You ready to laugh until you cry? WATCH. THIS. NOW.

I haven't giggled this hard in ages.

Could hardly keep my eyes open.

Tears. That's how hard I giggled.

This is very difficult to conceal while watching the video at work using headphones. And equally difficult to explain in a sentence or less to whomever popped their head over the cubicle wall wondering why Heather was making weird snorting sounds and crying.
In a word - and I'm not kidding: An Anti-Kissing video of the 80's Evangelical Pursuasion, Edited For Maximum OOKINESS.

There's a poor-man's David Hasselhoff feeding his daughter fantastic anti-kiss propeganda in this absolutely, almost indescribeably lecherous way. There are some Saved By The Bell-type Pro-Kissing hooligans that get to squint and lurk and oogle our good little Lip Lock Virgin ("She's sweet sixteen and never been kissed....mmmm") while trying to entice her to SIN.

There's an ominous piano soundtrack that harkens back to the "Life Lesson" section of every Full House episode....you know, the part where Danny or Jesse or Joey would come in and sit at the foot of DJ's bed and tell her that whatever she did in this week's episode was wrong, but they still love her and still hope she grows up and finds true love with a Canadian hockey star. That sort of piano music.

But this is pure cinematic gold.

At 0:56 one of the Kissing Goons leans in to Force Our Non-Kissing Heroine Into SIN, but she runs far, far away from that guy, through the snow, back home, back to creepy rubber-lipped daddy (next to whom she sits just a LITTLE too closely on the couch), leaving our Kissing Goon out in the cold, rolling his eyes in the only believable moment in the entire clip.

It's magic.

Then there's this side bit where her obviously morally loose Pro-Kissing Friend gets forced to, "ummmm, you know," by her boyfriend. The best part: they don't come right out and say exactly what "ummm, you know" is, precisely; our little evangelical brains are stuck taking ominous cues from the soundtrack, because, obviously, if kissing is *SUPER TABOO* it stands to reason good little church kids' heads would promptly explode if someone uttered the word "sex." Except in this clip, they'd probably say, "made love."

BUT, then they'd be putting ideas in our heads. Best to discourage kids from "giving their love away" by kissing, best not let them know such a thing as "ummmm, you know" is even possible until you've landed obliviously in your marriage bed or we'd all want to run off and try it. Except, not so much, because this video did such a great job of showing us that "making out" leads to, 'ummmmm, you know" against your will, ladies. Because "If we really loved the guy, we'd, 'ummmmm you know' to take it to the next level."

Maybe they're on to something here.

I mean, once upon a time I got kissed, too. Er, I mean - Gave My Love Away. That lead down the slippery slope from which there is no return. Eventually - ooh, "making out." I guess that's pretty much the same as grinding on a stripper pole for my lunch money in terms of this video clip. So, after that, eventually -- it's true -- I, "ummmmm, you know." So probably, if I'd put off that Kissing SIN and held onto my "love" until my wedding, I'd have been saved a world of inconvenience. HOWEVER, if the pressing of lips is tantamount to forking over your soul, I wonder where holding hands or exhanging hugs falls in that continuum? If holding hands is the new....spooning, in that case, let's call hugging the, uh, dry-humping of the Non-Kissing spectrum. One of those things your parents probably wouldn't technically approve of you doing, but hey, you won't get knocked up.....but we won't tell our Non-Kissing Heroine about that...

The happy ending in our little story is that our very kiss-free babe finds a Non-Kissing Husband with whom she shares that wedding day smooch (and how do we know he's on the side of Jesus? We know because he has a nice, conservative bowl cut instead of Kissing Goon Mullet). Non-Kissing Man confesses to Poor Man's David Hasselhoff that The Lord told him to go find a Non-Kissing Woman to marry. Probably easier that way. Then neither of you will have much idea if the other is very good at the kissing. Neither of you will be necessarily disappointed, because there's no competition. Blank slate. Very nice.

But I'm being much too literal about this.

Bottom line - this entire vignette made my day.

Haven't gotten such a kick out of kitsch in ages and ages and ages.

Not since I first watched the SNL "Natalie Raps" bit.