SO, as we're approaching the end of a year - a decade even - and hosts of "Best of" lists abound it seemed timely to visit my "Worst of." The worst movies that I especially enjoyed (and probably purchased, downloaded the soundtrack for and recited quotes from in social situations where I thought it would annoy people...I'm nothing if not unashamed of my bad taste). Never let it be said I like "fine" art. Just art in general...the schlockier (if that wasn't a word before, it's a word now), the better.
1999:
BROKEDOWN PALACE
The premise: naive school girls go abroad. meet hot guy. inadvertently smuggle hot guy's heroine into Thailand. Or some such nonsense.
It's awful because: it takes the only box office appeal of actresses like Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale - their good looks - and sabotages that appeal by tossing them in prison where they cower, shiver, cry and look generally dirty and degenerate.
I love it because: it asks us to take Bill Pullman seriously. As an attorney. Or father. Or some such nonsense. I stand firmly by my (brilliant) realization that absolutely any role played by Bill Pullman would ALWAYS (always) be better played by Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton borders on hunky. Bill Pullman borders on ooky. And I never got tired of watching pretty girls looking horrible on screen, eating their own fingernails or getting led off to their own execution. Great fun.
NEVER BEEN KISSED
The premise: Geeky journalist goes "under cover" back to high school as research for a story. Falls in love with the sexy CIA handler from Alias. Oh - he was a teacher in this movie? Ah. So, she falls in love with sexy teacher. Gets kissed.
It's awful because: The entire premise is like one big, awkward, "lean-in-with-your-eyes-closed" lead-up to the "kiss." Except they have to throw in uncomfortable "conflict." And uncomfortable David Arquette.
I love it because: It's one big, awkward, "lean-in-with-your-eyes-closed" lead-up to the kiss. I hadn't yet been kissed myself in 1999 (laaaaaaaate bloomer there with the pucker-up action). I was also a geeky student with journalism inclinations and went through high school with insane crushes on teachers, principals, coaches, whatever. So it was a glorified dream-come-true on the silver screen: the way my life was supposed to play out. I'd end up with the Sexy CIA Handler guy. Teacher. Whatever.
EYES WIDE SHUT
The premise: married couple with trust issues joins "super-secret underground sex club."
It's awful because: Tom Cruise. 'Nuf said.
I loved it because: I love salacious things. I just do. And I was just young enough when I watched this to be both traumatized, fascinated and guiltily curious...in SPITE of Tom Cruise. That whole "groups of men in vinyl masks doing unusual things to faceless naked women" was a whole new type of cinematic experience...
2000
100 GIRLS
The premise: College kid makes out with girl of his dreams in an elevator during a power outage. Trouble is: it's "DARK" and he has no idea what this dream girl (with a perfect rack) looks like. And darn, he didn't ask for her name.
It's awful because: You can see the ending coming from a mile away. And there's this whole "dressing in drag" to understand girls better bit that's wholly unconvincing. And wholly unnecessary. And the main character's sidekick roommate (a Stifler knock-off played by a Steven Baldwin knock-off, so wretched all around) plays with himself a lot. It's supposed to be funny. We're also supposed to believe that Jaime Pressly is the "Hottest Girl On the Planet" (she's hot, sure...but doesn't quite "own" that whole painfully-gorgeous-and-cold-as-ice stereotype the movie aims for).
I loved it because: Can't help adoring Emmanuelle Chriqui - she's gorgeous and adorable and actually a pretty underrated actress (er, that is, I measure the quality of an actress by the quality of her hair and wardrobe in the movie, and Emmanuelle's is top notch). And actually, even though you know the "girl of college boy's dreams" is the one staring him in the face the entire time, it's still got a certain amount of "She's All That"-esque kitsch that makes it endearing. Even if you want to smash the Stifler knockoff over the head with a television.
THE SKULLS
The premise: College kid gets inducted into super-secret Fraternity Of Death. But cool cars are involved. And Paul Walker. And Dawson's Creek alum Pacey.
It's awful because: ...the movie ends with a pistol duel, for one. And Paul Walker gets a lot of screen time (it's doomed from the opening credits, in that case). And Dawson's Creek alum Pacey is the one that "gets the girl" which is always a little uncomfortable because, frankly, that kid has all the sex appeal of an artichoke (though I'm sure there are women out there that find artichokes endlessly attractive, I'm just not into that. Unless it's covered in parmesan and served up with crunchy bread. Artichokes, that is. Not Pacey. Wait...no, if he was served covered in parmesan I'd reconsider him, too)
I loved it because: That Lorna Vallings song "Taste" that played during the shower make-out scene is one of my favorite songs of all time. "If I could have just a taste of you....would I be wanting more...." sung in this spooky, sultry, sort of androgynous voice is hot, I guess. And, frankly, the pistol duel was a pretty awesome way to wrap up the Paul Walker character's sniveling, murdering, evil-fraternity-ruling lifestyle.
THE PERFECT STORM
The premise: Rag-tag boat of fisherman head out into the eye of the most vicious CGI storm a computer geek could concoct. Some of them die.
It's awful because: You go to a disaster flick to see disaster. Giant swells, crashing breakers, boats thrown asunder. They wait much too long to actually get to the good stuff - and all of this happens at NIGHT, so the whole "sky and boat and ocean are the same color" bit makes it all rather underwhelming. Plus, George Clooney sports a wretched beard.
I loved it because: Disaster movies are my vice. I love watching things get destroyed. I love special effects. I love that whole "mother earth turned against us a'la "The Tower"" genre. Great fun. And the attempt to hit us in the emotional jugular by having the captain go down with his ship was so contrived it was almost sweet.
I loved it because: Disaster movies are my vice. I love watching things get destroyed. I love special effects. I love that whole "mother earth turned against us a'la "The Tower"" genre. Great fun. And the attempt to hit us in the emotional jugular by having the captain go down with his ship was so contrived it was almost sweet.
2001
CROSSROADS
The premise: Britney spears is in a movie.
It's awful because: I'll pick my personal favorite - they cast a funny-looking guy as her love interest.
I loved it because: I was their target audience: girl that likes Britney spears, likes movies with funny-looking guys, likes road trips and likes "pregnant teens with a secret" side stories. Plus, Taryn Manning was in that group Boomkat with that song "The Reckoning" and it was terrible and I loved it. So, we've got awful movie combined with multiple awful pop stars and funny-looking guys. It's a shoo-in.
LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
The premise: Angelina Jolie's Breasts run around through tombs killing things.
It's awful because: Anything as highly anticipated as Angelina Jolie's Breasts Running Around Killing Things is bound to be an utter disappointment by the time it actually reaches the screen. Though really, as video game adaptations go, this one kept me awake (I make that distinction because I remember going to see Final Fantasy when it hit the big screen and fell asleep by about the third time they invoked the name Gaia).
I loved it because: Nothing snarky here: this movie LOOKED really cool. The tombs, the leaping Angelina, the amazing sci-fi bra - all very neat. I wanted to be Lara Croft after I saw this movie. I wanted fancy gun holsters and amazing sci-fi breasts and a fancy house to relax in after killing the sorts of things that haunt tombs. Fun all around, actually.
JOY RIDE
The premise: Paul Walker, Steve Zahn and Leelee Sobieski hit the open road and get on the wrong side of a seriously deranged big rig trucker. Caaaaaannnnnndy Caaaaannnne......Caaaaaandy Caaaaane.......
It's awful because See above. It took the idea of lonely, long-haul big-rig truck drivers (already somewhat terrifying in their own right) and made one of them into a particularly heinous killer bent on mowing through cornfields in the night in pursuit of the road-tripping punks that toyed with his manhood via CB radio entendres...but mostly: it starred Paul Walker. And the only relief we get from Paul Walker comes in the form of Steve Zahn's sort of manic "sidekick" antics.
I loved it because: Caaaaaaaaandy Caaaaaane......Well, that, and it really makes you terrified of saying the wrong thing on CB radios. I'd never really thought about CB radios as being agents of Satan before, but clearly: you don't want to mess with the wrong truck driver. Ooh, and there was a cool bit where Steve Zahn got impaled by something and was certifiably attached to a fence post while CB Satan bore down on him, gears-a-grinding....was a true "edge-of-my-seat" moment.
2002
BLUE CRUSH
The premise: Chicks can surf, too!
It's awful because: Michelle Rodriquez was cast as a female character. And that whole "we grew here, you flew here" phrase would have been EPIC had it been left in the hands of an extra with better acting skills - as this wasn't the case, it was the best awful moment in the movie.
I loved it because: Chicks can surf, too! And they can also dress up pretty in the off hours. And it followed the familiar movie formula that holds that the prettiest girl on the team is also the best surfer. I like my teen surfer-chick movies predictable. I would have loved the movie less if Michelle Rodriquez had been the best surfer - it would have seemed contrary and underwhelming. AND, this was before Kate Bosworth went all skeletor and she had these really adorable cheekbones that were fun to watch. Then there was that whole message to young surfer-girl wannabes that real winners go to school, don't drink when they're underaged and stay away from skeezy boys in shifty-looking hats. So it's a movie with a strong moral compass, too.
xXx
The premise: Vin Diesel as a thrill seeker with a cool bald head and a cool neck tattoo is blackmailed into working for the US government "good guys." Badassery ensues.
It's awful because: Actually, I can't come up with a single reason this movie was awful. It was flat badass. Consider me mesmerized by the bald head and the neck tattoo.
I loved it because: Asia Argento. Where the heck did she go? She nailed that 'check me out managing to look all undressed in my fur coat and lingerie' Bond-Girlish vibe so well.
THE TIME MACHINE
The premise: Welcome to the highly evolved future. You probably ended up here by accident. You probably want to turn around and run....run.....run.....
It's awful because: Someone cast Samantha Mumba in an HG Wells adaptation. She's a one-hit pop star. One-hit pop stars probably shouldn't appear in any HG Wells adaptation that hopes to be watched earnestly. Now, if Lady Gaga had played the part, sure, then it would have been an outstanding movie. And through the entire movie (which, at 96 minutes, was probably an hour and a half too long) I kept wanting to reach through the screen, tap Guy Pearce's shoulder and tell him, "hey, um, you're taking this whole movie too seriously. It's making me uncomfortable. Knock it off."
I loved it because: Why, because of the super-evolved Jeremy Irons, of course. He was SOOOOO super-evolved he didn't even need skin to cover his spine. He was so super-evolved his eyes didn't need pupils anymore - I mean, that's just REALLY EVOLVED.
The premise: Welcome to the highly evolved future. You probably ended up here by accident. You probably want to turn around and run....run.....run.....
It's awful because: Someone cast Samantha Mumba in an HG Wells adaptation. She's a one-hit pop star. One-hit pop stars probably shouldn't appear in any HG Wells adaptation that hopes to be watched earnestly. Now, if Lady Gaga had played the part, sure, then it would have been an outstanding movie. And through the entire movie (which, at 96 minutes, was probably an hour and a half too long) I kept wanting to reach through the screen, tap Guy Pearce's shoulder and tell him, "hey, um, you're taking this whole movie too seriously. It's making me uncomfortable. Knock it off."
I loved it because: Why, because of the super-evolved Jeremy Irons, of course. He was SOOOOO super-evolved he didn't even need skin to cover his spine. He was so super-evolved his eyes didn't need pupils anymore - I mean, that's just REALLY EVOLVED.
2003
PAYCHECK
The Premise: Some sort of futuristic "reverse engineer" (I know, what the hell does that even mean??) gets paid big bucks to "forget" whatever it is he "reversed engineered" for his fancy clients. But something went wrong - now he's a fugitive with a bag of mystery trinkets instead of ridiculous amounts of cash. Oops. At least Uma Thurman is there to run around with him.
It's awful because: This was another one of those movies that paints a picture of the future as a very colorless place made of steel. I simply refuse to believe that in a hundred years (for example) we'll have eschewed colors and textiles so wholly. Nevermind that they can wipe our memories clean in the future, it just seems cruel to take away our oranges, reds, purples, greens....our velour throw pillows and shag carpet called: they don't want to be eradicated just yet.
I loved it because: Aaron Eckhart was our "rich bad guy," apparently...but he was so smarmy my sister and I really, really, really, really wanted him to turn around, look directly at the camera and flash a big, vivacious THUMBS UP at the audience each time he delivered a line. He was that smarmy. I fell in love with him just a little in this movie.
PAYCHECK
The Premise: Some sort of futuristic "reverse engineer" (I know, what the hell does that even mean??) gets paid big bucks to "forget" whatever it is he "reversed engineered" for his fancy clients. But something went wrong - now he's a fugitive with a bag of mystery trinkets instead of ridiculous amounts of cash. Oops. At least Uma Thurman is there to run around with him.
It's awful because: This was another one of those movies that paints a picture of the future as a very colorless place made of steel. I simply refuse to believe that in a hundred years (for example) we'll have eschewed colors and textiles so wholly. Nevermind that they can wipe our memories clean in the future, it just seems cruel to take away our oranges, reds, purples, greens....our velour throw pillows and shag carpet called: they don't want to be eradicated just yet.
I loved it because: Aaron Eckhart was our "rich bad guy," apparently...but he was so smarmy my sister and I really, really, really, really wanted him to turn around, look directly at the camera and flash a big, vivacious THUMBS UP at the audience each time he delivered a line. He was that smarmy. I fell in love with him just a little in this movie.
S.W.A.T.
It's awful because: It's difficult to get specific....this was just a really, really, really awful movie. Not enough action to be Die Hard-esque, not suspenseful enough to be Tom Clancy-esque. Not sexy enough to be like Tomb Raider. And the S.W.A.T. super-hero thugs were just obnoxious enough and the bad french drug kingpin just hot enough you really did want the good guys to lose. You wanted to bad guy to get away.
I loved it because: See above. Good guys you want to throw gummi bears at, bad guys you want to rub up against, Samuel L Jackson playing righteous indignation to the hilt, and a small part by Josh Charles (who rocked a pair of Levis so well in "Sports Night" he should have been their billboard spokesmodel but seemed like a glib wimp when he put on the big flack jacket). I guess we were supposed to appreciate the grit of training to be super special ops...but frankly, I just wanted to see more explosions. Not enough things exploding.
THE REAL CANCUN
The premise: MTV Spring Break, feature-length. Like The Real World, with twice as many characters and a lot more thong bikinis.
It's awful because: Even people like me with a ridiculously high threshold for pure trash can only handle watching college kids do body shots from so many different angles before you start wishing someone would just hurry up and puke already. There was the token "innocent church boy" that just came to Cancun to see some "boobies." His words. Not mine. All of the girls were blonde and cranky. They all had crushes on blonde, cranky guys with great abs. Everyone wore trucker hats.
I loved it because: There was nothing "real" about it. Lots of MTV's unique brand of "confrontation." Lots of stealing of other girls' boyfriends. And there was that whole uncomfortably self-aware way everyone Not Quite Ignored the Cameras which totally fed my inner voyeur. Hey, they even managed to work in a "happy ending." Church boy saw some boobies.
2004
CHASING LIBERTY
The premise: President's daughter wants to shake off the secret service and go party like she's in The Real Cancun. Hipster-Secret-Service-Agent-in-Disguise wins her heart, follows her around Europe.
It's awful because: Movie starts with Tom Petty's 'American Girl' playing over a montage of First Daughter trying on all manner of ugly outfits in preparation for a date with what ends up being a completely dweeby suitor in a bad sports coat. Just goes downhill from there. President's daughter *GASP* cuts her hair in an attempt at rebellion. President's daughter drinks beer and gets drunk. President's daughter goes skinny-dipping. President's daughter offers her (presumably) nationally guarded virginity and gets flat turned down.
I loved it because: Aw, happy ending. President's daughter comes back down to earth, goes off to Oxford or some other "Presidential-" caliber school and "grows up" in a semester, get the Hipster-Secret-Service-Agent-In-Disguise as a prize. It followed the teen-flick formula very precisely: girl finds love, girl is happy, girl discovers lover is not all she thought, girl gets IRATE, girl calms down and ends up with the boy in the end. All is happily ever after. Saccharine and delightful. Plus, Mandy Moore seems very comfortable in her own skin which actually makes most of her movies ridiculously watchable even if her acting is...so-so.
The premise: President's daughter wants to shake off the secret service and go party like she's in The Real Cancun. Hipster-Secret-Service-Agent-in-Disguise wins her heart, follows her around Europe.
It's awful because: Movie starts with Tom Petty's 'American Girl' playing over a montage of First Daughter trying on all manner of ugly outfits in preparation for a date with what ends up being a completely dweeby suitor in a bad sports coat. Just goes downhill from there. President's daughter *GASP* cuts her hair in an attempt at rebellion. President's daughter drinks beer and gets drunk. President's daughter goes skinny-dipping. President's daughter offers her (presumably) nationally guarded virginity and gets flat turned down.
I loved it because: Aw, happy ending. President's daughter comes back down to earth, goes off to Oxford or some other "Presidential-" caliber school and "grows up" in a semester, get the Hipster-Secret-Service-Agent-In-Disguise as a prize. It followed the teen-flick formula very precisely: girl finds love, girl is happy, girl discovers lover is not all she thought, girl gets IRATE, girl calms down and ends up with the boy in the end. All is happily ever after. Saccharine and delightful. Plus, Mandy Moore seems very comfortable in her own skin which actually makes most of her movies ridiculously watchable even if her acting is...so-so.
COLLATERAL
The premise: Tom Cruise dresses up as my dad and kills people. Seriously: Tom with the salt and pepper hair looks just like my dad. It was spooky and awesome. Like watching my dad as some sort of ruthless (and short) assassin with good suits.
It's awful because: Again: Tom Cruise.
I loved it because: How could I not love a movie that stars my dad as a ruthless assassin...???
The premise: Tom Cruise dresses up as my dad and kills people. Seriously: Tom with the salt and pepper hair looks just like my dad. It was spooky and awesome. Like watching my dad as some sort of ruthless (and short) assassin with good suits.
It's awful because: Again: Tom Cruise.
I loved it because: How could I not love a movie that stars my dad as a ruthless assassin...???
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
The premise: Due to some sort of radical scientific miscalculation the world is ending, like, TODAY, so Jake Gyllenhaal has to save Emmy Rossum.
It's awful because: It goes without saying that any disaster movie that asks us to completely suspend all belief in reality will pretty much blow. But that's where those good-looking studs over at ILM come in - they come up with ways to attempt to help us forget we've suspended all belief in reality and instead, cover the statue of liberty in ice.
I loved it because: Dennis Quaid saved the day. Or, at least, showed up at the end of the movie still living, breathing and able to walk, so he must have saved the day. I love Dennis Quaid. He's wry and charming and lends a certain smug believability to those "suspend your belief" movies. In the end, though, I love all disaster movies. Except Deep Impact. I hated Deep Impact. That stupid "let's stand in front of the ocean and welcome death" scene was lame. I'd rather watch that terrible piece of disaster cinema "Volcano" where LA erupts before I'd watch Deep Impact again. Now Armageddon, that's a different story. But I could write an entire page on the many ways I love Bruce Willis' hairline, so we'll leave it there.
2005
RUMOR HAS IT
The premise: The Jennifer Aniston discovers her family probably inspired The Graduate. Finds The Kevin Costner who started it all, sleeps with him, ultimately decides to marry The Mark Ruffalo.
It's awful because: Many reasons, really - most of them having to do with Jennifer Aniston. Sure, she looks great in clothes. Sure, her hair is really healthy and shiny and her skin is a perfect shade of sun-kissed...but is has there been a single movie she's starred in where she hasn't just played Jennifer Aniston? Sure, the other actors can call her character Polly or Kristen, or Jane, but what they really mean is "Hey Jennifer."
I loved it because: I've spent my life as a Kevin Costner Hater. We all watched Waterworld, we all have license to hate Kevin Costner. But in this movie, he wasn't trying to be brave, or smoldering, or (particularly) historic or valiant or even interesting - he was just this sort of aging guy with thinning hair that got to nail The Jennifer Aniston...and her mother...and The Shirley MacLaine - and in that understated sort of context, he actually managed to be charming and gracious and even sexy. And THAT is something I will never again admit to admitting.
The premise: The Jennifer Aniston discovers her family probably inspired The Graduate. Finds The Kevin Costner who started it all, sleeps with him, ultimately decides to marry The Mark Ruffalo.
It's awful because: Many reasons, really - most of them having to do with Jennifer Aniston. Sure, she looks great in clothes. Sure, her hair is really healthy and shiny and her skin is a perfect shade of sun-kissed...but is has there been a single movie she's starred in where she hasn't just played Jennifer Aniston? Sure, the other actors can call her character Polly or Kristen, or Jane, but what they really mean is "Hey Jennifer."
I loved it because: I've spent my life as a Kevin Costner Hater. We all watched Waterworld, we all have license to hate Kevin Costner. But in this movie, he wasn't trying to be brave, or smoldering, or (particularly) historic or valiant or even interesting - he was just this sort of aging guy with thinning hair that got to nail The Jennifer Aniston...and her mother...and The Shirley MacLaine - and in that understated sort of context, he actually managed to be charming and gracious and even sexy. And THAT is something I will never again admit to admitting.
ELIZABETHTOWN
The premise: depressed wimpy guy goes on a road trip with his father's ashes. Meets one of those free-spirited, says-what-she-really-means movie characters that don't exist in real life, falls in love with her. The end.
It's awful because: It tried to be Garden State.
I loved it because: almost every line was so quotably bad (whether from a weak script or from really horrible acting or both...probably both) I sort of loved all of its weird, spectactularly overt, graceless attempts at introspection. There was nothing moving, inspiring or even remotely cerebral about this movie - it was obtuse as they come - but that was part of its magic. A charmless movie that thought itself very charming. Thanks, Kirsten Dunst for such a genuinely bland, forgettable vehicle in which Orlando Bloom managed to seem almost appealing.
The premise: depressed wimpy guy goes on a road trip with his father's ashes. Meets one of those free-spirited, says-what-she-really-means movie characters that don't exist in real life, falls in love with her. The end.
It's awful because: It tried to be Garden State.
I loved it because: almost every line was so quotably bad (whether from a weak script or from really horrible acting or both...probably both) I sort of loved all of its weird, spectactularly overt, graceless attempts at introspection. There was nothing moving, inspiring or even remotely cerebral about this movie - it was obtuse as they come - but that was part of its magic. A charmless movie that thought itself very charming. Thanks, Kirsten Dunst for such a genuinely bland, forgettable vehicle in which Orlando Bloom managed to seem almost appealing.
BRIDE & PREJUDICE
The premise: Bollywood does Jane Austen! Song and dance numbers! Bhangra tunes! Appearance by Ashanti (huh?????)!
It's awful because: I think they hired models from Preference Hair Color boxes to do the acting. They all had really nice hair, really toothy smiles and all the believability of a cardboard box. And Jane Austen just doesn't translate well for modern storytelling purposes - it feels antiquated and uncomfortably chaste, even WITH fantastic song and dance numbers.
I loved it because: "No life without wife." The most horrible song and dance number in the entire movie. It'll stick in your head for years and years and years with such vicious monotony you'll want to throw on Elizabethtown to clear your brain up. And did I mention Ashanti made a guest appearance and sang a heinous song about India being "the place for her."
2006
POSEIDON:
The premise: Monster wave (ooh, ahh!) capsizes cruise ship. Everyone dies (except for a plucky team of good looking winners that refuse to let the ocean make them her bitch). Kurt Russell dies. Also, Emmy Rossum swims around with excellent cleavage (which is starting to look like one of my criteria for movies I love: breasts. Innnnnnteresting.....)
It's awful because: It goes without saying that if it's a disaster movie starring good looking people, impressive special effects and rousing heroics it's probably also got a horrible script, some really fabricated romantic chemistry and at least one child actor. That makes for a pretty awful movie right there.
I loved it because: We get to see the inner bowels of a giant cruise ship! Upside down! And Andre Braugher (whom we see too seldom these days) turns in a small part as the Captain determined to go down with his upside down ship. So really, he's just this movie's version of George Clooney (see: A Perfect Storm). I would have loved it a little more if Ashanti had made an appearance. No - wait - Beyonce. Or Samantha Mumba? Maybe Kylie. That cruise ship was short one pop star cameo.
JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE
The premise: Triple-timing high school stud gets caught - the jilted girls team up to "teach him one." Of course most anyone who's seen the movie will simply remember "the gardener" from Desperate Housewives in a red G-string.
It's awful because: I'm fairly certain that all (ALL) high-school movies starring actors pushing 30 are rarely convincing, never really nail the spirit of high school and always end happily with the less popular students toppling conventional high school social politics to land on top. They feature girls dressed like movie stars rather than students and people like Jenny McCarthy masquerading as their mothers.
It's awful because: I'm fairly certain that all (ALL) high-school movies starring actors pushing 30 are rarely convincing, never really nail the spirit of high school and always end happily with the less popular students toppling conventional high school social politics to land on top. They feature girls dressed like movie stars rather than students and people like Jenny McCarthy masquerading as their mothers.
I loved it because: See above. Girl with less-than-perfectly-shiny-hair topples conventional high school social politics and rises to the top. AND there's a cake fight in the end. And my hollywood doppelganger Sophia Bush gets some great outfits. ALSO: Ashanti's in this one, too. Another theme in movies I love: Pop stars. Apparently.
SNAKES ON A PLANE:
The premise: see above
It's awful because: see above
I loved it because: see above*
*this movie was rad.
2007
MUSIC AND LYRICS:
The premise: Washed up has-been pop star (hey, THEME) gets hired to write song for vapid, "hot-right-now" pop star. Enlists the help of Drew Barrymore's wit to get the song written.
It's awful because: There's this funny idea in Hollywood that it's a good idea to cast Hugh Grant in romantic comedies. I'm not sure where this funny idea first lifted off, because he patently lacks, in my mind, ANY and ALL romantic chemistry with any-and everyone he's ever been cast alongside. Same goes for Drew Barrymore. So, you throw the two of them together and you have the chemistry equivalent of watching a couple of first cousins wonder what it would be like to make out with each other (while being perfectly witty and entertaining, mind you, but that doesn't help assuage the creepy).
I loved it because: The catchy little ditty "Pop goes my heart" stays stuck in your head for days. In a delightfully UN-irritating way. You hum it, you pop your hip out a bit doing the Hugh Grant dance while styling your hair in the morning....it's a fun tune. And I was a sucker for the banter about the lyrics. And the fact that the entire movie is a thinly veiled stab at Wham! makes it fun in that VHI Pop-up Video sort of way. It's cute. It's innoffensive. It's like a popsicle on steroids. Requires very little comittment.
DISTURBIA
The premise: A rear window update. Kid suspects the next door neighbor is a serial killer. Uh oh: turns out he's right.
It's awful because: It devolves into a hokey bloodbath much too quickly. It abandons "eerie" and plunges headlong into "gory." It relies on the wiles of a kid under house arrest to fell the rather hulking Killer Next Door. And I know Shia can kick his fair share of Bad Guy Ass, but this is a little too "Full House meets Friday the 13th" for my taste.
I loved it because: I love the LeBeouf. He's cute. Has nice lips. Weak chin, but he makes it work. Pretty decent actor, actually - has a sort of casually self-deprecating streak that I find pretty endearing. Oh - wait - this is about the MOVIE, not the LeBeouf. Hmmm - ok. So, there were some good "make you jump" moments (things popping out of dark hallways, spooky lurking killers showing up in unexpected places....). I like the occassional make-you-jump moment. And the LeBeouf.
THE TEN
The premise: 10 bizarro vignettes loosely based on (er, inspired by? or containing verbiage similar to?) The Ten Commandments. Narrated by everyone's favorite Paul Rudd.
It's awful because: There was this entirely unnecessary "side story" going on between the vignettes that had something to do with Famke Janssen breaking up with Paul Rudd. She was really uncomfortable to watch. It was obviously just filler to stretch the movie out to a requisite 96 minutes. And also, the movie itself - with the strange little vignettes involving Wynona Ryder, marionettes, and jail rape (not necessarily in that order) weren't REALLY all that funny.
I loved it because: The CAT Scan Machine episode more than made up for the "Adam Brody stuck in the ground" bit. "Thou shalt not covet" was the basis for an absolutely upsurd example of "Keeping up with the Joneses" at it's most abstract. One guy buys a CAT Scan machine. His neighbor gets jealous - he won't be outdone by Bob's CAT scan machine, he'll get one of his own. This goes back and forth with a house full of CAT scan machines purchased on both sides. It's bizarre. And hilarous. And makes up for the whole "Winona Ryder grinding on a puppet" episode, too.
2008
MAD MONEY
The premise: Diane Keaton, Queen Latifa and Katie Holmes rip off the federal reserve. Yes, you read that right.
It's awful because: Well, the entire thing was filmed in their best guess recreation of what the inside of the Fed looks like, so it was pretty awful to watch. Lots of linoleum, that sort of thing. Also - the whole idea of "rich blue blood is forced to go to work as a janitor to keep her Ted Danson husband in cigars" is pretty unforgiveable right there. Please. Work experience or no work experience, if you haul your best Coach bag and Armani slacks into an interview SOMEONE out there will hire your middle-aged self, regardless. Look nice, smile sweetly, some sucker will give you a chance. Promise. And it probably won't be "a chance to clean toilets inside the federal reserve."
I loved it because: There were some unexpected giggles in this one. And Queen Latifah gets her man. And they all live happily ever after. With lots of money. It was fluff - but I was expecting really poorly scripted, hideously overacted (Diane Keaton's signature these days) fluff - instead, it was actually reasonably funny - surprise! No pop stars, no Michelle Rodriquez, no Tom Cruise and no catchy soundtrack, no Dawson's creek alum - just a surprisingly smart "heist caper." Believe it or not.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
The premise: Ummmm, I think we all know how this movie works, it's been remade about 74 times.
It's awful because: They continue to think we'll be impressed by the act of nice guy "becoming" the Hulk. Six or seven times during the movie. And - I know, it's a movie, BUT - there's no way any woman would put up with that whole "I'm a nice and romantic guy - NO - WAIT - I'm ANGRY....I'm GREEN....I COULD KILL YOU BY BREATHING ON YOU TOO HARD - wait, no, sorry - got it under control - I'm back to meek, nerdy guy - WHOA - WAIT - I'm ANGRY AGAIN" and the whole "government coming to take you away" icing on the rage cake. So, to believe that the likes of Liv Tyler would put up with it: as believable as Hugh Grant is sexy.
I loved it because: Tim Roth really brought it. I mean, the movie could have been called The Incredible Tim Roth and I would have been all over that action. As it was, he was strangely magnetizing....stole the show. Really displayed the ultimate form of male envy - one guy gets to be a huge, deformed science experiment - so not to be outdone Tim Roth becomes a huge, deformed science experiment. Except where the Hulk gets the short end of the stick and turns green when angry, Tim Roth got the (much more menacing) flesh tone. So cool.
NIGHTS IN RODANTHE
The Premise: Diane Lane picks the wrong man. Fiiiiiine, that's just my unadulturated adoration for Christopher Meloni bleeding through. But really: angry doctor with big time issues comes to vacant bed and breakfast, finds innkeeper fetching. Big storm comes to town, they "fall in love."
It's awful because: Diane Lane picks the wrong man. Richard Gere's page has finally turned from "silver fox" to "guy hangin in there as best he can...and slipping..." The script was horrible, the characters wholly unlikeable, the big haunted-house bed and breakfast was the only character you had any love for - and there wasn't nearly enough Christopher Meloni. Not nearly. MAJOR casting mistake to expect us to believe any woman is going to say, "No, no thanks Christopher Meloni, I'd rather go brood with this less good-looking, more issue-riddled Richard Gere character."
I loved it because: It really was LAUGHABLY bad. Horrifically bad. And if a movie is so horrible you giggle (think "First Knight.") it's automatically on my list of favorites. If the characters are so two-dimensional, the love scenes so uncomfortable to watch, the conflict so stale and manufactured: I'll buy it.
2009
THE PROPOSAL
The premise: Hot shot executive with great shoes marries lowly assistant with great abs to keep from being deported to CANADA (yes, CANADA). Cue the laugh track.
It's awful because: I like to believe most of us would actually snap at the chance to get deported to Canada. So clean there. So friendly.
I loved it because: Craig T. Nelson! Craig T. Nelson! Err...actually, yes. And Mary Steenburgen. And Sandra Bullock's Christian Louboutins. And a terrific scene involving a fluffy puppy and a hungry eagle. And an even better scene involving some "chanting around a campfire" that invoked Lil John's "Get Low" lyrics in a uniquely difficult-to-watch capacity.
GI Joe: the rise of cobra
The Premise: Couldn't tell ya if I wanted to. No clue.
It's awful because: Couldn't tell ya what the movie was about if I wanted to. And all of the guys in the movie looked identical (reasons I know I'm getting older: the hot-bodied twenty-something heartthrobs all look alike - and none of them look as good as Christopher Meloni. But apparently there was something about Super-Soldiers being trained to fight. And a Cobra. Er...yeah.
I loved it because: The special effects were pretty top notch. And Sienna Miller makes a badass brunette (though I always feel like I have to be told that I'm watching Sienna Miller - whether it's because she's so blandly vanilla, or because she's chamelion-like in her ability to "melt" into a role - this was no exception. If I hadn't seen her name in the credits, I would have had no idea I was watching a movie with Sienna Miller in it. Incidentally, speaking of Sienna Miller, my sister has a friend that moved to New York to be an actress and has actually become friends with Ms Miller - was actually invited to Thanksgiving Dinner with Ms Miller - a Thanksgiving dinner that none other than Jude Law attended, by the way. How 'bout that).
2012
The Premise: earth's crust destabilizing = end of the world. Good thing Woody Harrelson saw it coming. Also good: John Cusack is around to offer an "everyman's glimpse of the apocalypse."
It's awful because: The earth's crust apparently also has a moral compass. And if you've been "naughty" the earth will make sure you Get in It's Belly before the film's through. The stingy rich guy that forced his mistress to get implants: DEAD! The mistress with the implants (who happened to be cheating on stingy guy with good looking Russian-Mafia type): DEAD! The well-intentioned step father to John Cusack's children who nonetheless tried to take his place in the family: DEAD (but, a little later in the movie because he was less morally flawed). Oh - and because the movie got too long and they wasted their ILM budget in the first hour, the ending of the movie went something like this: "Oh, hey, by the way, we totally miscalculated and the earth didn't self-destruct - let's all go to Africa and re-colonize!"
I loved it because: It's a well-established fact that I love disaster porn and this was the filthiest variety. We got to watch Los Angeles collapse into itself - glass skyscrapers toppled, obliterated, turned to pixie dust in mere seconds. It was beautiful, horrific....and, er....laughable.
Now then - here's to another decade of horrible movies: those are the sort that keep my DVD library well-stocked.
