So, if you write abhorrently bad, soft core BDSM books for the mommy set, you get HUGE movie deals.

This post probably needs a disclaimer. 

Not quite what you think. Not along the "NSFW" lines, though I am prepared to be fairly frank. 

No, it needs a big "I can't be held responsible for the vitriol I'm about to spew," sort of disclaimer. Like, "Warning: 50 Shades of Crap."

It happens when I come in contact with Really Bad Writing that nets Really Big Dollars, the vitriol does. Maybe this should just become a site that examines book and movie deals and then decides if the pay is commensurate with quality. I'd never run out of material......

But anyway. 

Here's the scoop: this British lady, E L James: she had a massive lady boner for The Twilight Saga. She decides to write some "Adult Fan Fiction" based on Edward and Bella and creates an alternate universe in which the Edward character is a crazy-wealthy business tycoon who's into BDSM-type "kinkery," as I'll call it. He meets the young, virginal Bella character and draws her into his world of ropes and belts and canes. 

This was apparently SO very popular with the Twihard set that it became an entire series of eBooks (BUT, the characters' names were changed and became Christian and Anastasia.). The resulting eBook series was a huge (albeit slightly secret, guilty) hit with the ladies, and a small-ish Australian publisher picked it up for a small-ish initial print run. 

The books continued to be a runaway hit in print, it became nearly impossible to lay hands on a copy of the print version, and, BOOM, per the New York Times, earlier this month, "Vintage Books, part of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, known for its highbrow literary credentials, won a bidding war for the rights to all three books, paying a seven-figure sum."

If that wasn't enough: just today we're hearing: 

Universal Pictures and Focus Features announced this morning they have acquired film rights to the novel authored by TV executive and mother of two, E.L. James, with plans to create a trilogy out of the novel and its two sequels. “At its core, this is a romance of the most emotionally resonant, but delicate, order — and we look forward to working with our colleagues at Universal to transform E.L. James’ vision into a great film,” says Focus Features chief James Schamus. 

From Entertainment Weekly's "Inside Movies" blog

Even better: they've offered James a rumored $5 million for the rights to the film. 

So, if we're doing the math, this woman stands to make at least a million from the book deal, then another five million from the movie rights. 

Okay, the fact that that she's receiving a million from the publisher in an era of declining publishing revenues is a lot to swallow at face value, and it's further difficult to digest that this woman snagged more cash for the film rights than did JK Rowling for Harry Potter. According to the New York Times, publishing executives describe the excitement surrounding this book as similar to novels such as "The Da Vinci Code," "The Kite Runner," and "Eat, Pray, Love." Demand has grossly outpaced supply. It's an insane amount of cash. 

BUT, it all gets even more PAINFULLY LUDICROUS when we actually READ the novels (which, by the way, are the top 3 best selling eBooks in the whole of the Milky Way right now). Really, they're sort of parts of a whole, I don't get the feeling they were intended to be published as standalone volumes, it feels more of a profit tactic from a publishing perspective......

And, yeah, I've read all three.

Perhaps saying I've "read" them is too generous. I've SUFFERED through all three. I've smirked my way through all three. Rolled my eyes through them. What can I say...... I do what I can to keep on top of literary pop culture. I want to  know what makes readers and publishers go ape on a global basis. I feel this sort of professional obligation to find out why a certain book (or series) merits seven figures. I'm curious to know what America wants to read (particularly the part of America most likely to toss money at digital books). 

From what I can tell: 

Women are happy to read hundreds of pages of the stupid "heroine" Anastasia exclaiming "Holy crap!" and "OMG!" and "Wow, holy cow!" when her moneybags boyfriend threatens to put her over his knee. 

If I could count the number of times EL James allows her characters' "eyes to darken" or her characters to make "Mewl"-ing sounds of pleasure or for the proverbial loin-burning to be described as a "clenching low in her belly" I'd have an entire novel right there. 

If we mix in references to orgasms as "finding release" (did you lose it? was it hiding?) or being described as "coming undone," (pretty much the only two phrases James ever uses to describe that "event"), I'd have a sequel. 

If I kept track of the number of times the character bites her lip or rolls her eyes or refers to her luvah as "mercurial" I'd have my very own trilogy. 

Seriously: this E L James needs a big, heavy t-h-e-s-a-u-r-u-s. 

You know what else E L James needs? 

A BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF HOW 20-SOMETHINGS SPEAK. 

I know, I know, stands to reason a 40-something British writer will end up with characters who sound decidedly 40-something and British --  IF SHE'S A TERRIBLE WRITER. 

And you know what? These books were hardly the "scandal" they're hyped to be. If a little blindfold here and a spank there and some consensual handcuffs thrown in with some "dark looks" that make a girl's "belly tighten" are the extent of the "domination" the world is so abuzz about: they can keep it. 

Frankly, it's fairly standard-issue romance novel material: the girl can conveniently (pardon me) "find her release" on command. And it takes all of 4 seconds. He's up to go again 2 minutes later (naturally). She's always "so ready" for him (yes, that's another go-to euphemism for I'll-let-you-guess-what). 

He's forever "beguiled" and "bewildered" by her. And he says so, like a good, normal, 28 year-old dude does, naturally: "You beguile and bewilder me," is uttered more than half a dozen times over the course of the books. They use words like "unseemly," casually in conversation. This would be fine were the novel set in 1912. But it's not. This might be fine were the characters in question AARP-ish, blue bloods. But they're not. 

I'd be completely stumped over the sheer AMOUNT of press this series has received, except that I think I understand what's going on. This, from the NYT article titled "Discreetly Digital, Erotic Novel Sets American Women Abuzz:"

...this book has been credited with something else: introducing women who usually read run-of-the-mill literary or commercial fiction to graphic, heavy-breathing erotica. And in the cities and suburbs of New York, Denver and Minneapolis, the women who have devoured the books say they are feeling the happy effects at home. 

“It’s relighting a fire under a lot of marriages,” said Lyss Stern, the founder ofDivaMoms.com and one of the early fans of the series. “I think it makes you feel sexy again, reading the books.” 

One Long Island woman, who insisted on anonymity so that she would not embarrass her employer, said the book had gained an obsessive following among her friends, the first erotic novel they have ever discussed. 

“Women just feel like it’s O.K. to read it,” she said. “It’s taboo for women to admit that they watch pr0nography, but for some reason it’s O.K. to admit that they’re reading this book.” 

The trilogy has its detractors. Commentators have shredded the books for their explicit violence and antiquated treatment of women, made especially clear in the character of Anastasia, an awkward naif who consents to being stalked, slapped and whipped with a leather riding crop. 

“What I found fascinating is that there are all these supermotivated, smart, educated women saying this was like the greatest thing they’ve ever read,” said Meg Lazarus, a 38-year-old former lawyer in Scarsdale, whose friends and acquaintances have been buzzing about the book. “I don’t get it. There’s a lot of violence, and this guy is abhorrent sometimes.” 

Online reviewers have criticized the author for her plodding prose and habit of printing lengthy contracts and e-mail exchanges between characters in the text. 

“The books are just so long,” said Sarah Wendell, a blogger and the co-author of “Beyond Heaving Bosoms.” “They suffer from the same lack of content and pacing. They’re very dense, with a lot of detail. They just don’t go anywhere.”

Let's address that a little bit.

First, the claim that it's introduced women to erotica. 

Given that romance novels constitute an enormous bulk of the titles available on eBookstores' digital "shelves," I'm suspect here. Women with eReaders are reading romance novels -- it wouldn't have blossomed into the massive industry we see today were the likes of Harlequin not cranking them out as quickly as the average woman can read them. 

Is this perhaps a slightly less conventional subject matter? 

Perhaps. 

It's panty-ripping as opposed to bodice-ripping, if I were to couch it in Fabio-friendly terms. The characters have computers (and Blackberries...and use Skype) rather than butlers and postal carriers. They drive Audi's rather than ride horses. They live in urban areas rather than Scottish countrysides. BUT, the fact is that we have an innocent, but (OF COURSE) petulantly willful, female character naive in the ways of, uh....."love," and we have a horny, domineering male character bent on teaching the girl everything he knows. We have forces at work to keep them apart, we have over-the-top, post-coital declarations of never-ending love and lots of "smoothing of hair back from faces." There are masked balls. 

Yes, soirees attended while wearing masks. 

So, to say that it's introducing a new demographic of readers to the Brand New World of Erotica is to do a disservice to the massive industry that's been built on the backs of women who read these romance novels fairly regularly. 

Next point: 

Women feel like it's OK to read it and OK to discuss it. 

Welllllllllll: give any book enough press and people will admit to reading it or feel comfortable talking about it, subject matter aside. And people (I won't be so narrow as to say "women") like talking about sex. So, I don't think we ought to pin a gold star on these Shades of Grey just yet: people talk about books. People talk about books, people talk about sex, this is hardly new territory.

Next: the matter of violence and treatment of women? Because I'd be the first to run screaming from something that espouses mistreatment as an arousing experience......... and absolutely: if you were to say, "it's a book about a guy who wants to tie women up and slap 'em around" I'd be screeching in agreement -- BUT, the matter of violence is a touchy one. Reminds me a little of the supreme court's definition of Obscenity. It can be hard to define, but "...you know it when you see it." 

Actually, this guy doesn't so much as lay a finger on this girl without her express permission. In fact, he doesn't lay a finger on any of his past "submissive" partners without their express permission, either. And, when it comes down to the matter of that riding crop mentioned above: The Girl Requests It. Fantasizes about it, in fact. So, does that make it an abusive act of violence against a consenting partner when it's done with firm limits in place, one or the other can back out at any time, and it brings both partners pleasure, even if it's unconventional and sounds dangerous out-of-context? That's a tough call. Where do we draw the line between fuzzy handcuffs as bachelorette party gifts (that a couple may have NO desire to use) and some spanking action that both partners are interested in exploring? 

All-in-all, I'm actually going to come down on the side of E L James in this case and suggest that it's not an abusive relationship that this Anastasia character finds herself in -- interestingly, she's the one requesting almost ALL of the unconventional activities, and the dude is the one acquiescing in most cases.

Are the characters obnoxiously cardboard caricatures of domination and submission? 

Yep. 

BUT, does that make the character abhorrent, or just the writing? 

I think it's a weighty subject, in this case clumsily tackled by an unskilled writer, leaving something that tastes vaguely like "chauvinist" in our mouths a few chapter in, but I have to fall back on the example of archetypes common in MANY romance novels -- more often than not, the man is at the helm telling the woman what she "really wants." The genre really hasn't evolved much past a James Bondian sort of "no means yes" mindset as a whole, so I *could* argue that 75% of the genre is, in fact, creating a sexual fantasy out of oppression, patriarchy, and forced submission. I won't, but I *could.*

As for the suggestion that well-educated, ambitious women shouldn't enjoy reading erotica (even if there are cuffs and blindfolds involved): well, that feels a little sexist right there. We wouldn't say the same thing of ambitious, well-educated men who oogle Maxim or buy Playboy. And making readers wrong for the types of fiction they chose to read in the privacy of their own homes feels a little like a government making women wrong for wanting birth control covered as part of a medical plan. 

Heh. See how I just did that and worked in something irritatingly political? Yeah, you're welcome.

Finally -- the mention of plodding prose, of working email conversations into the narration, the generally over-long and clumsily slow pace of the novel? All true. 

Really, this woman's prowess with a pen is insultingly wan. THAT is the crime being perpetrated against women. We're getting suckered into paying for and reading Really Bad Romance Novels. In the hands of a better writer, these characters might have taken on more convincing dimension and an actual discussion about sexuality in America might have been more possible. We might better understand the transition of a young woman from scared and blushing to brazen and blindfolded rather than feeling like we were being given email threads instead of dialogue, and "Holy crap!"'s in place of an articulate evolution. 

BUT -- don't take my word for it: go read it yourself. 

Sincerely hoping they don't follow through with a movie: there would be no way to make this story compelling without stooping to cliches and pandering and stereotypes in the the hands of anything but a ruthless screenplay adapter .