"You know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxi-WINNING!"

Warner Brothers just officially canned Charlie Sheen.

First things first - you know what's totally NOT winning right now? My lunch.

A couple times a week I slum it at the local grocery store sushi cart. Which is wasteful right there because I don't like rice, so my sushi consumption is pretty much limited to peeling the seared eel off the top of the roll, slathering it in soy and throwing away a lot of little rice doughnut debris.

So I take the time to drive the whole 3 minutes up the hill to the grocery store, walk in, and they've just....vacated the sushi rack. No cheerful little chef guy, no overpriced ahi salad, no beloved eel roll. Just an empty rack where the sake used to be. Like they knew it was a MONDAY of a Monday and they knew I'd be coming and they just pulled the sushi rug right out from under my feet.

Begrudgingly settled for a bland "Mediterranean Tuna Sandwich" on a soggy hamburger bun. But I don't like bread, so I'll dig the tuna off the bun and cast a mean-looking glower in the sandwich's general direction because it is, so pointedly, NOT eel and half of it will end up, so pointedly, in the garbage. 

ALSO - while I may patently refuse to go on the record about Charlie Sheen any further at this point (for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is his complete disrespect for women, children, the fame he's receiving for being a wayward asshat, my unwillingness to give any more airspace to men who mistreat women AND his willingness to look a weekly $2 million gift horse in the cracked out mouth), I am perfectly happy to toss up videos of other people doing their best Charlie impressions. So, under the WINNING! front we have Bill Hader on SNL this weekend; he did a pretty spot-on version of Senor Crack himself in their "Duh! Winning!" skit.

He nailed the voice. He nailed the crazy eyes (well, Bill Hader has crazy eyes anyway, so he just has to look at the camera to give me the heebies). Also loved that the guests on his  show were other famewhores of questionable repute. Like my poor Christina Aguilera (who is one more trip-and-fall away from a Britney-level of immortality toward which no one wants to be sentenced). Abby Elliot (who needed bigger hair, more cleavage and worse lipstick to really bring home the Christina imitation) warbled her way through a litany of the pop stars most recent missteps, including the public intoxication arrest, to which Fake Charlie says, "You know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxi-WINNING."

Which makes me think (a little tangentially) that we've yet to see a pop star really RECOVER from their downfall. I sort of feel like the shelf life of a pop tart is increasingly abbreviated and once you do something to bungle your good graces in the public's eye, the ladder back toward redemption and sold-out stadium tours is VERY, VERY, VERY long, high, and difficult to climb in heels. But that's a different commentary for a different day. For now, I think XTina should probably retire to a safe, sober place somewhere in the hills of Montana and return several years from now with a killer role in a Broadway show that will endear her to a newer, higher brow demographic. But that's just my take. If she wants to hire me for publicity purposes I'd be happy to accept my salary in shoes. Otherwise, I'll keep covering her random antics as my inspiration allows, because my "Decade of Christina" post continues to generate more daily traffic than any other post I've ever written.

Back toward the real point.

I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Miley was pretty good on SNL this weekend. She does Bieber better than she does Lohan, and she sang a little too often, but I've gotta hand it to her: the twit has stage presence. She looked classy and appropriate during her monologue - she tackled the Stupid Salvia Controversy very succinctly by drawing attention to all of the celebrities who are notoriously MORE poorly behaved than she is, gave a musical shrug of the shoulders to her bong indiscretion, reminded everyone she never said she was perfect, and EVEN squeezed in a little wink-nod reference to the recurring Vanessa Bayer skit that parodies her. Apparently her weak Lohan impression was enough to enrage Our Lady of the Stolen Necklace, because she sent an email to Lorne Michaels expressing her disappointment over, I dunno, being such a flippin EASY target????

I was oddly thrilled with this little "Face Cream and Rockabilly CD" number in all of it's Dynasty-esque glory. Mr Wonderful was a little puzzled and found it less funny, but the absurdity of packaging face cream with a cd, in proportions that require you to continue to buy more of  both for no particular reason was pretty hilarious. And I felt like she held her own alongside Kristen Wiig pretty well (which all guests aren't so fortunate as to be able to manage). She was pretty natural (which comes from growing up on stage, in front of the camera I'd imagine). She's really filled out in the face lately - which has strangely endeared me to her - she's growing up, her proportions are changing a little, she's wearing a little more...padding these days, which is startlingly normal....and I always like having those, "aw, she's filthy rich and still gets chipmunk cheeks from time to time, too!" moments.

Anyway - she did well. I'll admit it.