Someone needs to take Carrie's cell phone away.

I don't care how similarly-shaped their chins are - Carrie Underwood is Barbie-Perfect and Barbies should know better. Barbies don't date inarticulate super-human neo-celebs with perpetually pruned fingers and toes and lunatic mommies...I don't care which party initiated the "text message romance," but for the love of Flipper, please Perfect-Carrie - step AWAY from Michael Phelps...pass him off to Hollywood's other single super-chin, Jennifer Aniston (and you thought I'd say Rumer Willis...)

The one thing I can give Flipper is that he had the good sense to suggest their first date be something unrelated to eating. Apparently he's afraid he'd scare her off if she saw him eat too soon. I can only imagine that watching a grown man pick up an entire pizza, fold it in half calzone-style and shove it down the gullet for an appetizer would engender something other than lust in the average girl.

And let's be frank - the man waxes more of his body than even the average Barbie-Perfect-Starlet waxes...and that prune-skin thing...I can only imagine how delightful it would be to snuggle up to something clammy and chlorinated after a long day in the studio. AND (as long as I'm picking Flipper apart and giving him more screen time than I ought for a guy that I am as patently disinterested as I am in Michael Phelps...) are we forgetting about his...um...face? He may be chiseled from stone from the traps down, but, um...can we say Fieval Mousekewitz? My apologies if this is "unAmerican" of me to call the hunk bluff here (afterall, even Amanda Beard recanted her "eww!" comment since it was eschewed as "mocking.") but come on, we can't ALL want to marry the guy and have his web-footed super-babies. Can we really say that if we saw his face flashed on a billboard and had NO IDEA who the man was that we'd be so slack-jawed and weak-kneed? Carrie, Carrie, Carrie....

Maybe I'm debasing two young American legands here (Carrie's legendary as far as I'm concerned, gold medals or no gold medals), but Carrie...I hate to use this analogy (because it just fits too well) - but there are plenty of other FISH. IN. THE. SEA. Even gold-medal-winning fish, if that's her taste.

Ms Underwood's phone keeps getting her into trouble. If she's not being flip about calls from her ex (and how quickly did Jess jump to dispel the idea that Tony would so much as SPEAK to another woman?), she's texting her way into what could well become the most overexposed several dates in American history.