MegaMonthofCountdowns WRAP-UP - My top 10 wishes for YOU in the new year

Happy New Year!

Do we remember last year when I made my non-resolutions? Things of little consequence like "eat more steak" or "have a really good kiss" or "listen to better music" or "wear pretty panties" and things like that? Yeah - that was a success. As in, I think I tackled all of them. And -- YES -- that smug sense of self-satisfaction is alive and well.

This year, let's mix it up.

Whoever you are, wherever you're reading from, however often you stop by and whatever brings you in this blog's general direction: I have some New Year's wishes for you. Let's wrap up my 2010 countdowns in earnest. With hope. In anticipation of a beautiful new year filled with opportunities for happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment, CHAMPAGNE and all of the love you can wrap your heart around.

#10 - Love people.
Want to have an amazing new year? Want to see the world (and your life) improve dramatically? Get selfless. This year love others more, without any regard for what's in it for you. Pour yourself out for people who expect it the least. Love where you're likely to get nothing in return. Get altruistic. Find someone less fortunate and do something amazing in their lives. Give a gift. Give your time. Give your energy. Get outside of yourself. Love others first.

#9 - Go for it. 
Whatever "it" is for you. You deserve bliss. Contentment. Satisfaction. And the means to seize it are within your grasp. New job? Go for it. Love? Go for it. Fit into those old jeans? Go for it. We're on this earth for a tiny, finite number of years and I'll be damned if I believe we're supposed to suffer through those years without making a play for the best we can possibly snag for ourselves and the people we love. You deserve it this year, every year, for the rest of your life. Your "it" will be different from my "it" and and "it" may change from year to year, but every day brings the opportunity to choose to make "it" happen for ourselves. Choose to go for it.

#8 - Believe you're worth it.
Guess what: you're beautiful. Unique. Amazing. Brilliant. Talented. Unlike anyone else on this planet, capable of things no one else is capable of, put here on this earth, in this country, with this family for such a time as THIS. You're the only you. And YOU, just as you are at this moment, are worth being loved and cherished and valued. Be proud of yourself. Be proud to be YOU, and no one else. You've earned it. You've accomplished it. You've created it. You deserve it. Glory in the small things that make you DIFFERENT from everyone else on this globe. Relish the things that set you apart. It's never the end of the road, there are always more choices, every day is brand new and YOU (yes, you!) are just the way you are for a very specific reason. You're WORTH love and blessings and joy and a rich, incredible life. Believe it.

#7 - Laugh every day
Laugh at yourself, laugh at someone else, laugh because it WILL make you feel better - doesn't matter to me how you get your giggles, just do it. Daily. Make this the year that you find an honest-to-goodness reason to laugh every single day.

#6 - Buy good jeans.
So, about that rich, incredible life full of joy that I was talking about? Yeah, make a good pair of jeans part of that. There's something to be said for the self-image boost and extra infusion of feel-good you can get from sliding into a pair of Really Great Jeans. Find a pair that makes your backside look picture perfect and make your legs feel great and wear the hell out of those things. You deserve it, remember? And those "What Not To Wear" people would be so proud of you. Think it's vain and petty? That just means you need their benefit that much more. Because the second you strut out of the house in something that makes you feel good enough about yourself you absolutely KNOW everyone is checking you out, you won't think it's petty any more. Just worth the investment.

#5 - Eat more steak.
It's self-indulgent and hardly heart-healthy. But then when you're staring at that menu and thinking "uh, I guess a salad would help me fit in those jeans I just splurged on a little more easily," you can override that boringly practical inclination with "But I resolved to eat more steak. Guess I gotta stick to my resolutions." And then order it very, very rare. Because Heather told you to (and she's going to try to work steak into every resolution for the rest of eternity. So there).

#4 - Forgive.
Whatever happened, happened. We can't go back and re-do it, we can't undo it, we can only move forward, learn from it, overcome it, and live each day that much smarter because of it. Don't waste time looking back at things you wish you could change. Don't ruin today by carrying yesterdays along on your back. Don't miss a wonderful opportunity because you're looking over your shoulder. Don't beat yourself up over things that can't be taken back. Just forgive. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself the freedom to walk away with your head up, with the wind at your back, with a smile on your face and with the wisdom that comes from having lived through it. Apologize. Accept an apology. Find warmth in grace and mercy. Move on. Leave last year in the dust. Make plans for tomorrow. ENJOY TODAY.

#3 - Live every day like it's Thanksgiving.
You're blessed. Truly. You're living. Breathing. Loved.  There are sunsets to watch. There's wine to drink. There are kisses to share. Hugs to give. Races to run. Beaches to comb. Alarm clocks to snooze. Sunrises to catch. Wind that's yet to blow through your hair. Songs that have yet to get stuck in your head. Good days you haven't even dreamed would land in your lap. Don't live like it's your last day on earth - live like you've been alive, you're going to be alive, you're lucky to be alive and the little things -- like a warm cup of coffee on a cold morning, a good talk with a friend, a smile from that good-looking stranger -- they're all right in front of us all day. Stop, enjoy the blue skies, the thunderstorms, the matching bra and panty set no one knows  you're wearing, the promotion you earned, the vacation you're able to take, the little blessings that make life beautiful. This year, Give Thanks.

#2 - Trim your split ends*
*Otherwise, your hair will look like mine.

#1 - Pray.
And I'll pray for you, too. I may not have met you. I may never meet you. I may not know the first thing about you. But I know and I believe from the tops of my split-ended hair to the bottoms of my badly-in-need-of-a-pedicure toes that there is a God. And my God loves me. And loves You. And would delight in nothing more than the opportunity to know you, protect you, nurture you, spare you, bless you, cry with you, comfort you, strengthen you, and surprise you. Hey, give Him a chance. Chat with Him this year. You'll be surprised how He'll chat right back.

Happy New Year, You!

Here's to the best year we've ever had. For every single one of us.

Cheers!

Now go pop that bubbly.

MegaMonthofCountdowns #7 - 10 Greatest celebrity moments of 2010

I'll put it this way:

I don't care about Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson. They're never going to make my list of "great" celebrity moments. We'll call them "expensive celebrity moments" because that whole Thinking With the Wrong Head problem all of them seem to have has cost them, collectively, MILLIONS of dollars in divorce settlements, alimony, child support, attorney's fees, damage control: you name it.

HOWEVER - there were some delightful moments in celebrity gossip this year. Also delightful: none of them involved any of the Kardashians. Incidentally (side trip, side trip) I watched my first episodes of "Keeping up the the Kardashians" this weekend. Bruce Jenner came out looking like a) a melting man and b) the most normal ditz in the household. Thank HEAVENS he pulled his 11 year-old off the stripper pole AND had the good sense to fire the highly unusual "nanny" his pea-brained (but preturnatually preserved) wife hired for them so that he could golf all and she could lay around at the spa. Also odd: why do middle school-aged girls NEED a nanny? Answer: they don't, but it seemed like a great stunt to pull for reality TV production purposes.

BUT ANYWAY - this year's gossip.

How 'bout this - I'll save my FAVORITE (and latest-breaking item!) for the #1 slot. Add a little suspense to the journey.

#10 - Blondes bought boyfriends

Both LeAnn Rimes and Jessica Simpson (and, we could probably argue to a similar extent, Reese Witherspoon) spent most of the year parading their unemployed man pieces around the globe. Italy, Mexico, Hawaii, you name it. Both blondes are doing pretty well for themselves. Neither boyfriend is discernibly employed and both are living VERY comfortably off of their blondes. But there are, apparently, perks to having bought your boyfriend: you get design rights when it comes time to buy yourself that engagement ring and act "shocked!" when he hits you up for a chance to borrow the ring and present it back to you. LeAnn's engagement came after MONTHS of faux-bended-knee Twitter antics and shocked no one. Jessica's engagement came minutes after Nick Lachey popped the question to longtime girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo and also shocked no one.

#9 - Sex went animatronic

Last spring, it was hard to decide which story ate up more gossip blog real estate: the fact that the Sex & The City sequel was supposed to be horrifically bad, the fact that we couldn't escape the Sex ladies for, oh, NINE MONTHS leading up to the premier, OR the fact that every poster for the movie featured practically unrecognizable, not-quite-human, horrifically PhotoShopped versions of the actresses that left their bodies looking eerily waxy and their faces pretty much....rearranged. Sort of like Johnny Depp's animatronic doppelganger in the Pirates of the Caribbean Disneyland ride. With better shoes. But really, this was just one more chink in the armor of advertising authenticity. I mean, none of us really believe that Julia Roberts still looks like this, right?

Or how about this work done to Madonna?

(thanks to Celebitchy for the images)
So, the movie made a few bucks, was epically lampooned in the media and probably managed to finally kill the cash cow Sex franchise. But in this case I prefer to think Sarah Jessica Parker's digitally maneuvered eyeballs did most of the work. Seriously. Check 'em out.

#8 - The breasts that answer to the name Christina Hendricks bounced down a lot of red carpets

Seriously, her breasts had a great year. Because, pardon my pandering to incredibly obvious cliches that have been done to death already, we refer to this gorgeous redhead as Christina Hendricks, but actually, her breasts are named Christina Hendricks and the rest of her is just the body attached to the breasts known as Christina Hendricks.

Anyway - the rack had a great year. So did the rest of the cast of Mad Men. HOWEVER - where January Jones did her fair share of interviews and came out sounding like a half-wit, and where Elizabeth Moss ended up looking good but was ultimately wholly overshadowed by the Scientology divorce she went through from SNL's Fred Armisen, Christina Hendricks managed to endear herself to everyone on the face of the earth, yours truly very much included. In interviews she came off as gracious and warm and normal, she's ridiculously good-looking, she and her husband seem to adore one another - it was a good year to be the breasts that answer to Christina Hendricks. And anywhere she went, people snapped pictures of her as though they'd never seen a woman with giant bosoms wearing an evening gown. She headlined every fashion piece on the gossip sites for the better part of the fall. No complaints here. I was fascinated with her basically lame styling. Pretty girl, lovely dresses, bad hair and makeup. 

#7 - Kanye continued his reign

Fine, I guess I just look for random excuses to reference Kanye. The guy's douche cup runeth over in the most delightful way......lots of Hennessy-fueled all-caps rants against Matt Lauer this year. I have no real opinion on Matt Lauer one way or the other, so we'll err on the side of Kanye - he MUST have disrespected the King.

HOWEVER - my favorite piece of Kanye gossip this year came on the heels of George W's admission that having Kanye call him a racist was one of the darkest times of his presidency. We'd expect more twitter-indignation from Big K. But nope. Here's a snippet from Entertainment Weekly that describes it pretty well:

Kanye West has responded to former president George W. Bush’s recent statement regarding his controversial post-Hurricane Katrina remarks. West’s surprising reply: Now that five years have gone by, he can sympathize more with the man he once said “doesn’t care about black people.”

Bush recently told Matt Lauer that hearing West say those words during a Hurricane Katrina benefit telethon was “a disgusting moment.” He recalled telling his wife at the time that West’s comments were in fact the single worst moment of his presidency. Today, an interviewer from a Houston radio station asked West for his thoughts on the matter.

“I definitely can understand the way he feels, to be accused of being a racist in any way, because the same thing happened to me, where I got accused of being a racist,” West replied, referring to the aftermath of his run-in with Taylor Swift last fall. “For both situations, it was basically a lack of compassion that America felt in that situation. With him, it was a lack of compassion of him not rushing, him not taking the time to rush down to New Orleans. For me, it was a lack of compassion of cutting someone off in their moment. But nonetheless, I think we’re all quick to pull a race card in America. And now I’m more open, and the poetic justice that I feel, to have went through the same thing that he went [through] — and now I really more connect with him on just a humanitarian level.”

I like that. It was the least arrogant Big K's ever sounded. Like a human being with a soul. Most of the time I think he was born without one. Part of why I dig the guy - he's arrogant and soulless and so completely unashamed of himself, he's a strange anthropological anomaly. Let's see - he also threw a hissy fit when his album art was banned from Walmart. And there were rumours floating around that his no-strings-attached dalliances with Kim Kardashian had resulted in what would absolutely be the most mal-adjusted fame-whore love child known to man. Untrue, those rumours, but worth a chuckle. Anyway - after laying low for the first few months of the year, he came back in true Bastard form and kept himself in the headlines for embarrassing antics for the second half of 2010.

#6 - The Best Actress Curse struck again

So, actually, Sandra's big win and big heartbreak was one of the biggest gossip stories of the year. And, of course, it brought up the sad fact that a Best Actress win is, apparently, about as good for a marriage as inviting a tattooed, racist hooker into your bedroom as a birthday present to your husband. Oh, wait - that actually happened?

Anyway - Sandra went gracefully underground, resurfaced to file for the quickest, least-contested divorce in the history of Tattooed Hooker Interloping History, and even managed to find time to adopt a cute, cookie-faced little kid in the process. Because nothing says "I'm fabulous and over you" like...a rebound baby. Hmmm. But that's not the point. The point is that the Best Actress curse resurfaced in the news. And to look back over this, I'd say this year's contenders should probably make their men sign some sort of contract along the lines of "If I win, you'll still love me." Or whatever. The list of other Best Actress winners who have lost the lovers within days, weeks, or months of winning? Long. Sandra Bullock, Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Helen Hunt, Julia Roberts. Gweneth Paltrow.

Yikes.

So, what's the deal - did all of these chicks decide to bring the Gold Man to bed with them afterward? Maybe. Only Gweneth Paltrow (with Ben Affleck at the time) was hooked up with a man who's star power was anywhere near the same level. Chad Lowe, Hank Azaria, Jesse James, Benjamin Bratt, anyone? Didn't think so.


#5 - Canalooney still exists

 Man, this chick really locked it down. I mean, she's spent more than a year as George Clooney's main piece (a record as far as the rest of the world is concerned). She's survived Jennifer-Bashing, survived rumours that she was issuing marriage ultimatums and threatening to get knocked up. She survived stealing the light from Clooney's eyes. I guess girlfriend is here to stay.

To her credit, she does have an INSANE body. Ridiculous legs, abs to die for - a tan that I envy the daylights out of. Seriously. As of today, it's been 11 weeks since I've locked myself down in a "Sun Coffin" and it's about all I can do to keep myself from bolting for the door and making a rush on my favorite Death by UV Palace. The lily white thighs, the pale, pink face. It's killing me. But I digress. I felt pretty damn clever when I coined the Canalooney moniker, half thinking I would end up causing their demise by virtue of my singular cleverness. It sounded like something you could order up at an Olive Garden. But back to Our Lady of the Manly Face. Some gossip sites have suggested that George has a latent Cindy Crawford hangup. Apparently Canalooney vacation with the Crawfords fairly regularly...and, as a few have pointed out, Elisabetta does look strikingly like Cindy herself. Interesting.

Ya know - cruising through pictures of these two reminds me of the fact that I have never really gotten on board with any George Clooney fantasies. Never imagined Sexy Times with George. Never held him up as a paragon of sex appeal. He's charming enough. Handsome enough. Likeable. But I just don't get any...tingly feelings for the guy. But anyway - 2010 came and went and Canalooney persists yet. Color me shocked.

#4 - Heidi Montag stayed upright. Also, she has scars.

This was a big year for Heidi. She was nip-tucked into oblivion and then mocked and ridiculed to a degree I've seen few "celebrities" mocked and ridiculed. She went through a "possibly/maybe/huh?" separation then reconciliation with her crazy-ugly faux husband. Her cosmetic surgeon died. Her show ended. Oh -- and all of those surgeries she underwent at the beginning of the year? They left scars. And caused pain. And took awhile to heal.

I dunno, I can't help it, I don't hate this girl (much the way I don't hate Ke$ha. It's inexplicable). She's what happens when supremely insecure women land themselves enough money and come up enough short on common sense that they think they can actually cure their self-esteem issues with cosmetic procedures, then discover it takes longer to heal than they expect, and before they know it, their reality-show husbands have to help them pull down their daisy dukes to pee. Yep.

She aligned herself with a sociopathic egotist who managed to make her feel worthless enough she actually thought she deserved to stay with him. She went broke. She sold her story to tabloids and staged fake breakups to snag a little cash. It's like everything that could possibly go wrong for an unexpected "reality starlet" went wrong for this girl. And somehow, bless her, she keeps turning up to photo ops in tiny dresses with a smile on her face. Like it hasn't all entirely sunk in yet. Bless little Heidi's heart - she's just too dumb to hate.

#3 - Miley Cyrus is tacky, has nice legs

Because really, what else can we say about this kid? She's a twit with freaky teeth, a great 18 year-old bod, the common sense of a mic stand, the net worth of a minor oil-producing nation and parents who are so afraid of losing their grip on her fortune they'll let her do anything. It's one thing to see photographs of a 17 year-old girl wandering around a parking lot in a see-through white t-shirt and no bra. It's another thing to see her doing the same thing while walking arm in arm with her mom (while her little sister who's all of what - 8? - tags along with her own bra sticking proudly out the top of her tank top. seriously).

This year we were treated to about a dozen different "Miley on stage in underwear equivalent" performances. We were treated to "Miley turns 18!!!" news. Interestingly, it was bigger news when the Olsen twins turned 18 a handful of years ago. Remember their pre-boho days when they were sort of cute, in a sort of elf-like way and a solid number of grown men would admit to harboring Olsen Twin Fantasies? I remember those days. So anyway - Miley turned 18. Dated some minor teen heartthrob (who's last name I constantly misspell so shall omit in this case), gushed about wanting to marry him, broke up with him, watched her parents marriage disintegrate amid rumours her mom was hooking up with Bret Michaels....and provided all sorts of gossip fodder with misadventures like, oh, having her cell phone stolen when said cell phone contained naked pictures of her.

Looks like she's attending the school of Kardashian.

We couldn't get away from Miley and her native American-inspired lanyard necklaces this year. Just like we couldn't get away from her hair extensions, veneers or vapid videos. Gossip-mongers speculated that she was headed for a major breakdown. So far she's only succeeded in being a major annoyance, but there's plenty of room in 2011.


#2 - Jennifer Aniston stayed single, boring

I'm sorry, I just can't come up with a darn thing to say about this woman. It's all been said. She was in every other gossip story and on the cover of every other magazine this year and, if you asked me to align myself with either Team Aniston or Team, uh, Jolie, I'd say, "I'm team Miley, please." Because it's that bad. I just can't. She was boring and vanilla in her heyday, she's boring and vanilla in her now desperate-single-woman-with-womb-on-self-destruct-countdown-mode era. I'm no fan of Brad Pitt -- that goes way back to the Legends of the Fall days when my sister and I would draw mocking little cartoons of his ridiculously asymmetrical nostrils to make ourselves giggle. I can't stand Angelina and her self-righteous smug face and army of children - she needs to eat and stop trying to pass herself off as being in her early 30's. But anyway.

Whether she was promoting a movie that bombed, promoting a perfume, promoting vitamin water, or promoting her ass in a bikini while on vacation, we couldn't escape her this year. Yawn. The tabloids are still running with the "She's in love with Brad" stories THIS many years later. People are still buying them or they wouldn't be cooking up these stupid stories. But love her or hate her, she was one of the least avoidable celebrities in gossip this year. For some reason. Still.

#1 - Natalie Portman's knocked up!

 That's about all there is to this story. She met the baby-daddy fiance while filming Black Swan (he's a hotshot ballet dancer with the New York Ballet), he's rumoured to be a social-climber who's using Natalie for fame, but since I love dear Nat to death and believe she's probably one of the smartest, most savvy celebrities out there, I choose to believe she's finally found a man she loves and is as excited to start a family together as a girl our age should be. I'm amused that the modern celebrity inclination toward shotgun weddings still exists - that they feel the need to announce their engagement and bun-in-the-oven on the same day, but hey - maybe Natalie's a traditional family sort of girl with traditional ideas about how she'll raise her family. Can't fault a girl - I'm that way, too. That is to say, if I found out I was knocked up, a good chunk of me would say, "I'm 30 years old, why not?" and the other part would say, "so, Mr Wonderful, let's get hitched and make this official." Here's to their inevitably good-looking, talented, svelte kid and their happily-ever-afterness.


And with that, I'll leave you looking forward to the last of this year's countdowns: coming up next....


My top 10 wishes for YOU in the new year. 


Stay tuned!

MegaMonthofCountdowns #6 - Best should-be couples from the 2010 break-up wreckage

First...Merry Christmas!

Second: Everyone broke up this year. 2010 was the Year of the Split. Er, everyone except Brangelina and Cannalooney, but I don't give a flying pop tart about either of those couples, so we'll continue with the idea of "everyone" broke up and play a little matchmaker. Hey, it's better than playing a round of "who would you rather?" with just about, oh ANY of the gentlemen on this list.

At last count (and I ignored anyone related to The Bachelor in any way, because those were never REAL relationships as far as I'm concerned. You know - REAL relationships like Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson. Bwuahahahah), we had at least 33 couples call it quits this year, with varying degrees of overexposure and mud-slinging.

I thought it might be fun to troll this list and find a few broken-hearted souls who might do each other good. Here are my picks for "Best Should-Be Couples Who Should Rise From The 2011 Break-Up Wreckage."

10 - Ryan Reynolds + Christina Aguilera

Yep. Here's my rationale: I love Christina, so of course I'd try to pair her up with someone I also love (but this list is sorely lacking in that regard). Therefore, I'll give a nod to the fact that I don't think she's worked her "I'm single and feel like parading a new man piece through town" phase out of her system. So, as long as she wants arm candy, may as well take Ryan here along for the ride - he's done blondes before and he's done singers - so she should be right up his alley. Plus, I think Ryan prefers the girls wear the pants in the relationships anyway.

9 - Sandra Bullock + Naveen Andrews

I think this is a power-match. Yep. Sandra's beloved, Naveen broke up with Barbara Hershey after a handful of years of togetherness (and apparently ran off and knocked up some bit on the side immediately following, so, fine, the cad vibe in this one is strong, but, hey, it gives him a little edge....maybe? we'll ignore cad vibe for now), he's probably looking for someone likewise classy, established, maybe just a little younger. Who's had a little less work done to her face. Who can bring him up a notch or two in Pop Culture value and maybe land him the part on SVU that Christopher Meloni is vacating. That's what I'm angling for, anyway. Because he actually had pretty good chemistry with Mariska Hargitay. But that's neither here nor there. Anyway - he's definitely no neo-nazi, bimbo-banging pathological cheater (that we're aware of yet).

8 - Eva Longoria + Scarlett Johansson

They'd look so pretty posing together on red carpets. They could go shopping together, appear on Maxim covers together, go to the gym together.....after watching them together, everyone will wish THEY'D thought of the idea themselves, too. It's believable. Eva's distrustful of men after hers ran around on her. Scarlett is young and bored and hot. They could make it work.

7 - Michael C Hall + Charlize Theron

I was bummed to hear Hall had split with Jennifer Carpenter. Something about ditching the woman who stayed by your side while you battled cancer amid rumours that you'd hooked up with Julia Stiles on the side seems chilly at best. HOWEVER - it's also possible that battling cancer gives you a certain amount of clarity about who you really want to grow old alongside. So Mikey, pick someone a little more classy than Julia Stiles. I mean, she's fine.....there's just no PIZAZZ there, is all. I find this guy ookey to look at, but Charlize has shown a propensity toward ookey-looking guys (she just split with Stuart Townsend this year), so maybe ookey-looking but gainfully employed would wow her. I think gossip-mongers would drool all over that hookup.

6 - Emmy Rossum + Shia LeBeouf

This is basically just a high-five to a couple of pretty people. I love Emmy, she's stylish and stunning and has great hair. And I'll always be a little bit of a sucker for the LeBeouf. So, since I'm bummed he's done with The Mulligan, I can probably be placated by matching him up with someone cute and inoffensive who has pretty skin and pretty hair and looks great underwater while swimming aboard sinking ocean liners. She does.

5 - Rachel Weisz + Sam Mendes

As I write this it occurs to me that these two actually may have already been MARRIED to one another at some point, years ago. In fact, I vaguely remember he left her to be with Kate Winslet (who he split with this year). Meh - that might be why I think these guys would work. She logged a handful of years with Darren Aronofsky, so presumably she likes the interesting, creative types with some buried secrets. Mendes seems like a little more of an open book, but hey, maybe they could collaborate on some sort of project that would net the both of them some more academy award nominations, since it looks like her break-up jump-off Daniel Craig hasn't officially panned out.

4 - Carey Mulligan + Ben Harper

So, Ben Harper filed for divorce from Laura Dern this year. But then he may or may not have retracted that and they may or may not be reconciling - so, this is an "in case they're not back together" match-up. Carey strikes me as a funky sort of Brit. And Ben Harper, he's pretty funky, too. And even though I'm a fan of Shia, Carey needs a "real man." Shia's a man-child. I don't know specifically where Ben Harper falls on the "real man" spectrum, but hey, he's a good-lookin, artistic dude. Carey needs good-lookin, artistic dudes. And if Laura Dern is any indication, seems Ben likes down-to-earth, sweet little blondes. 

3 - Rachel Bilson + Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Heh, heh, heh. They can swap old war stories about what it's like to try to forge a respectable career out of the ashes of long since-cancelled cult classic teen television shows. Mark Paul (hmmm - do you suppose he lets a girl just call him Mark once you get to know him a bit? Or is it a case of "hey, Mark Paul, please pass the gravy." Or "Oooh, Mark Paul, that feels good...." or "You're sleepin on the couch t'nite, MARK PAUL!") split with his cougar-esque wife of 14 years earlier this year. Rachel Bilson didn't quite close the deal with that What's-His-Name-Life-As-A-House-Skywalker-Kid. These two probably have plenty in common. They want to be taken seriously as something other than Zach and Summer. Oooh, even their characters' names sound like they belong together.

2 - Ryan Phillipe + Blake Lively

This one was a gimme. I can't stand either of these idiots. But he likes up-and-coming blonde starlets. She likes anyone who will get her more attention and one step closer to either Brad Pitt or George Clooney and therefore total world domination. But they deserve each other, they're both so whiney-faced. Yes, whiney-faced.


1 - Zac Efron + Miley Cyrus

I was sort of bummed when Vanessa Hudgens and The Efron split up. I sort of thought they would make it work for at least the next 30 years until they pulled a Robbins/Sarandon and shocked the socks off of America. Not that they're anywhere up there in the talent sense (wait, whatever, Vanessa is totally the next Susan). But back to Miley and Zac. She's been smart enough to steer clear of anyone who appeared in The Hills (or any of its precursors) and she seems to like bland, vanilla-faced girlie-men with precisely styled hair. Enter The Efron. He's pretty at heart, but he's trying to look like he doesn't care and is slummin it. Ditto Miley - she's trying to look all Beverly Hills Boho with nasty ripped up denim shorts and furry boots. But both of them are divas trying to pull a quick one on us. There's nothing low maintenance about these fools. Therefore, they can hook up and have pretty parties. Sit around styling each other's hair and plucking each other's eyebrows and comparing skin care routines. Perfect. 

Oh - and in case you were wondering, here's my rundown of this year's splits:

THE BREAKUPS

Sandra Bullock/Jesse James
Eva Longoria/Tony Parker
Scarlett Johannson/Ryan Reynolds
Michael C Hall/Jennifer Carpenter
Courteney Cox/David Arquette
Kelsey/Camille Grammer
Billy Ray/Tish Cyrus
Emmy Rossum/Adam Duritz
Rachel Weisz/Darren Aronofsky
Randy/Elizabeth Travis
Carey Mulligan/Shia Lebeouf
Ben Harper/Laura Dern
Nancy Wilson/Cameron Crowe
Elizabeth Moss/Fred Armisen
Rachel Bilson/Hayden Christenson
Al/Tipper Gore
George/Ann Lopez
Tiger/Elin Woods
Barbara Hershey/Naveen Andrews
Jim Carrey/Jenny McCarthy
James Van Der Beek/Heather Ann McComb
Mark-Paul Gosselaar/Lisa Ann Russel
Ryan Phillipe/Abbie Cornish
Blake Lively/Penn Badgley
Zac Efron/Vanessa Hudgens
Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth
Melissa Etheridge/Tammy Lynn Michaels
Kate Winslet/Sam Mendes
Charlize Theron/Stuart Townsend
Christina Aguilera/Jordan Bratman
AnnaLynne McChord/Kellan Lutz
Evan Rachel Wood/Marilyn Manson
Jennifer Love Hewitt/Everybody

MegaMonthofCountdowns #5 - Favorite albums of the year

Music time, I guess. Seemed like the next reasonable genre.....I've always been pretty unashamed to cop to the fact that I have horrible taste in music. I mean, Ke$sha took up permanent real estate in disc 6 of the car's changer this summer. And I was unapologetic about inflicting her on people riding with me - I'd just shrug, say, "what? I have bad taste." and that was that.

HOWEVER - let's call 2010 my year of "Moderately Improved Taste." I began the year absolutely determined to make it to Coachella. So I familiarized myself with HUNDREDS of bands on the lineup and went through a sort of musical immersion school getting up to speed with "cool bands." Bands that were not in my musical library. Bands that other people wouldn't cringe to hear me mention.

Then along came Mr Wonderful and his vast library-like collection of tunes - I inflicted a little Gaga and Christina on him (spared him the Ke$sha because, well: he's Wonderful). He introduced me to Scotland. Musically speaking. We've yet to visit in a geographic sense, but at least 2 of my top 10 are Scottish groups. They make good music there, apparently.

SO, as with books, this isn't a list of "Favorite Albums Released in 2010," instead its just "A bunch of CDs I really enjoyed this year." So there, music snobs.

Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career
Scottish group #1 is a favorite of Mr Wonderful's - took a little bit for me to warm up to the simplified, retro sounds of these ladies - and then their charming lyrics and sweet voices and sort of tender homage to music of bygone eras began to grow on me. It's a little du-wop, a little sock-hop, and very easy to leave on repeat for most of the evening. We listened to "My Maudlin Career" quite a bit in the beginning of our relationship, and this is now a sentimental favorite as well as a soothing collection of songs that tends to be a pretty uniform crowd-pleaser. Favorite track: James.

Christina Aguilera - Bionic
Oh come on, this is MY list. And I love The Christina. And, so what if she blamed her now-estranged soon-to-be-ex for the flop of this album (and blamed the flop of this album on the decay of her marriage or something ridiculous), it's still a completely fun cd. There's a very specific road map that each of Christina's releases follow - start with a fun, upbeat party tune. Add a few more. Then stick the sappy power-ballads in the middle and pile them one on top of the other. Then try experimental stuff at the tail end, maybe as bonus tracks for a deluxe edition. Feature a few up-and-coming lesser-knows as collaborators on a few tracks, pad the cd with some filler to round out the 21-track listing and end with a little more sap. That's pretty much the formula this album followed as well. BUT, aside from the fact that I skip the "Glam" song because everything about it screams "Awkward Fun Montage Scene in Sex & The City movie," this was a lot more solid release than she was given credit for - fun electro-pop numbers, good "sing-along-in-the-car-at-the-top-of-your-lungs" ballads, all in all part of Christina's continuing evolution. Favorite Track: Monday Morning.

Cocteau Twins - Four-Calendar Cafe
Another Scottish fave. These ladies had a pretty solid 20-year run with their unique blend of dreamy, euro-pop production and wispy vocals. This is another sentimental favorite this year because The Mister and I spent so many cozy evenings together with Four-Calendar Cafe as our background soundtrack, but it's another ambient winner that you can leave playing for hours and never get tired of hearing. Not terribly easy to sing along with (though try: it'll make you giggle when you try to hit those high, airy notes and end up sounding more like puppy-with-tail-stepped-on). Favorite Track: Oil of Angels

Heartless Bastards - The Mountain
The first time I listened to this album I was playing hookey from work, wandering the sand of Alki waterfront in less-than-waterfront-worthy shoes and contemplating big, life-changing concepts. Had the iPod on shuffle (and filled with lots of Coachella tunes and their soundalikes hoping to brush up on this year's indie-rock scene). The track "Hold your head high" came on at random and a first listen left me in sort of fist-in-the-air, I-will-survive type tears in the eyes. "Hold your head high, as high as you can, things will come back soon, things will come around again...." Apparently it was just what I needed to hear. The low-down on this band: very simple sound, recorded with lots of open space. Very simple guitar, drums, bass formula, but the chick-singer's vocals are the centerpiece. She has a very put-on sound, a very manufactured, raspy growl -- but I love scratchy, raspy singing voices. See: Beth Hart.  For some reason this has become a popular "dinnertime soundtrack" this year - to me, there's an aspect of "Road Trip Tunes" to their sound - the sort of breezy, midwestern roots to their sound makes it feel like an album that should be played plenty loud, with the windows rolled down...Favorite track: Hold Your Head High

Jets Overhead - No Nations
These guys were slated to perform at Coachella (uh, the punchline to this year is that I ultimately couldn't afford to go...the Mister intervened with a great long weekend at the coast that more than made up for it, but alas - my devoted...er, FRANTIC....listening was all for naught....). I originally listened to this and thought, "The Mister would like these guys!" Turned out I was right (which was a proud moment, since someone with Bad Taste in music very rarely recommends anything anyone else will enjoy). But I like it just as much. It's more sort of ethereal, ambient electro-pop with androgenous sort of vocals ("this track is definitely a dude singing....er, wait, no......is it?"), but terrific production, and interesting, "laying on your back, daydreaming, watching funny-shaped clouds float by" sort of lyrics. Favorite track: Weathervanes.

 Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
I was trying to describe this cd after hearing it reviewed glowingly on NPR: glowingly, and earnestly, in fact, by the most middle-aged sounding journalist you can imagine, which, I suppose, just goes to show that you can be hip at any age. Take my Grandma for instance. She's crossed the 80-year mark and knows her Beyonce just as well as any of us. Anyway - was trying to describe Kanye's latest release and kept coming back to, "It's almost like he channeled his inner Imogen Heap....sure, it's auto-tuned, but in a really musical, high-brow way!." Which is true. We have rock operas - well, this is a rap opera. And, say what you will about Kanye's ego, the man knows good production. And say what you will about his sort of sluggish style and whiny voice, the guy comes up with interesting, pop-culturally-relevant lyrics. And say what you will about Taylor Swift. No, wait, don't - I can't stand her and her eternal optimism. I just can't. But Kanye's cd - like it very much. Favorite track: Runaway. Shoot - that's totally stuck in my head now....."Here's a toast to the douchebags....."

Lucero - Tennessee

Speaking of raspy, irritating voices:  Lucero's lead singer has got one of the most grating, irritating voices out there. And I LOVE it (again, see: Beth Hart). This is heartland pop or alternative country or slightly twang-infused garage rock. Full of guitars and big heavy drums and lots of talk about WHISKEY. But layered between that are some startlingly poetic lyrics - traditional topics: love, heartbreak, cigarettes, underaged girls, things like that. This was a great sountrack to my frequent drives through mountain passes to visit Mr Wonderful - perfect sountrack to a sunny summer morning when the sun is rising over the trees, the sky is blue, you're doing 15 over the speed limit and wish you didn't have to take that exit toward work. This album spent more time in my car than anything else this year. Favorite lyric: "I can still taste that god-awful perfume you wore...." Favorite track: Nights Like These.

 Mute Math - Armistice (Live)
A friend who knew I had some aspirations of becoming a badass chick-drummer recommended this band because their dummer is so precise it was almost hard to believe it wasn't an electronic drum machine track. So I listened to a few songs primarily for the drums. Then got hooked. And would play Armistice over and over and over again for hours at a time. Got several, "ooh, who's this?" responses when I played it in the car -- subtly different from the "EW, who's this?" remarks I was so used to receiving. Usually not a huge fan of live iterations of albums I love (that damn crowd noise), but in this case they add some interesting interludes and guitar solos and fun extras that keeps it interesting. The singer's voice might have to grow on you slightly, but their "rumoured-to-be-Christian" lyrics are lovely and thoughtful and their drummer is FLIPPIN RIGHTEOUS. Favorite track: Odds.

Sister Hazel - Before the Amplifiers
I've loved Sister Hazel for more than a decade (actually, I've probably got several posts in the archives about this band) - so it's fun when they release an acoustic cd that spans their entire career - sort of an unplugged "best-of." This is great - takes the best tracks from their last seven releases or so and strips them down to the basics. Love Ken Block's tinny voice, love the song selection, only complaint is the obnoxious "man in the crowd" who "WHOOOOOOOOOO's!!!!" too loudly before every song. Favorite track: Champagne High (of course!).

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz

This was probably the second-most played cd in the changer this year. And probably a good chunk of last year. Fantastic spread of moods on this album - from fun post-punk that sounds best turned way up to soft, almost timid-sounding lullaby-like numbers. They added a few acoustic remixes on the end (and a dance version of the first track Zero that feels like a combination of too much caffeine mixed with sudafed and recorded on steroids) and one track that, for some reason, seems to me it would make a delightfully off-beat wedding processional. Love the vocals and the spunky guitar. Favorite track: Hysteric

MegaMonthofCountdowns #4 - Best books of the year

I read a lot.

I read very quickly.

My Kindle has allowed me to blow through unmitigated amounts of cash with this gloriously simple one-click "BUY!" trick that makes it....disturbingly easy to amasse a huge collection of books without leaving the comfort of my couch.

It's StarTrek is what it is.

SO - not all of these books were published this year - these are just some that I've read that I'd let ya borrow - if they were printed on real paper. Which most of them weren't. But yes, last Christmas season I could read a book a day without blinking. I went broke $9.99 at a time.

This was my first foray into the Palahniuk. The guy has great style. Subtle ways of packing big philosophical punch. The gist: messed up guy faux-chokes (or, really chokes, but on purpose) in restaurants to enlist life-saving maneuvers from strangers who's lives are impacted by the act of saving a life and they (interestingly), all remember "the day they saved someone's life" and send him money in greeting cards. His primary income, pretty much. There's also a side story with his ailing mother and some crazy "doctor" in the retirement home where she lives who convinces the main character he may have been cloned from the foreskin of Christ? Not kidding. But the writing was great, the characters were completely (believeably) offbeat, the message underlying the plot (about the moral quandary of lies, for instance) was well-developed and surprisingly thoughtful....all in all, good read.

Ah, Klosterman. So witty. This is the writer who suggested that all of us women between the ages of 18 and 60 had a Lloyd Dobbler crush that we mistook for a John Cusack crush. It was the book that prompted me to write my tretise on the wimpiness of Lloyd Dobbler. It's essentially a random collection of Klosterman's recollections from the early 90's - he writes about the fact that "The Real World" producers weren't really offering us a glimpse at a cross section of the youth of America - nope. Instead, "they were unintentionnal creating it. By now, everyone I know is one of seven defined strangers, inevitably hoping to represent a predefined demographic and always failing horribly...during the first RW summer, I saw kids on MTV who reminded me of people I knew in real life. By 1997, the opposite was starting to happen; I kept meaning new people who were like old Real Word characters..." Okay, so maybe that wasn't one of the "stitch-in-your-side" moments of brilliant hilarity, but it was that sort of unique perspective on what was going on around him that made for some unique reading. Highly recommend.

 Also on the "highly recommend" list is Francis Chan's "Crazy Love." This one was a life-changer. This is one book that I would give to absolutely every friend and family member and casual aquaintance and person I'm not crazy about, not so much in a "this will change your life" sort of way as much as in a "please hold me accountable to living the way this book reasons we should live" sort of way... It's an incredible eye-opener that will take anyone's faith to a new, more practical, more liveable, more authentic, more loving place. In a nutshell: there's an amazing, holy, blameless God who loves us more than we can begin to imagine. Shouldn't our lives be a living example of that love? Should't we cower in awe of the love we don't deserve and do everything we can for each breath we take to be an extension of living that love out in the lives of other people? Seems pretty simple, right? Why try to adhere to rules, dogma, why try to be RELIGIOUS when you can be loving. Get rid of your "thou shalt..." check list and live faithfully, biblically, prayerfully, LOVINGLY. Live on less. Give more. Get out of your comfort zone and make your life worth something in light of the fact that we've been saved by grace. Don't waste a precious life by living weakly, without conviction. BEAUTIFUL book.

 I heard Mukherjee interviewed on "Morning Edition" and was completely transfixed by the idea of a "Biography of Cancer." That's essentially what this is - it's a hands-on, in-layman's-terms, human-interest-styled take on the history of our understanding of and attempts to cure Cancer. Yes, with a capital C. It looks back at some ancient, historic examples of kings and queen's attempts to lance off cancerous growths, at our ever-evolving grasp of what triggers and what cures unregulated cell growth, traces through the social stigmas of those stricken by the disease and the surprising amount of condemnation many doctors (or, early, radical students of the disease, really) encountered when trying dramatically to cure the disease.

If you're passionate about human rights and social justice and global freedom from slavery and oppression, do yourself a favor and read this book. It's a very honest, achingly accurate, movingly insightful look into the horrors of human trafficking and the sex trade, much of which is happening in our backyard. If we could free millions of trafficked sex workers from slavery and offer them entrepeneurial training and education and a means to support themselves independently, wouldn't it seem like a no-brainer to get involved in any way possible? Read this book.

 I saw the Kate Winslet movie adaptation of this book a few years ago and loved it. Decided I was curious to see how closely the screenplay followed its source material. EERILY so, apparently. Almost verbatim. But it was a delightful read, the characters were even more colorful and believable and interesting on the page than in the film -- and -- while I can't say this about ANY of Tom Perrotta's other novels ("The Abstinence Teacher," anyone? Good grief that book was horrendous....), I felt like he nailed the "normal people" dialogue pretty decently. Of course, I couldn't help envisioning Kate Winslet and Jennifer Connelly and Jason Patrick in the roles (which didn't entirely match up with the characters' written descriptions), but all-in-all, it's rare to find a book-to-movie adaptation where both the book and the movie hold up to each other so well. Definitely recommend.

 This one impressed me because I had to actually use my brain's full capacity to grasp almost any sentence in the book. This man loves words. I love words. Therefore I love this man who loves words in all of their essayed glory. He reviews a dictionary (and this was my favorite part of the book - discussing various schools of diction and their warring opinions. Like grammar porn to this word junkie). He brandishes a big ironic stick when -- very dryly -- evaluating precisely what it is about Kafka that's funny. To the point that it's not funny. Which becomes funny in its own right. The title of that chapter: Some Remarks on Kafka's Funniness From Which Probably Not Enough Has Been Removed. Love it. This really is just a collection of essays by a man who has the most superb grasp of the English language I've bumped across this side of Greenwich Mean Time. He tries to dissect why we, as a nation, continue to read autobiographical sports memoirs (when most of them are insipid and brain-numbingly unoriginal), providing snippets from a Tracy Austin tome that's pretty much, yes, the most insipid, brain-numbingly unoriginal "writing" ever. This book, however: certainly not insipid, and certainly not brain-numbing.

 Heh. From highbrow to fluff-lit with mass market appeal. Okay, okay, maybe fluff is too harsh. I'll say this about Jodi Picoult: as much as I resist ever picking one of her books up because I feel rather like I instantly become a middle-aged woman with a grown-out perm wearing practical New Balance tennis shoes while dining by myself at an Olive Garden with a glass of white zinfandel in hand, I never seem to be able to put her books down once I start. Her writing is absolutely mediocre (that is, all of her female characters of a certain age are completely alike. All of her male characters of a certain age are indistinquishable from one another, and all of her teenaged characters of a certain age were all cut from the same cloth), BUT she creates compelling plots. And she does her research on those hot-button social issues that she likes to tackle. I call her books "social issue family dramas" because they inevitably involve a touchy subject like rape, religion, suicide, abortion, drug use (you get the idea) and are usually situated inside the walls of a New England family home. So, yes, I read about half a dozen of her books this year, and The Pact was my favorite. It worked backwards to try to unravel the mystery about a teenage suicide pact. In the process, the families of the involved teens unravel. It wasn't necessarily serious fiction, but it was a good beach-read. Frankly, it's what I'm hoping to crank out in rapid succession one day soon, so hey, I can admire her career, either way.

 I love, love, love George Pelecanos. Just like I love, love, love Greg Iles and Jeffrey Lent. Pelecanos did some writing for "The Wire" (which would explain why, after years of reading everything he'd written, I felt distinctly like I was watching a Pelecanos novel come to live with the first episode of "The Wire" I ever watched). He writes gritty, DC crime noir - he nails dialogue. He tackles action and suspense very deftly. This was a quick read -- it was also a diversion in tone, akin to a coming-of-age drama or a family saga. Still plenty of suspense, still a certain amount of urban grit, but a slightly more suburban setting. The snapshot: kid ends up in prison, kid gets out of prison and hits the straight and narrow, stumbles upon a criminal plot, is compelled to "do the right thing," ends up embroiled in subversion anyway when his buddies are less inclined to "do the right thing." Also included: nice doses of redemption and a little romance and some well-written father/son struggles.

So, technically, this was intended for "MEN." Fine. That alone interested me. Figured it couldn't hurt to get a little insight into the way a MAN's soul operates. This was actually a pretty engaging book, MUCH more so than "Captivating: Discovering the secret of a woman's heart" that was written by Eldredge's wife Stasi and intended for women. This had to do with the fundamentals of a man's need to be wild, strong, a fighter, a champion - and the ways that we often stifle that fundamental urge as parents, as wives, as partners and family members and friends and colleagues. It was eye-opening, really - and definitely equipped me with some future parenting ideas that never would have occured to me before. It came at a practical time in my life, too, as this last year has been about a lot of learning and discovery...anyway - it's a quick read, it's an interesting perspective on the male psyche written from a spiritual perspective that I really enjoyed. I connected less with the fundamentals of Captivating because I felt suspiciously that it was intented for women who are mothers of daughters.....anyway - Wild at Heart - insightful, written in a very digestable, conversational style, the pages flip by quickly - all-in-all a refreshingly memorable read.

Ta-da!

Still pondering what countdown #5 will be. I've done celebrity fashion, I've done wine, I've done books, I've done gossip sites....feels like perhaps I should tackle music or movies.....stay tuned.