(Side trip: yep, Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 90 days, er IF she doesn't OD on whatever horse tranquilizer she's 'legally' hooked on before she checks into the clink. Yes, her mother is in denial about why incarceration is necessary. Yes, her father partied last night after the sentencing and told TMZ he was going to call her from the bar and make her jealous. Also, yes, The Rock shaved his head and I approve. Enough of that, on to fluffier fluff):
So, I'm horribly behind the times (or, at least seven seasons behind the times) but on an ill-advised Netflix streaming gamble decided to start watching The Hills. From the very first episode.
Wow.
Oops, I mean, "Like, wow."
Really. They, like, totally get it.
1 - There is no crisis that cannot be fixed by the words "Let's Go Out Tonight!"
2 - The best way to get accepted into a very choosy design school is to admit you have no interest in working hard and that you want to work "like, in the party industry."
3 - If that choosy design school does (against all human logic) admit you, tt's not a big deal to ditch out on that choosy design school after only one class. What? You were totally, like, late and didn't want to piss of the instructor, so it's better to, like, find a new career path.
4 - In an interview when a prospective (red letter!) employer asks you why they should hire you, it's probably best to chomp your gum and stare at them like they're jeans from JC Penny - they'll be impressed by that. They'll find you dependable, trustworthy, hardworking, a good risk.
5 - It's totally possible to rent an apartment, drive a BMW and wear a different pair of jeans every day if you're just lucky enough to snag a clerical job that pays minimum wage.
6 - It's also totally possible to get ready for an interview, drive across LA and make it to the interviewer's office looking fresh and pretty in just 20 minutes!
7 - Like, the first question out of your mouth when you meet like, a totally hot guy, should definitely be, like, "So how long have you lived in LA?" Because, like, if you've lived here longer, you totally get to act like, "oh, I'm totally an expert at this place - I know this hot club called "Area," where all those guys from that show 'Laguna Beach' hang out - it's rad."
8 - All of that cash you have left over from your minimum wage job is best spent on full foils and facials at every opportunity. Because it makes you look hot. And then you'll be able to score a douche to kiss on New Year's Eve.
9 - Hanging up on douches is the best way to make sure they call back.
10 - If you're dizzy and nauseaus in the morning, it's totally not because you're hungover from last night's awesome birthday bash at Area. It's because you're pregnant. Ha - wait! Like, just kidding! Wasn't that funny when you let your boyfriend think you were, as a JOKE? And he had to think fast and act like, "I'm cool with whatever you decide," but you knew he was totally about to puke all over the inside of his fancy Audi???
11 - If you haven't spent all of your leftover money on spa pedictures and expensive waxing, you'll have plenty left to buy your girlfriend a Chanel purse for Christmas!
12 - The best way to heal a broken heart (aside from, you know, "going out tonight!") is a new car. Mercedes fixes boy problems.
13 - Pinkberry: that word never gets old.
14 - If you're totally, like, VAPID, and whine a lot, and run off to the bathroom to cry when you don't get your way at work: PROMOTION! It'll happen like, OVERNIGHT!
15 - It's a great idea to rent a 5000sqft summer vacation home on your internship/minimum wage job along with your not discernibly employed boyfriend. Oops, like, I just said discernibly!
16 - If you, like, ever have to "schedule" time with your best friend, that means you've absolutely chosen your boyfriend over your bestie, and you are WAY out of line. Like, so far out of line your friend will totally start hanging out with your former ARCH ENEMY, and everyone will be like, "welll, she WAS there for her when you were off with the tool."
17 - If your friends hate your boyfriend, it's just because they "don't see the way he looks at you behind closed doors." And so what if the "way" he looks at you is with a sort of smirky, gape-mouthed grin at all times, like he's got something wedged between his back teeth. That's his look of love.
18 - A birthday is a great excuse to do abso-flipping-lutely ANYTHING you want. You can be mean to your friends, you can sleep with their boyfriends behind their backs - ANYTHING. It's so cool - it's like, YOUR BIRTHDAY. Total free pass to be as vile as possible. BIRTHDAY!
19 - Buying your friends diamonds for their birthday, however, not necessarily like the immunity idol in terms of protecting yourself against their free pass. They'll still sleep with your sorta boyfriend even if you gave them diamonds.
20 - You don't have to be legal to drink in bars. You just need a camera crew!
There ya have it. Go live long and prosper. I'll update this with more "words to live by" once I've torn through the rest of the seasons. Right now, Spencer is still a new addition to the cast of hacks. Can't wait til Heidi Surgery, Round 1 takes place. She's a cute girl in the early days. Looks great with smoky eye makeup. Has good bone structure. Looks a little like a young Bridget Fonda. Too bad that doesn't last.
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