Dressing the Celebs: Round 1

Okay, okay, I'll get around to recapping winery visits tomorrow. Also - was thinking I'd CHEERS my local tiny corner market this week as a salute to their fantastic, unusual, hard-to-find bubbly selection. The Tiny Corner Market Wine Man has tastes that are pretty much identical to mine.

Later. Later.

For now: Was cruising through some Project Runway recaps (don't watch the show, but like catching photos of the collections afterward) and actually decided the Michael C stuff is VERY wearable, I love the dusty color palate and there are a handful of ladies I'd like to dress in his creations. Tom and Lorenzo can rip on his lack of originality, but to me, all of these feel like straight-to-red-carpet confections that I'd love to see a real person (you know, without Light Socket Hair) strike a pose while wearing....

For starters:

This was a gorgeous color. Rosy champagne. Reminds me of a piece of candy, or of a perky meringue cookie once it's cooled off. Or rosy cheeks after being outside or something. Either way....while I'm not crazy about the flared hem, I think I'd LOVE it on Anna Kendrick.

This girl knows how to strike a pose. Rarely slouches. Is teeny tiny and would give something like this the requisite amount of attitude to keep the soft, draped bodice upright, rather than saggy. She likes herself some pastel mini-dresses. She usually chooses things that either wash her out, or make her look like she belongs on the Icecapades. She has no idea how to match her shoes to her dress. But she'd look downright regal in this number.

Next!

I saw this and hated it on a blonde model. Or, more properly, loved the dress, am a sucker for anything asymmetrical, trite though that may be by now, and I thought the contrast of the flirty, prohibition-era-lampshade-skirt and more structured top were just photo-perfect. But ALL WRONG on a blonde. The top of the dress is peachy-pale.....don't put in on someone who's fair up top - give it the benefit of some punchy contrast. And it needs someone with a small bust, and -- I think -- someone a little on the petite side, lest the miles of legs exiting the bottom of the lamp shade will leave things feeling unbalanced. Someone like....Natalie Portman:

First things first: she always nails the shoes. Knows when to go with a nude shoe to draw attention to the dress, and when to complement the dress with some splashy shoes. Goes for soft hair (which would be a graceful way to balance out the a symmetry of the top with the swooshiness (new word) of the bottom). Notice how I closed both of those parenthesis? Good job, Heather. Somewhere, a list of new year's resolutions is smiling. Anyway. Natalie. She's not afraid of a short skirt OR a dress with some structure. Tends to look best when she's not lost in yards of fabric or anything too boho. Terrific clavicles for something like this (where the strength of your shoulders is the whole focal point upon which the dress hangs).

And more swooshiness!

 

This one took me awhile. I loved it immediately -  loved how it managed to look both ethereal and tactile at the same time. Loved the way the color would flatter almost any complexion. Liked the unexpected peak of leg and the way it was just body-conscious enough up top to make the voluminous bottom seem gradual, rather than bag-like. Was just hard to figure out who should wear something like this. Finally decided there is, in fact, someone I want to see in LESS structured dresses, looking a little softer, a little less like a Carolina Herrera prisoner. Renee Zellwegger. 

Not crazy about the girl and her shiny, Botoxed, siliconed, cheek-implanted face or her bowl cut 'do or her squint. BUT, it would be an unexpected change of pace for Mrs Please Take Your Hooks Out of Bradley Cooper and Release Him Back to the Rest Of Us. And I'm tired of seeing her in yoga pants and yoga pants only. We need an excuse to parade her out onto the red carpet again and soften her up. While we're at it, we'll powder her face a little. It looks painful, the pink shiny-ness.

More fringe skirts:

I do like this one on a blonde. Keeps it light up top, gives the bodice some impact. Can't help being a sucker for how soft and touchable the fringed skirt looks. Like the detailing up top, don't even mind how deliberately the belt matches the shoes (feels like one of those Man Designer mantras that's hard to abandon, even when you're dressing women). Would love to see it on Carey Mulligan:

On the one hand, I generally like the way she styles herself. There's something contemporary in her generally vintage-inspired looks that agrees with me. She looks clean, unfussy, natural, age-appropriate. But the thing that gets me: her hem length. She chooses a dowdy length EVERY. TIME. Mid-calf doth not flatter many, and if you're going with an old-lady tea-length skirt, at least have the good sense to pair with sky-high heels to give yourself a precious few extra, necessary inches. Which is why that frothy little fringed number up there would be such a welcome change for lil Carey. It plays up a lady's waist, gives the gams some airtime (I'm being painfully, uncharacteristically alliterative today. Gag). Looks young and confident and fresh and wearable. Nothing too trendy, just cute. Like lil Mulligan.

You'd put that on WHO?

I'll give Michael C credit for tackling shoes very well. Understated, interesting, nothing so flashy that they become the main event. But this dress looks like it needs either a lighter, barely-there strappy number, or a deliberate, "it's no longer summertime" boot of some sort. The platform pumps feel like they abbreviate the lines on this dress a little bit. Speaking of lines - dig the way the lines at the neck mirror the lines of the belt at the waist. Like the way that the drapey sleeve has similar proportions to the drapey skirt. Makes the asymmetry feel surprisingly balanced. And there's something daring about how simple this is - no fussy straps or pendants or necklaces. It's clean. You know who could handle something clean with some natural, flowing movement? Hilary Swank. 

Because she doesn't know how to dress or style herself. Always too structured, too colorful, too evocative of wrapping paper, or prom, or Miss America. Her stabs at feminine feel awkward and contrived, her hair is usually too severe, too deliberate. But in the case of this dress, I feel like something with strong lines at the shoulders would complement her. And her hair could be starched and deliberate and severe and it would work - would let the dress to the talking. Still a softer look for her, but softer on her terms. 

And finally:

Who on earth, right???? It's an interesting concept. It's like Angry Rainbow. Or Queen Frostine On Acid. Or Princess of Pain or something. But with the ruffles and tiers, still manages to be somewhat delicate. Slap some pasties in there and I'd like to see it on Kelly Osborne. 

Really? Yep. Really. Word on the street is she's lost some weight and is having a delicious time showing it off. But she doesn't really know what to do with "it." What I do know: the sweetheart neckline and cinched waist work well for her. And something a little punk-pretty would suit her well. It would be demure for her recent run of sort of trashy pinup-chic looks. I'd pin her hair up in a little faux-hawk ponytail, give her an almost out-of-place sort of tough clutch and call it good. But we'd ditch the cuff bracelet from the runway. There's enough going on there not to warrant any accessories. Just some good eye makeup.