokin Megan.

Sorry Megan, for once, you lose. Next time: more hair! fewer khaki pants! Ditch the weird Train Conductor striped vest. Go with flowered Hanes and a...dishwasher or something. Actually - that's hot. Plays up the sort of "boring housewife" motif in an unexpected way. Quick, get me in touch with those Armani marketing people - STAT. Everyone would prefer to see Megan leaning over the bottom rack to load up last night's dinner plates.

Genius...