Okay, so, it flies in the face of "Relevant Blogger Standards," BUT, I'm totally filleting traditional expectations and am NOT dedicating this sudden reemergence to The Hunger Games (though I *did* get a huge, evil CACKLE out of reading THIS story suggesting that Her Majesty The Dragon Lady (Angelina) has her panties (does she wear them?) in a jealous twist over Brad's apparent "obsession" with Jennifer Lawrence).
That was pretty hilarious.
Because Jennifer Lawrence is lovely and fresh-faced with a terrific, healthy-looking figure and a remarkably self-aware outlook, and I *highly* doubt that Ol' Senor BillyGoat (Brad) has enough sense left in him to be attracted to someone young enough to be his daughter. Put another way: when you're wired to want to sink your teeth into Dragon Lady's gristly, sun-eshewing sinew on the regular, I doubt you have it in you to get it up for something healthy and sun-kissed and baby-faced and pro-food.
And when the story says Angie's livid, I immediately call that source's bluff. Dragon Lady doesn't get livid -- she gets....pointed. Withering. She rolls her eyes and goes back to sucking the life blood out of sacrificial sheep or whatever she uses for sustenance these days.
Okay, okay. SO - since I wasn't going to dedicate this to Hunger Games, what on earth was I gonna yap about?
I was thinking I might do something "In Defense of Lana Del Rey" since the entire webernet seems to hate her for some reason, when her album is really, actually, an almost insanely, criminally, ridiculously fun guilty pleasure.
But then I thought, "nah -- how boring is that? take a 3-month Blog-Vacation (blogcation?) and pop up again just to review some CD that's been out for months? That's weak."
Okay, yep, sort of weak. My next thought was, "Just unleash that angry, political rant you've been working on for a few weeks -- come out of the Republican Closet and rail against the inability of the GOP to come up with anyone a younger generation of conservatives have any respect for...."
But then those thoughts were derailed with the thought that coming back Red and Angry after such a hiatus would just alienate me and make it seem like I'd gone away to "Conservative Summer Camp" or something and come back with An Agenda and that would just make me seem chilly and strange and fundamentalist (which is pretty close to the truth), but also, frankly, a little off-putting.
Next thought was, "just make a lot of Really Obvious Pinterest Jokes" about Cute Outfits (!!!) and smoothie-making and turning your old discarded cottage cheese containers into beautiful DIY art installation pieces for your walls -- or turning old shampoo bottles into beautiful fire hazard-ish pendant lights -- ooh!
But, uh, that was about all I could come up with there.
I will say, however, that thanks to Pinterest I've made some mighty delicious homemade peanut butter cups, some strange Italian Parmesan Sandwich-THINGS out of eggroll wrappers, and some delightful frozen yogurt bites.
I've also purchased bright red pants and grey skinny jeans (oooh, ahh) and re-considered the (perhaps) indelible merits of denim vests -- all perfectly noble endeavors.
But, yeah -- that's not really enough to warrant more than a paragraph or two. Because it felt a little stale and re-hashed. Because, sure, girls our age apparently love to share pictures of wedding dresses and inspirational (tho mostly borderline "thinspo") pictures of girls with great abs and picture tutorials involving re-purposed antique picture frame/cake stand/hubcab thingies that, when spray painted, make great places to store our makeup and de-clutter our bathroom counters (right?????).
I thought about tossing up a photo collage of Megan Fox's face since 2004 and then DARING to suggest that it's her eyebrows and yo-you weight that makes her face look so dramatically different, not necessarily a ton of cosmetic surgery. Definitely a nose job, but mostly just dramatic eyebrow enhancements.
Because I've discovered that nothing makes gossip bloggers scream "SHE TWEAKED HER FACE!" more quickly than someone changing the shape of their brows. Ask Kate Winslet.
But I thought that dedicating an entire post to Megan Fox's Face just seemed outdated, irrelevant, and "done to death."
So there we have it. Rather than make up my mind, I rambled a little, called it good, and here you are: at the end. After a 3-month vacation, we're a little rusty.
I'll get back in the swing of things.
Probably with an angry political post that has something to do with copying Whole Foods' Chicken Salad while listening to Lana Del Rey after going to see The Hunger Games.
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