Things we've covered here before: Heather loves bad movies.
Things we may not have covered here before: Heather (lately), specifically enjoys Kristen Bell's quasi-slapstick-ee brand of bad movies -- those movies that can't quite decide whether to fall back on trite physical humor, or cutesy wry sarcasm or whether to just slap a pretty dress on her and pit her against good looking co-stars who lack much charm. Remember "When in Rome?" No? No worries - it was bad. I liked it.
BUT. There's a line I draw. Um -- a line that I just discovered today, when I had to continually PAUSE the movie "You Again" because it was so uncomfortable I couldn't watch any more. I had to flip over to a different browser tab and cleanse my mind's palate with a little Sephora-cruising or Huffington Post-trawling. It was THAT. BAD. I wouldn't have thought that any movie combining Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigorney Weaver, Victor Garber AND Betty White could actually BE so horrible -- but -- um, wow. It was REALLY bad. Yeah, I kept going back for more, but it was in a brain-twistingly self-loathing way -- I was enjoying the pain. Hating myself for it, but enjoying the pain.
It wasn't just the "20-something lovebirds" claiming that "Kiss On My List" was their favorite tune, then singing along loudly, off-key.
It wasn't just the pre-wedding dance lessons that ended in a family "dance-off" to Britney's "Toxic."
It wasn't just the over-played cameo by Kristen Chenoweth (that was enough to make me HATE an actress I normally find cute and likable).
It wasn't just the attempt to make denture cream funny, or Sigorney Weaver cougar-sexy or Kristen Bell's faux acne believable.
It wasn't just the completely cliche "little brother character" that writers love to abuse for bad, one-liner quips that no real 12 year-old would EVER utter.
It wasn't just the ewwww factor of watching Victor Garber make repeated "AH-OOOOOH-GAH" faces at Jamie Lee Curtis over and over again.....
It wasn't just the range of inconceivably contorted facial expressions that Kristen Bell manages (and seems to assume are quirky and endearing when -- in fact -- they're flippin horrifying).
It wasn't just that the dude cast as the "hunky brother" had total John Edwards hair.
It wasn't just the choreographed dance routines and white-girl rapping at the wedding rehearsal dinner.
It wasn't just the repeated use of BAD KARAOKE as a vehicle for laughs.
It wasn't just the fact that female conflict was reduced to plate-tossing, hissy-fit cat fights.
It wasn't any one of those things on their own. It was a little bit of all of these things.
So, what's the premise?
Um - Kristen Bell's character was a geek in high school (I can relate). She had an "arch nemesis." Ehhh, can't necessarily relate. She grows up, gets sexy, becomes VP of a successful PR firm (heh -- right. Only in the movies). She goes home for her brother's wedding and discovers her future sister-in-law is none other than that "arch nemesis." Along those lines, her mother (Jamie Lee Curtis) also discovers that her own high school nemesis will now be in the family as well. Hilarity ensues. Er, at least, Kristen Bell tries to unravel the pending marriage, hoping that love-scales will fall from her brother's eyes and he'll dismiss his hot fiance on the grounds that she did mean things to his little sister an indeterminate number of years ago.
No one can let go of the past. No one can forgive anyone else for what happened that indeterminate number of years ago. Girls can't run fast, geeks can't dance, ugly girls are bitter, pretty girls are bullies who are out to get us all, women are always looking for the next excuse to pull one another's hair, the career-driven woman is secretly miserable because she's not happily married, when girls are emotional they'll sit in front of the fridge and eat everything in sight (*gasp -- CARBS AND ALL - ! gasp*), all men are gullible buffoons following the best rack around town, when in love, people sing Hall & Oates songs -- dear heavens, the stereotypes, the stereotypes, the stereotypes.
But I can live with stereotypes if they're well-written, and actually snag some legit laughs AND if they omit choreographed dance numbers. Wait -- in the case of "She's All That," we completely forgive the choreography. BUT -- Usher was not in "You Again." And, let's face it, Kristen Bell is just not QUITE the movie star studios keep trying to convince us she's become.
Real life: we don't hold grudges against the other "mean girls" from high school. We become their Facebook friends and console ourselves with cheap comparisons over who's gained (or lost) more weight since high school. We don't ruin their weddings, or pull out old videos of their worst moments to air in front of all of their friends and family. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Are MOVIE GIRLS so desperately, artificially VENGEFUL that they're giving real girls a bad rap? Or do we do that to ourselves.....?
Big sigh.
I watched the whole thing. Begrudgingly. The John Edwards Hair didn't get any better. The girls made up in the end, everyone lives happily ever after. Do yourself (and women everywhere) a favor and DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE.
Thanks.
Oh, man. Now I desperately want to see it. If only Kristen Bell, my heroine of the decade as Veronica Mars, weren't in it to spoil my unadulterated memories. I miss VM. So. Bad. I want her back. (Actually, THAT would be a movie I'd go see. And that would probably really REALLY spoil it all.)
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