Holy gaming problem, batman (and also: why the food in my kitchen would survive a nuclear holocaust)

On the topic of things unnatural, an "obese Chinese man" collapsed and died after a 7-day online gaming marathon. The reason he'd stayed in front of the computer for 7 days straight: "There are only two options. TV or computer. What else can I do in the holiday as all markets, KTV and cafeterias are shut down?" Apparently the markets and cafeterias close down around the 7-day celebration of Lunar New Year, and this poor soul, when left with no dining-out options, decided to spend 7 days in front of the computer.

Sigh.

I don't know what's more unnatural: that he played computer games until he died or that he couldn't last 7 days without the markets and cafeterias and so essentially killed himself. Death by online gaming over-stimulation. Not the first time I've heard of this sort of thing, either. A Korean youth died several years ago after a massive online gaming competition during which he sat in front of a computer for 50 hours straight. Taiwan reports several similar deaths, all cite heart failure stemming from exhaustion as the cause, as most of the gamers (all men in their 20's) would sleep for extremely short spells and only get up to use the restroom.

So this got me thinking: Jack Bauer hasn't used this technique yet. Sure, maybe it's not as instantly menacing as ol' bags-over-the-head or knives-through-the-kneecap or broken fingers or chemical cocktails. BUT - it's creative. And it would make me giggle to hear the Jack Bauer yell "I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU PLAY THE SIMS FOR 100 HOURS BUT I WILL DO IT IF IT HELPS ME FIND THAT BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or "PICK UP THE JOYSTICK AND PLAY, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!" Hey, I'd love to see a scary terror-monger cowering in fear at the sight of an iMac. Or an angry CTU suit demanding another Jack resignation because he subjected the wrong bad guy to "Rise of Nations IV"

But enough of that. More about my kitchen cupboards.

I was standing in the kitchen the other day, innocently snacking on a handful of Fruity Pebbles (my theory on cereal: why allow it to get soggy: don't ruin it with milk in the first place) when I realized the sell-by date on the top of the box said July 08, 2009. That in itself is pretty impressive. Way-to-be, Post cereal, for creating a product that could rival a Twinkie's shelf-life. That got me curious. What else in my kitchen is designed to sit on a shelf until Jesus comes back?

• Campbell's "Thick & Hearty: SIRLOIN BURGER" soup, for one (mmmmm....)

• Easy Cheeze (White Cheddar!)

• Crystal Lite (my great-grandchildren will be able to enjoy a refreshing glass of "Strawberry Sunrise" long after I'm gone)

• Green Olives (check on that jar in the back of your fridge that you bought for making martinis on New Year's Eve five years ago: they're still fine and tasty and green as ever. Promise)

• Generic "Butter Flavored" popcorn (probably good for eating during a marathon online gaming championship. It'll outlast you..)
  
  
• Ginger Ale (I think I'll leave it for whomever moves into my apartment once I've moved out)
  
  
• Marshmallows. Unopened, I think their jet-puffed tastiness lasts for about 27 years.
  
  
• JIF peanut butter
  
  
• Bisquick

The list could go on...but startling to realize some of my groceries are built to last better than the people that buy them. And yes, there is a fridge full of nice, edible food (white wine, dill pickles, salsa, provolone; the essentials), but comforting to know in the event this early daylight savings causes computers to freak out and send us back to the dark ages (and the people that buried gold in their back yard fearing Y2K will be the gods among us) I'll be able to live happily on popcorn, easy cheeze, and marshmallows. mmmmmmm......