like dad always said:

"Never underestimate the stupidity of the American public." Or something like that. Actually, I think it was a combination of platitudes, about catering to the lowest common denominator and never being surprised when people like things in poor taste. But for the sake of example: never underestimate the stupidity of the greater microwave-using public. Case in point:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/01/24/germs.sponges.reut/index.html

So, University of Florida experiments suggested that sponges - wet sponges - could be decently sterilized by nukin' em for about 2 minutes. Dirty-sponge mongers the country over began microwaving their sponges posthaste...and their dry sponges started exploding and ruining microwaves from coast to coast.

Ya think?

The best comment by a dry-sponge-microwaver: "Just wanted you to know that your article on microwaving sponges and scrubbers aroused my interest. However, when I put my sponge/scrubber into the microwave, it caught fire, smoked up the house, ruined my microwave, and pissed me off."

Gee.

So, the entire principle behind the microwave - that the waves excite moisture molecules in the item you're trying to heat - has apparently been lost on us for generations. Sounds like most of us probably just think microwaves are a MAGICAL means to heat our Marie Calendar's fettuccine dinners and reheat our coffee.

At any rate, a marketing team from the University released the following advisory:

"To guard against the risk of fire, people who wish to sterilize their sponges at home must ensure the sponge is completely wet. Two minutes of microwaving is sufficient for most sterilization. Sponges should also have no metallic content. Last, people should be careful when removing the sponge from the microwave as it will be hot."

Because the university definitely doesn't want any lawsuits alleging "injury by hot sponge." Not when they've duly warned the nitwits out there about the abundant dangers of "Dry Sponge."

Although, to be fair, I've long remembered an anecdote my mom told me about a family friend that, when attempting to warm a towel in the microwave to place on his sick wife's forehead neglected to dampen the towel, and delivered a smoldering, smoking towel, remarking, "this doesn't look right."

"GET THAT OUTSIDE, NOW!" advised wife, before the smoldering towel promptly combusted in a flaming cotton bundle on their lawn.

DAMP SPONGE. Damp.

slept through it again.

The New Year, that is. Went to bed at 11:27 after playing taxi for 2 hours. Left husband at a kegger with his father, dodged crazy lunatics in downtown traffic, went home and went to bed...woke up hours later to husband telling me a story about eating kegger potluck beans and meeting a guy that worked on a fish processor. Tried to sleep a bit. Woke up to husband screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR" on the phone to some drunk buddies that called in the middle of the night. Slept for another five minutes. Woke up to husband YAKKING his guts out - violently - sometime around 3 am (those fantastic potluck beans he'd told me about, apparently). Threatened to go sleep elsewhere, then took out the trash containing vomit clean-up napkins. Paused for a moment to wonder exactly why I was standing outside in slippers and my nice dress coat holding vomit-garbage in the middle of the night when I should have been sleeping. or cuddling. or whatever newleyweds do on their first married New Year.

earlier in the night, sometime around 10, between picking someone up and dropping someone else off at ridiculously far-removed parts of town, had a conversation with two guys wearing...hmmm..."dapper" fedoras in a parking garage elevator that went something like: "You look like you're on your way to party!"

me: "actually, party's done for the night, i'm goin home"

(must be the nice dress coat. long, fancy coats scream "out on the town")

fedora guys: "well that's just wrong."

me: "what can I say. i'm an old lady. I'm goin to bed."

fedora guys: "there's something wrong in the world."

my thought: yep. two full-grown men in matching fedoras that don't seem remotely embarassed.

At any rate, Happy New Year...I think my one resolution shall be to throw away the christmas tree by April this year. and to pluck my eyebrows a little more consistently. and maybe wash the sheets every now and then. or the kitchen towels...one or the other.