Not-Quite-Resolutions, one quarter later...

So, back toward the end of the year I came up with a list of "non-resolutions." Because it's frankly too daunting to try to commit to any sort of life-changing undertaking with any real gusto, and easier to toss up a list of completely lame things I figure would be cool to do more often.
So here I am, a quarter of the way through the year.....figured it was a good time to check in with my "hey, I never called it a resolution so it doesn't matter if I totally fail" list:

- Eat more steak

• Welllllll, I'm one steak into "eat more steak." So far on par with last year's single-steak habit. But with 9 more months in the year, if I eat just one more, I'll have met the "more" quota. I'm not going to count those steak fajitas. If it arrived at the table pre-chopped, it doesn't count. Serrated knife required.

- Do a cartwheel or two

• Do headstands count? Because I've done more than one headstand this year, blowing my record for every year since I was, oh -- ten -- completely out of the water. But I realize on "resolution" terms that's sort of like saying "I'll lose 10 pounds" then coming back at the end of the year twenty pounds heavier, but using the "hey, I quit smoking!" excuse. Still a fail on the 10 pounds. And no cartwheels to show for it.

- Spend less money at Target. Really - those lunchtime errands for "essentials" that ALWAYS end up with shopping bags full of scarves, hair care, shoes and lovely-smelling candles aren't helping the credit card balances. You know those "cheap" jeans won't fit properly anyway, so just walk away. And those earrings look suspiciously like 23 other pairs you've got taking up space in the jewelry box.

• Ummmm.....I have no idea. I think this one was destined for failure outta the gate. I've bought plenty of crap this year, plenty of it has come from Target.

- Diversify the music library - how 'bout one new artist per week.

• YES! Win! It had to do with that "I'm totally gonna go to Coachella!" phase - I wanted to make sure I'd at listened to at least 50% of the lineup - I was stupidly dedicated to this one. I've ended up with 20 or so 'new favorite bands.' Lucero particularly won me over. I love that guy's grating, annoying, nasal voice. It's sort of unrivaled in it's irritatingness and I can't get enough.

- More karaoke. This should probably be a national resolution. As Americans, we don't do nearly enough karaoke. Aim small - how about Quarterly Karaoke?

• First quarter karaoke taken care of. "Summer of 69" was an excellent choice. Just ask my fan. That guy that hung out right by the stage and snapped pictures of me with his phone. I'd never seen him before in my life. And he liked my Bryan Adams rendition very well.  

- Shave the legs more often. Not just that quick "eek, my ankles are showing when I cross my legs, better de-fuzz 'em" trick. The real deal. Maybe even some nice yummy-smelling lotion afterward (wow, livin on the edge...heh. this is probably the one on the list I WON'T keep...).

• Proud to say I've kept the fur under control. I'm amazed. It's much easier the more often you do this.....see, I do still have the power to surprise myself.

- Find an IPA that I can get excited about.

• Not so far. The year is young yet.

- Start Pudding Mondays. After discovering how delightfully simple pudding is to make, I think I should make and eat pudding weekly. Weekly pudding from here on out.

• We definitely started the pudding Mondays. Except we did them on Wednesdays. And then we stopped. So, let's get back to the pudding madness. It was a huge Facebook hit. And we've got grand plans to take pudding to the streets. *Shhhhhh!*

- Purge the undies drawer of the old ugly stuff. The panties (lame word, "panties") from college (the cutesy little printed cotton numbers) that haven't been touched in 8 years - just throw 'em away. No use being sentimental about old underwear. Along those lines: GENIUS of Victoria's Secret to go with "One Size Fits All" with those "Lacie" numbers. They really do fit all. Must buy more of those.

• Purged! If it's old, if it came from Costco in a multi-pack, if it has pastel flowers on it and if there was any chance it would cause a panty line, it's completely GONE. In the garbage. All that's left are beautiful, pretty little panties in delightful colors made out of delightful material that make me feel delightfully panty-line free. That still leaves me with something like 72 pairs, so they still require an entire drawer to themselves....BUT, I love each and every one of them. And it means I can get away with doing laundry as seldom as possible.

- Learn the words to that Blues Traveler song "Hook." That one that references Rin Tin Tin and Anne Boleyn. The words in that part of the tune cruise past faster than my brain can really register. See - lofty, life-changing goals.

• Fail. I went through a phase with that song. Phase over. Don't care if I know the words or not. BUT, it is stuck in my head right now. And if I come up with some sort of renewed lyric-learning vigor, I've got the rest of the year to get them straight.

- Run off to Hollywood; marry Benjamin McKenzie. Wait - oh. Hmm.

• I'll give you 3 guesses. One: No, Heather did not run off to Hollywood and marry Ben McKenzie. Two: Yes, she did - where have you been, we've been all over JustJared for the past 3 months, you've totally been neglecting your celebrity gossip. And three: He's madly in love with me, has begged me to make him the happiest man on the planet by doing him the honor of paparazzi-dodging with him for the rest of our long and healthy lives and I've demurely dodged the question and run off to stalk Sam Worthington. You decide.

- Throw more things away. Not in that "Heather, you mean RECYCLE" sort of sense. I mean more trips out to the ol' dumpster. I let it accumulate. Why bother - take it out BEFORE the trash is full and heavy.

• This was too boring to even waste follow-up words on.

- Reduce the amount of crap I haul around in my purse. Downsize the purse. Fewer tubes of "just in case" mascara. Because - Heather, Heather, Heather - when was the last time a mascara emergency REALLY presented itself? Er, but I know the moment I no longer carry a spare with me I'll have one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments where a truck drives by while I'm rolling up my window leaving a fast food drive through and sloshes through an enourmous puddle and splashes a faceful of water into my open window, ruining my hair and causing my mascara to run in rivers down the cheeks. And I'll think "If only I had a spare mascara with me."

• Purse crap is still at critical mass.

- I'm ripping off AJ on this one, but it WOULD be really, really cool to have one of those "Ocean's 13" style conversations where you fill in the blanks in each other's sentences. "Relationships can be..." "Sure." "But they're also..." "That's right." And that odd Facebook exchange from New Year's eve doesn't count. That was last year.

• Negative, captain. Most of my conversations have been completely coherent. And that unfortunate evening back in January where I thought it would be a good idea to chase margaritas with champagne, followed by Jager followed by beer which resulted in a re-inspection of my lunctime Thai curry all over the parking lot AND some particularly incoherent conversations that might have involved references to "Last of the Mohicans?" Well that doesn't count. And that continues to be an embarassing night to remember.

- Eat more. Yes, that's right. Eat more. I'm an emotional non-eater. When "life" picks up and things get emotional (good OR bad) my appetite tanks. I live on handfuls of sour patch kids and the occassional cup of coffee. Horrible way to take care of myself. I'm smarter than that.

• Um, yes, eating more. And wearing it on my hips. Cue expression of consternation. On the flip side, I suppose some of that has distributed itself up top, too. So my cleavage looks a little better.

- Trim the split ends.

• Not so far. Plan is to grow my hair out to my waist. Which means it would make sense to keep the ends healthy. Just can't be bothered to deal with it. Just like I can't be bothered to deal with styling it more than about once a week. A ponytail hides all number of hair sins.

-Take a yoga class. See - that's simple, easy - one yoga class and I'll have fulfilled the resolution. This feels like Resolving for Cheaters, 101. Yes, but I'll be more successful than those people that resolve to lose 25 pounds or learn a foreign language. I'll see your GOOD resolution and raise you 23 stupid, easy ones. I'll feel better about myself for accomplishing more of them.

• Um, nope. But it's only April. Which I keep typing as "Aptril." With a T. Weird. Like, 4 times in a row I've added a T.

- Read a biography. Don't think I've read one since that Mary Lou Retton bit back in grade school (and then only because we had the same hair cut). Would do me good to learn more about the life of, oh, Wayne Gretzky. For instance.

• I have no real desire to read a biography. That was fluff filler for my list. Although Wayne Gretzky would be a cool guy to be bizarrely well-versed about.

- Have a Really. Good. Kiss. There's no way to describe this without succumbing to horrible cliches, but would love to have that sort of kiss that absolutely gives you butterflies in your stomach and shivers on your skin and leaves you grinning for the rest of the day and fundamentally restores your faith in the power of mouth-to-mouth. My Kissing Faith has been somewhat shaken of late. I firmly believe The Kiss is one of those biological imperatives that all of us should fall out of the womb understanding how to do. Sadly: not the case...and this simply should NOT be such a difficult thing for so many people to master. Gold star if said Really. Good. Kiss. also happens to incorporate the subtle use of some teeth (and if I said that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade actually had some impact on Young Heather's idea about what fun teeth could be when kissing, you wouldn't believe me (particularly because it was sort of ruthlessly administered in the movie)....but it's true. Thanks, Elsa Schneider).

• A lady doesn't kiss and tell. But if I was so inclined: consider my faith fundamentally restored.

- Laugh more.

• Done! Living with my sister has been good for this. She makes me giggle.

- Close my parenthesis more often.

• Nope! Most of the daily emails to my mom include at least one open-ended parenthetical aside. Sigh. This one would actually be "real resolution" worthy. Maybe next year. Maybe this summer. Maybe by the time the leaves fall from the trees I'll close my parenthesis more regularly. Maybe.

- Use fewer parentheses (er, although if that makes the alternative footnotes or asterisks, I absolve myself of all responsibility for that resolution). See how I didn't get even remotely parenthetical there...?

• (Ha).

- Censor myself less. This seems big and bold and life-changing (and contrary to the asinine spirit of my resolutions) HOWEVER, this is simple as saying "You look gorgeous today" rather than just thinking it. Or, "You're cool. Just wanted you to know." or "You definitely lost 5 pounds" or "Has anyone told you today that you're an ABSOLUTE FLIPPING MORON and I'm sorry I answered this particular phone call? No? Ah....first one today, hmm? You're an idiot." That sort of thing.

• This has been difficult. But being cognizant of the desire to censor myself less has led to more than a few candid admissions that I might not have made before. It's strange to think I've never in my life had one of those "D'oh! I should THINK before I SPEAK" moments. It's the other way around for me. I spend time thinking "I should SPEAK before I THINK" more often than not - so allowing myself the space to blurt things out a little more often is a fun exercise in honesty.

- Less abuse of Snooze Button. If I'm not going to get up until 6, don't set the alarm for 5 and put yourself through the same 2 bars of Garth Brooks' "You Move Me" every 10 minutes for an hour. Just don't.

• Wow, this has gotten much worse. It's been a strange few months for my sleep cycles. Harder to get out of bed. At least an hour of snooze-abuse every morning. Rotating song selection (Shaggy's "Boombastic" really is a pretty great way to wake up in the morning). Also great: coordinating 6 different alarms to go off within 5 minutes of each other on a morning we really needed to get up on time. That was a ridiculously good time.

- Take more photos.

• Guess I need to get a camera to make this happen. So, not really. But I've probably pressured sister into taking more pictures. That doesn't quite count, I guess.

- Watch "Casablanca."

• Nope. Crossing this one off the list. I don't care if I watch it this year. Can I replace that with Watch "The Big Lebowski?" Because I've watched that one. And "Being John Malkovich." I've watched that one, too.

- Try watching "Intolerable Cruelty" again. Is it still as un-funny as it was the first time?

• Couldn't tell ya. Haven't tried. And probably won't for a little while longer, since I think I'm still coming down from the movie OD I put myself through ahead of the Oscars. Have I mentioned how much I loved "Crazy Heart?"

- Track down my own copy of Power Rangers: The Movie. I remember that being great fun. And that cute Green Ranger would probably look like a silly child if I watched it today, but - for old time's sake - I should probably own that movie.

• Totally still need to do this. And find a copy of the soundtrack. Great tunes on that soundtrack. And actually, while I'm at it, I should break out my copy of Battletoads for NES and a box of dry Cap'n Crunch and re-eneact all of those afternoons in middle school where we'd all come home and play the Power Rangers soundtrack while trying to beat the Snow Level in Battletoads while scarfing down cereal. Those were the days.

So there we have it. I think I'll revisit this again in another 3 months or so - I have a decent handful of these that I've completely ignored. And the point was actually to accomplish most of these so that I could lord my sense of superiority over everyone else all year long. Smugly.