People Having Worse Tuesdays Than I
1 - Brad Paisley
The Once-Future-Father-of-Heather's-Babies took a nasty spill during an encore number in Charleston, SC this weekend. Irony: it was during the song "Alcohol." Looks like he tripped and fell headfirst over his fancy guitar. Went down like he meant it. Apparently he's "very sore" with some serious bruises, but otherwise alive and kickin. No broken ribs (though to watch him fall, seriously looks like he would have more likely splashed Brad Paisley brains all over the stage...) Hmmm.....too bad that whole "you look a lot like Kimberly Williams" sentiment from years past isn't quite strong enough these days for me to swap places with her undetected. You know, so I could, um *cough - play nurse - cough*
2 - The rest of the body attached to The Breasts known as Christina Hendricks
I can't quite figure this out. Christina Hendrick's breasts were invited to the Elton John Oscar After-Party. Sweet. They decide that the rest of her body may come along and should wear the fashion equivalent of "Morticia Adams as a Cake Topper." And this morning she wakes up to pictures of herself all over the greater celebrity gossip website world with a huge "what was she thinking" caption beneath them all. On the flip side: her hair looked great. On the flip-flip side, for a woman who says she's tired of everyone making such a big fuss over her figure....she doesn't dress herself like a woman tired of the attention...and talking about your fancy body (whatever the ultimate goal) still draws a hell of a lot of attention to your fancy body. So really, I hope the body attached to The Breasts known as Christina Hendricks had a fantastic time on Sunday night, because she's starting the week with all sorts of jokes about that dress (jokes nearly as incredulous as the "is-she-or-isn't-she-wearing-grey-hosiery?!" debate).
3 - These poor horses (and dogs and moose and deer). Dear heavens.
He brought this bad day on himself. He decided to date Miley Cyrus. Er, no, wait - I don't think there was any deciding about it. I have a feeling Miley sets her sights on something and a vast, cash-driven (though I'm sure highly dedictated) army of Miley Minions launches into action to "secure the target" and make sure their Queen wants for nothing. So really: this Liam guy was snared before he even knew what hit him. HOWEVER, I think it does the young buck no good to be lumped in with Her Majesty when she says this of her latest Man Toy: "I think we're both deeper than normal people—what they think and how they feel. He's very grateful for what he has, but he doesn't let it go to his head. I'm like that too." What's a guy to do after a comparison like that? He starts looking for another word to describe "depth," that's what. Because it's tantamount to libel, really, to be lumped in with The Miley when she starts making grandiose statments about self-actualization. Poor guy. He just got Super Lame by association. And I had NO idea who that guy was in the first place.
5 - Jessica Simpson
So, it always blows to realize "he's just not that into you." BUT I'd bet it blows that much harder if you find out he's just not that into you via gossip websites or People magazine or whisperings that he's hooked up with someone taller and ridiculously better-looking than you. Er, I guess particularly when he's not that tall or good looking himself (although he managed to make the "usually-a-bad-idea" soul patch thing look, I suppose, sort of OK). The girl in question is Jessica Simpson. The guy in question is, of course, Jeremy Renner. And apparently the fact that we all heard that they "flirted and swapped digits" was patently untrue. And the taller, better-looking woman with whom he's rumored to have had a post-Oscar hookup was none other than Charlize Theron. And that's a tough break. Would rather be me than Jess today. No girl wants to be the one that lost the man (even the man that never was, even the man that was only rumored to have happened) to Charlize, if only because it's one of those "well obviously" situations. As in, "well obviously the man will pick Charlize." As in "well obviously Jess never stood a chance." As in "well obviously, the guy would have to be out of his mind - no contest." Et cetera. I never want to be on the soggy end of a "well obviously" situation.
So then - by comparison: a word to the "Telephone-Support-Hotline-Dialing-Tool-In-All-Of-Us:"
If you have to call a telephone support line AND you happen to be having a particularly bad day AND you happen to have something of a mouth on you AND you happen to be unable to control that mouth when your computer gives you problems, THEN consider this: it's not any more pleasant for those of us on the receiving end of that phone call, Mr RepeatedUseofSonofaBitch. It shouldn't be my job to...uh....temper your temper. And it lacks professionalism. If you MUST toss around the JeeeesusEffingChrist references while you're on the phone with us, have the grace to say, "Uh, sorry 'bout that" after each and every one. Otherwise I'll be very tempted to just Hang the Eff Up On You, blame it on a bad connection and run off to the little girls' room afterward so that you get a DIFFERENT "support agent" when you call back.
HOWEVER: would rather be my weary phone-answering self than Jessica Simpson or Liam Hemsworth or the rest of the body attached to The Breasts known as Christina Hendricks or poor lil Brad Paisley. Today, anyway.
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