Bump conspiracy.

I had a dream on Saturday night that I was pregnant. And so was my mom. And she was giving me delivery tips. And I had the easiest delivery in the history of deliveries, right from the comfort of home. Popped out a beautiful little girl, named her Lydia Grace, then got frustrated with my camera for defaulting to "Saved by the Bell Collage Mode" and layering all of my pictures of my little bundle of joy on top of each other with a neon paint-splatter "effect" over the top. Meh.

Bad camera.

But, was a nice dream -- she grew up very quickly, she was beautiful (but interestingly aloof), she didn't like waiting for me to fumble with the camera when taking her picture.....normal sort of stuff.

I guess I'm just getting to that "oh. I DO have a ticking clock" phase of my life for the first time in recorded history and am dreaming of painless births.

Relayed the dream to Mr Wonderful and he agreed -- Lydia Grace is great name. So, check that one off of our relationship list: we've named our first unborn kiddo. Mr Wonderful also believes that dreaming about your future babies has something to do with "the ghost of that twinkle in your eye" communicating with you before they're a biological reality.

Huh.

Sooooo -- this is all just a lead-in to dish about the fact that Beyonce's recently-revealed super-baby is already the focus of a few rather darling conspiracy theories. Mostly, they cite a performance just 10 days ago where no bump was in sight. Now, fast forward to this weekend's VMA's and some hyper-suspicious types wonder whether Beyonce sported a faux bump for the sake of announcing the pregnancy.

My take: probably. Ferheavenssake, she uses Spanx and custom underthingies to craft a smaller waist and flatter belly, why the heck wouldn't she pad the bump when she needs it to look "just so" for the purposes of big, televised reveals?

Apparently the perhaps-padding vexes the heck out of blogger Sandra Rose. In THIS POST, she pretty much calls the presumed augmentation the most narcissistic stunt she's seen in 19 years in the music industry. Here, to spare you some link-clicking, I'll quote:

In my 19 years in the music industry, I’ve seen narcissistic celebrities go to absurd lengths to grab headlines. But Beyoncé really took the cake tonight at the MTV Video Music Awards when she showed up on the red carpet with what was obviously a fake baby bump.

Beyoncé made sure she was going to upstage every celebrity at the awards show even before the show began, by announcing her pregnancy — a pregnancy that no one saw coming even though she has not left the public eye in months.

I find it necessary to remind my readers that Beyoncé was just onstage 10 days ago in New York with NO visible baby bump!
Now all of a sudden — 10 days later — she shows up at the VMA’s with a swollen belly looking like she’s 6 months pregnant? LOL! I can’t stop laughing!


And of course the gullible Beyoncé Stans fell for the lie just as easily as they fall for all the crap that Beyoncé and her camp shovels their way. Well, we’re not fooled because we know that a pregnant woman doesn’t go from 0 to 6 months in less than 10 days!

Beyoncé may very well be pregnant — and if she is, congrats to her and Jay Z — but that baby bump she was holding all night like a basketball was as fake as a $100 dollar bill with Barack Obama’s face on it!

Wow. Who knew Beyoncé could stoop so low just for attention?

Ummmmm - jaded much, Sandy?  Ferheavenssake, she's a celebrity with a big announcement to make -- do we expect this particular brand of diva to underperform? Hardly. Look -- according to Radar, she's due in February so she's somewhere around 3 months along. I'd imaging that can look different ways on different women. Apparently THIS is the picture of her from 10 days ago:

I see draping. I see a dress intended to hide the middle. And, I've heard that a belly can actually really "pop" from "meh, bloated" to "whoa, baby" in a matter of days, anyway.......I wouldn't know -- I've only ever given birth in dreams. Where umbilical cords were no issue at all and nurses and doctors arrive in your home at the tinkle of a little bell to fill out birth certificates for you and fawn over how magnificently you just delivered. Ahem.

Anyway.

Do I think it was a prosthetic belly? Nope. Do I suspect perhaps a bit of...augmentation so that there was NO doubt in the public's mind that, yes, she is incubating a little Mini-J spawn? Yes, I do suspect. Am I dreading the probably unavoidable ballad following birth of spawn that's tantamount to a super-vibrato lullaby? Yes, I'm dreading. It was bad when XTina did it, it will be just as gratuitous when Beyonce does it.

HOWEVER - in the spirit of graciousness: congrats to the parents-to-be.

This kid's gonna fall out of the womb with some serious swagger. And better hope Kanye is this kid's godfather. Oh, the things a toddler could learn from a guy with diamond teeth.......